Scrubs of the MLB: Part 1

24. Colorado Rockies

The Rockies always seem to start the season blazing hot, throwing a puff of smoke infront of their fan’s red eyes and raising their hopes up sky high, only to have their hopes ripped apart well before the All Star break.  If their dank hitting could stop chronically getting injured every year, maybe they can keep their trainwreck of a pitching staff afloat and win their weak division. To be blunt, things could be worse right? At least Rockies fans can get really high…when they go see their games live at Coors Stadium.  I guess it’s better when your high producing offense rolls up and burns in the beginning of the season rather than when it matters most in the Super Bowl…every year. I’m blown away by how good this team can hit, especially at home, but winning is a joint effort and the pitching staff is just…up in smoke. Jhoulys Chacin is no ace… I mean this team was desperate enough to trade for Astros pitcher Jordan Lyles, and he was barely good enough to play for the Astros…THE ASTROS. At least Denver fans can look forward to Peyote Manning and freshly baked cookies…to eat when they’re stoned.

gty_colorado_pot_sales_kb_14010_16x9_992This guy seems really happy for someone who’ll soon be smoking alone in his parent’s basement

23. NY Mets

You either die a hero or pitch long enough to see yourself become a villan. Matt Harvey died a hero. The Dark Knight of Queens got replaced in the rotation with…Bartolo Colon. Good thing those young guns have veteran role model Bartolo Colon to look up to. It’s like he took steroids but was too lazy to work out and actually get stronger…so he just gained *more weight. “Why aren’t these drugs working,” he said as he stuffed another cheeseburger down his gullet. So the only benefits he got from taking steroids was a suspension, smaller testicles, and another few pounds to add to his generous belly…but the Mets gave him a 2 year $20 million deal. So he wins. It’s just that the Mets won’t be this year…winning. “Sometimes the truth isn’t good enough, sometimes people deserve more. Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded…” But not for Met fans. Thanks Batman.

Everything’s going to be okay…

22. Philadelphia Phillies

Well cheesesteaks are pretty delicious, so at least Philly fans have that going for them in 2014. This Philly team seemed to age really fast, like shockingly fast, and it seemed like only yesterday that these guys were poised to rule the NL East. That’s not happening, so let’s see what went wrong – Roy Oswalt retiring too early, Ryan Howard shattering his ankle hustling out to 1st base during the last out of a lost World Series and never quite recovering, Roy Halladay blowing out his shoulder and surprisingly his career follows suit, Chase “the Ace” Utley’s body breaks under him every year, Jimmy Rollin is Jimmy Rollins, losing reliable OFs like Victorino, Ibanez and Werth to free agency, trading away Pence for pennies, and letting promising stud pitcher Vance Worley slip through your fingers. What does that leave the Phillies? Cliff Lee, Cole Hamels and a lifetime supply of Subway sandwiches per agreement through Ryan Howard’s endorsement deal. Seriously, does anyone else see this guy in a ton of Subway commercials? I am not a phanatic for this team.

Screen shot 2014-02-09 at 3.55.01 PM😉


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