Game Of Thrones Review: The Lion and the Rose

I’ve read the books, but I won’t spoil anything by bringing up anything new for show watchers, but I will make references to the book. There will be spoilers for this episode though, duh.

i iron throne...like a good photo of it

The second episode of Game of Thrones is titled the Lion and the Rose, but starts off with the flayed man and the kracken…hunting a human. And it’s actually toned down from the books. Satan Ramsay would release girls he grew tired of, the guy is a bloody psychopath, promising their freedom if they escape and giving them a head start before hunting them down. He does this because it amuses him. In the books he lets Theon Reek “escape” with one of these girls, only for it to turn into one of these games. Ramsay kills the girl and flays Reek, giving Reek some trust issues. Ramsay names his bitches/hounds after the girls that gave him good sport, hooray for them. Ramsey and his, uh, girlfriend? Demented hooker? Myranda was one of the girls that toyed with Theon right before he got his member cut off last season. Also if you noticed Reek had a limp it’s because Ramsay flayed and cut off some of his toes.

Tyrion and Jaime have lunch together, they’re serving sausage…Reek’s favorite. Jaime complains that he can’t wipe his own ass, but that’s a one handed situation anyway, that’s like one of the few things he should still be able to do no problem. He should be saying “at least I can still wipe my own ass!” I love Jaime and Tyrion’s relationship, it’s the only positive relationship Tyrion has with his family. Tyrion was always the one being helped by his older brother so I’m glad Tyrion finally gets a chance to be the one helping. In the book Jaime would spar with Ilyn Payne. He’s the mute that beheaded Ned Stark and is Pod’s uncle or something. Unfortunately the actor, Wilko Johnson, was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer and will not be coming back to Game of Thrones, he wasn’t in it for Season 3. Out of respect to the actor Weiss and Benioff won’t recast him. Using Bronn as Jaime’s tight lipped sparring partner was a creative way to include more Bronn.

pretty good toss for a guy who can't even wipePretty good toss for a guy who can’t even wipe his own ass!

Some great lines Bronn can give us that Ilyn never could.
Bronn – “Right here is where I’d fuck his wife. She’s a screamer that one. If they don’t hear her they wont hear us.”
Jaime – “Bold warrior you are to attack a man when his guards down”
Bronn – “Best time to attack a man.”

I’m surprised the horse didn’t break carrying Fat Walda in. The Boltons and the Freys made an alliance after they agreed to pull off the Red Wedding. Roose marrying one of the Walder Frey’s daughters was done to solidify this alliance. chub waldaTo sweeten the deal, Walder offered to pay Roose Bolton’s spouse choice’s weight in silver for the dowry. Roose made the prudent choice, bigger is always better.  I wouldn’t want to be called mother by Ramsay Snow, but it could be worse, at least he’s not calling me Reek. Ramsay and Locke, the guy who chopped off Jaime’s hand last season, would be best buds. I could see them enjoying a live human being version game of Operation. I didn’t know they had shaving cream in this medieval universe…is this stuff easy to make? Telling Reek that his father killed Robb as he’s getting shaved…I was practically yelling at the screen for Theon to slice his throat. I honestly don’t even think Roose would be that upset seeing his bastard son die. Maybe if Varys and Theon combined their privates they’d be able to make one whole man. Locke was sent to go find the Stark boys. In the books there is no Locke character, the character that cut off Jaime’s hand dies in Harrenhal, so the fate of this character is up in the air. theon should of cutI think there’s no way Locke will venture past the wall to find Bran, so the only other option is finding Osha and Rickon. I think this could give Osha and Rickon a plot line in the show that’s pretty much non-existent in the books.

Vary’s warns Tyrion that his evil relatives know about Shae in the never-ending garden inside King’s Landing. Varys tells Tyrion that nobody mourns a spider, but tell that to the pig in Charlotte’s Web. Vary’s says he only has little birds and no gallant brother to avenge him if he dies. Jaime had his hand chopped off, so he’s not gallantly saving Tyrion anytime soon, unless it involves wiping asses.

Mace Tyrell was introduced this episode, it’s alright, I almost didn’t even notice him either. Mace Tyrell is the head of the Reach and Margaery and Loras’s father. Mace Tyrell and Oberyn Martell are asked to come to serve on the small council. Mace is the son of the Queen of Thornes and Oberyn is the younger brother of prince Doran, the ruler of Dorne and the actual person the Lannisters invited. Oberyn comes down in his brother’s stead to get justice for his sister. For all the grooming that the Queen of Thornes seems to be doing for Margaery, she certainly failed on her son Mace, he’s an airhead. The Queen of Thornes is true leader of the Reach, with Mace as a proxy. I loved how he tries to talk to Tywin and Ollena later in the episode, but she waves him off and he just smiles and walks away. He has no idea what he’s doing and he’s not a player in the game of thrones.

mace introductionMy mom told me to come, I’m just happy to be here

After Mace presents his present, Tyrion gives his wedding gift to Joffrey, a rare history book about the former kings in Westeros. A book so rare that there are only 4 complete copies, a gift too good for Joffrey. Garlan Tyrell, a character written off the show and elder brother to Loras Tyrell was the one to make note of this in the books. He was also the only person to point out how helpful Tyrion was in the Battle of the Blackwater, when everyone else gives credit to Tywin. Garlan the Gallant will be missed by Tyrion and many book fans. Joffrey actually thanks Tyrion for the gift. Tyrion and Sansa are pretty confused and share a pretty cute bonding moment. Is this really Joffrey? Of course Joffrey goes right back to being a prick and uses his new Valyrian steel sword, rip Ice, to reenact my dreams of destroying my college textbooks. Joffrey names his sword Widows Wail…well the irony won’t be appreciated by Joffrey as he ends up leaving Margaery a widow…again.

