Scrubs of the MLB: Part 2

21. Arizona Diamondbacks

I mean it’s not like they can get a third .500 season in a row right?! This teams pitching is raw…but I’m sure another rookie pitcher will be amazing for this team again, see Kennedy, Miley, Corbin. So Archie Bradley, come on up. The Diamondbacks struck gold (diamonds?) when they signed Goldschmidt to a 5 year $32 million extension. They make a brilliant move like this, but then make a bunch of perplexing ones. They gave up on Ian Kennedy and traded him for journeyman RP Dale Thatcher and change. They got so little for Kennedy that DALE THAYER is the biggest name they got back from the Padres. Kennedy came 4th in the Cy Young voting 2 years ago, so did his elbow secretly implode? I know he wasn’t having the best year, but they literally just gave up on him. Did he sleep with GM Kevin Tower’s wife? Not to be outdone, earlier in the year Kevin Towers opted to trade players Justin Upton and Trevor Bauer at their seemingly lowest value. Upton is 26 and although I’m not sold on Upton, surely he could convince others that he’ll be a star?! I think the Braves got a bargain on Upton. And Bauer was the top SP prospect for this team and in the entire MLB just a year ago. Did they sleep with Kevin’s wife too? They must have done this before Ian Kennedy, why didn’t you learn Ian! Maybe I’m missing something here,  maybe it’s maybelline…it’s not maybelline.


So the Diamondbacks mascot is a bobcat, not a snake…even the bobcat’s confused

20. Milwaukee Brewers

Ryan Braun should be thanking Arod for taking all the heat off him last year. Seriously what would it take for Milwaukee fans, and Aaron Rodgers, to forgive this guy? What if he literally called every fan and apologized? What if he got Aaron Rodgers to stop making discount double check commercials? I would forgive him, but it’s not enough for everybody. Probably the only thing he could do would be to carry the Brewers on his back to the World Series and win. So this team’s chances are pretty dependent on Braun’s performance… enhancing drugless season. I think the pitching staff can’t really do worse than last year and I believe Jonathan Lucroy’s awesome pitch framing will help. I don’t really have any faith in Carlos Gomez’s power output, but as long as he didn’t share any “protein” shakes with Braun and as long as he keeps up his stellar on the field defense, I don’t the Brewers can complain. The Brewers will soon have to figure out how to be all brain and no Braun if they want a brighter future.

Whelp this year's gonna be awkwardWhelp…this is gonna be awkward

19. Toronto Blue Jays

Last year expectations for this team were as high as Mount Waddington, but just aboat everything that could go wrong did go wrong, eh. If the Blue Jays were playing in any other division I’d still give them a shot for rebounding this year, but the AL East is no delicious plate of poutine, so I don’t expect too much from this team. RA Dickey is the bullmoose of the staff, but the pitching depth behind him doesn’t look like they will aMounties to anything. Maybe if they somehow stick maple syrup on the opposing teams shoes and convince the umpires that this just happens in Canada. I guess we have to accept that Brandon Morrow will always be injured. It’s like they had the technology to rebuild him, but right before they fixed him, everyone else on the team got injured. So they tried fixing everyone just a little bit instead of fixing all of Brandon Morrow and ended up with nothing, eh.  Jose Bautista and Edwin Encarnacion need to stay healthy if the BJs are going to go any kilometers this year. Okay that pun may be a stretch, but they’ve ALL been stretches. At least everyone in the world knows the first two lines of your national anthem and at least you guys can be the favorites in Winter Olympics sports.

The Today Show Gallery of Olympians

Oh Canada…I’m suddenly interested in freestyle skiing hurdles

18. Seattle Mariners

The Mariners “won” when they signed Robinson Cano this offseason. Thanks Jay Z. But could fans be any less excited? I can’t blame them, I couldn’t rank these higher than 18. Robinson canot carry this team alone…good thing only turns the ripe young age of 32 this year. And good thing you guys signed him for 10 years. This is karma contract compensation for Russel Wilson somehow. I mean look how successful former Yankee Jesus Montero has been for the Mariners. There’s no way this longterm contract isn’t successful! Taijuan Walker is hyped to be the next great pitcher, but the last great pitcher to come out of Seattle was Michael Pineda…and that resulted in Jesus Montero. And before that I guess…King Felix, which seems like a decade ago. So I guess the Mariners are overdue for a successful prospect. At least Seattle have the Seahawks, so does anyone even really care if the Mariners do well? You guys won the Superbowl, which is like a million times more important than any World Series right?! When does football season start again?

This post brought to you by Coors, don’t drink and play…or don’t start Ibanez in the OF

3 thoughts on “Scrubs of the MLB: Part 2

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