Bottom of the MLB for 2014

30. Chicago Cubs

I know Theo Epstein was able to end the Curse of the Bambino, but it’ll take awhile before we’ll see the Curse of the Billy Goat vanquished, this team is going to stink for a while. Blue Chip players Starlin Castro and Anthony Rizzo seem not to be the future anymore after just 1 year. Starlin’s time as a Cub seems limited with SS prospect Javier Baez making noise in the minors and his apparent motivation issues, so he has something to prove this season. Jeff Samarjljhgsaslksad has a high K rate but will drive you crazy with his erratic performances. Wrigley Field is one of the most beautiful and venerated stadiums in all of baseball, the only problem is you have to watch the Cubs when you go there.


29. Houston Astros

I don’t think anyone was expecting anything from this team last year, except Yu Darvish…who expects a dozen Ks. This team got Dexter Fowler for basically all of the Marlin fans, or for basically what the Nationals gave up for Fister, or for basically how much profit the movie the Love Guru grossed, or for basically how many gushers you get in a pack of gushers, or for basically how many times Bill Belicheck has laughed, or for basically how many strips of bacon you get at a restaurant, or for basically how much ketchup you get in an individual package, or for basically how funny this joke is at this point, NOT MUCH.  This doesn’t really help Fowler, who basically hit all his HRs in the 1st month and then choked harder than the Broncos in the Superbowl…but for 5 months. George Springer won’t be rushed to the majors, prospects Mark Appel and Carlos Correa are even further away, so the future is bright here, it’s just not here yet.

ImageBetter than the butt fumble…but can be compared to the butt fumble

28. Miami Marlins

No longer the Florida Marlins, but keeping the same losing mindset, the Miami Marlins couldn’t sell out a stadium even if they gave away tickets. And they tried that already. The Miami Marlins debuted like they were “in it to win it”, but that lasted longer than free donuts in the workplace (okay after all those golden “metaphors” in the Astros blurb, I’m all out of the juice…said not Arod) Jeff Loria shortly called for a fire sale. Toronto took the bait, but everything that could go wrong did for them, it didn’t help that they play in the toughest division. They seem to always beat the Mets…but they are the Mets. Jose Fernandez has some pretty nasty stuff and pitches in one of the easiest divisions. Also that Giancarlo (Mike not found) can hit HRs pretty well. Now the team is a fish out of water (I just really wanted to use this…fish puns!) as they try to raise Giancarlo (Mike) Stanton’s value to trade for younger players… pretty sure more than half of this team can’t drink legally…not that they’ll be popping any champaign bottles soon.

Hooray for Jose

27. Chicago White Sox

Not to be outdone by the Cubs, the White Sox look destined to disappoint the city of Chicago just as hard as the Cubbies. “Okay maybe batting Adam Dunn clean up isn’t the best idea”. So they finally stopped doing that, meaning they can only improve right?! RIGHT?! This offseason they went ahead and traded for a talented OF they didn’t need. Chris Sale is one of the best pitchers in the league, and the White Sox tried making him a closer initially. This is not a very well run team. I mean this is a team that plays with the Twins and still managed to do worse than them. Hopefully Jose Abreu can help spark this offense as Paul Konerko retires this year…which makes me sad and makes baseball sad. The White Sox wish they were red and are destined to stink as bad as brown socks…seriously guys I’m all out.


26. Minnesota Twins

Their best, highest payed, and besting looking  player suffered a concussion last year. So no, I don’t think the Twins are going to be good this year. Byron Buxton and Miguel Sano are still in the minors, along with several of other guys that will make an impact for the organization…just not now. The team managed to snag Mike Pelfrey away from nobody this offseason. And they also added Phil Hughes and Ricky Nolasco to their major league rotation in name only. It’s like they’ve given up already. The Twin’s mindset right now is to get through the year as fast as possible and finally have their prospects major league ready. Unless Joe can find his long lost younger twin brother to literally pitch to himself, I can’t see the Twins doing too well this year. Good thing Buxton will be ready right as Joe Mauer won’t be good anymore…

ImageJoe is Head and Shoulders above the rest!

25. San Diego Padres

I have no idea how the Padres won 76 wins last year, I mean the NL West is a pretty weak division, but still…things don’t look too good for this team. And when your mascot is a creepy friar…well sometimes it’s hard to cheer for your team when the mascot looks like he’s going to kill you. It’s weird, I never hear anything about the Padres in the media and I think I’ve met more Native Americans than Padre fans. I’m sure living on the East Coast has something to do with this, and I’ve also never met someone who disliked the Padres, but I get the impression that just nobody cares about these guys. Which is unfortunate. I guess it must feel terrible to be playing baseball when the beaches look just so inviting. Corey Luebke is out again this year. Somethings never change.

ImageIt’s simple, kill the Batman

Rankings 24. – 22.
Rankings 21. – 18.


2 thoughts on “Bottom of the MLB for 2014

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