Tyrion pulls the classic tough love act on Shae. Similar to what Arya did to her dire wolf Nymeria and what the movie Old Yeller tried to do with old yeller. The formers make sense because they can’t explain the situation to dogs, but Shae’s a human being, tell her what’s going on. “I love you Shae, but my dad will kill you if you stay one more day with me. Seriously, he’s wiped out entire families and ordered children to be murdered, get out of here. Cersei ain’t much better either than papa either. I’m sure Shae would understand to get the heck out of King’s Landing if Tyrion was just honest here.

Selyse watches her brother burn alive and climaxes at the sight of it…she’s crazy. Her and Ramsay would be a perfect match. The night is dark and full of terrors, mostly Melisandre and Selyse. The reason that Stannis burned his brother by law was because he found he didn’t throw away his previous religious idols. That’s it. That’s like going on a carb diet for half a year and your brother agrees to do it with you for moral support, and then you find a crouton in his salad so you him burn alive. That’s the thing about Stannis, he has zero tolerance in most cases. You do anything wrong, you don’t follow any order he gives, and he’ll come at you in full force. Unless your Davos. He has a soft spot for Davos.

Davos – “How many ships did he bring to your cause? How many men?”
Stannis – “A good deal more than you.”
Burn! Stannis sure is good at burning people…
Stannis “I hate a good many things but I suffer through them all the same.”
He’s talking about his wife! He boiled up some soup from books so she’d gain some knowledge, guess that didn’t work.

before i named photos and made them brighterOne time he shot down seagulls, Mel’s thinking, but did he burn them?!

Selyse wants to beat their daughter with a rod because she’s a “stubborn beast.” She claims that Stannis “thinks she’s sweet because she smiles when he visits her.” Yeah wow, this crazy mother can’t see why her daughter would smile at her father and wants to beat her for it. All hail Satan, Ramsay the Lord of Light! I think someone needs to get a sword and beat the life out of this woman.  Thankfully Stannis puts a stop to it. This women makes Lysa Tulley, the woman who still breast-fed her son at 144 months, look like the mother of the year. Maybe if Selyse used vaccinations on her daughter instead of praying to the Lord of Light to keep her healthy, her daughter wouldn’t be scarred for life.

They convince Mel to visit Shireen, but how’d that conversation go? “Hey Mel could you visit our daughter? For some reason she’s scared of you because you roasted her uncle alive right outside her room. Weird right?” Mel knocks on her door, waking her up. Shireen tells Mel to come in, and Mel’s surprised that she’s awake. What’s in parentheses are Shireen’s thoughts.

Mel – “Did you watch the ceremony?”
Shireen – “I heard it.” (for once in my life I’m glad my crazy mom doesn’t let me out of this room/prison cell)
Mel – “Did it frighten you?”
Shireen – “Ser Axel was my Uncle, he was always kind to me.” (what are you doing with that candle?! Keep that fire away from me! Aaaaaaaaaaa.)
Mel – “They’re in a better place now.”
Shireen – “I heard them screaming.” (Then light yourself on fire you crazy bitch)
Mel – “Child birth hurts, afterwards they’re filled with joy.”
Shireen –“Afterwards they aren’t ash and bone.” (how are these 2 things even comparable? And I thought my mom was crazy.)
Mel – “You have so many questions don’t you?”
Shireen – “…” (You’ve literally been the only one asking the questions. Also you better blow out all those candles your lighting, I’m tired and want to go back to sleep. Sheesh, couldn’t you have visited me in the morning when the Lord of Sun is up?!)

So we start off with Bran warging in Summer. Meaning we get this weird point of view shot from Bran’s dire wolf. I’m sure some show only people are confused, I would be confused if I didn’t read the books. When Bran’s asleep he pretty much takes over Summer’s consciousness and because he’s starving he goes hunting while he’s a wolf. It’s sort of like Bran’s the pilot of the consciousness and Summer’s the copilot and the plane. It’s pretty hard to portray warging and visions on the TV compared to writing about them in the books.

bran praying...or just not standing

Bran takes all the food from Mera. Not cool Bran. Everyone’s starving, but hey, whatever, it must be pretty tiring getting dragged around by Hodor all day. Jojen comments on how it must be pretty cool to run, leap, and hunt while in Summer. Way to rub it in good legs. Jojen tells Bran that he’d forget what it’s like to be human and lose all his memories if he stayed inside Summer too long. “You’d forget them, your dead dad, dead mom, dead brother, Winterfell burning, being a cripple…oh shit we lost him.
Bran – “Awooooo. Wolf life here I come.”
Call me skeptical, but they’re really risking their necks going out on this vague quest north. Bran had a few dreams where a 3 eyed crow cawed at him a couple of times, I guess that means go past the wall and potentially freeze to death. The goal was a little clearer in the books, but in the show it just seems random until Bran touches this Weirwood tree.

Book Tywin would pay off the Iron Bank. The Queen of Thornes comments that “we both know you’re smarter than that.” Is this poking fun to book readers that he is smarter than this in the books? Cersei is clearly at fault in the books for not paying the Iron Bank, but this makes it seem like it’s a Lannister decision instead of a Cersei decision. For those who may have forgotten, the Iron Bank is one of the oldest and most powerful banks in Westeros, well actually it’s located across the Narrow Sea in Braavos. Home to a certain former water dancing teacher. The reason it’s thrived and been profitable for so long is because the bank always gets back what it loans and then some. People that don’t pay back the loans either die off mysteriously, hint the Iron Bank sends someone like Jaqen H’ghar to kill that non-payer, or they send mercenary armies from the free cities to help opposing forces who will pay.  A threat from the Iron Bank is not to be taken lightly, but show Tywin is taking it lightly…

Bronn – “Drink until it feels like you did the right thing.”the rose and the snake, checking eachother out
I’m sure many people in the real world take Bronn’s advice to heart. I’m also sure that a character like Shae doesn’t get to leave the show unharmed off-screen like that, there’s no way that Shae escaped on the boat and gets a happy ending, and that’s show me saying that. Oberyn and Elleria Sand are fascinated by a whore on display during the feast. Did show watchers realize that the Martells are crazy into sex yet? Pod looks back at them and that whore thinking “been there done that.” I swear the Martells want to have sex with everyone that moves. It’s only a matter of time before they hook up with Loras and the TriPod.

Jaime –  “Your sister looks very beautiful.”
He tells Loras that if he were to marry Cersei she’d murder him in his sleep. He’s probably telling the truth too. Am I seriously supposed to believe Jaime is jealous of Loras? I mean everyone and his mother knows that Loras is gay, if Cersei has to marry someone, isn’t this the best outcome for Jaime? Loras just eye banged Oberyn, he’s not going to do anything with your sister. At least Loras got that sweet burn in on Jaime before leaving, Melisandre would love him.

Not to be outdone by her brother, Cersei is somehow jealous of Brienne. Even though Brienne is still in love with Renley. I think Brienne is in love with Jaime in the books, but she herself probably doesn’t even realize that until later. Jaime clearly still loves Cersei, but Cersei is mad at Jaime because he somehow didn’t escape capture quick.

gameofthrones jaime and brienneJaime’s face at the end, “they were totally talking about me. Shit.”

Cersei’s rampage doesn’t end there though, the much less likable Pycelle is her next target. Pycelle will “examine” that poor serving girl personally. Run serving girl run! Cersei cock blocks him though. She tells her to go see Qyburn, which isn’t good advice either! Cersei wants all the wedding leftovers to go to the dogs, which will probably kill some of the dogs because dogs don’t know when to stop eating and that’s a lot of food. Cersei would let a thousand people starve out of spite.

Here’s another reason to like the Martells.

cersei thinking fuck yallsPycelle doesn’t even fear her anymore, he doesn’t even walk towards the kitchen, he just goes to sit down! But for some reason Cersei is satisfied with herself. Classic Cersei.

When the dwarves come out Tyrion tells Pod to make sure they’re paid at least 20 gold…Tyrion, always looking out for the little guys. Tommen stops laughing at the dwarves when he sees his uncle is upset…awww. Tommen is such a cute kid. Thank god he’s not Joffrey.
some people enjoy the show, some smart people know betterDuring the Dwarf scene that offended everyone, here’s a picture of Pycelle not following Cersei’s orders and laughing his ass off. I think he and Joffrey were the only one’s enjoying themselves.

Sansa asks to leave, who would have thought seeing a mockery of her recently murdered brother would make her uncomfortable? Probably Joffrey. That’s why she has to stay. Tyrion tries to escort her away and I think they really bonded over hating Joffrey this episode. Seriously I think Sansa and Tyrion would have made a great couple. I know neither of them ever thought of being together and their families hate each other, but they’re both good on the inside. I love how she grabbed the goblet and handed it to Tyrion, so cute. Go Tyrisa! Sansion? Their couple name doesn’t sound cute at all. The acting and chemistry between Tyrion and Joffrey in the upcoming scene is great.
Tyrion – “Shame it spilled.”
Joffrey – “It didn’t spill.”
Tyrion –  “Your grace does me a great honor.”
Joffrey – “Its not meant as an honor.”

Way to keep classy Tyrion, unlike Joffrey. Joffrey drops and kicks the cup away. And then commands Tyrion to kneel so the audience can hate Joffrey even more before he dies.

Joffrey cuts open the cake and he kills a dove. doveI don’t really blame Joffrey for this one though, who puts doves in a cake? Hey could you cut open this giant pie with a sword? I mean even a normal person would probably kill a dove by accident…There’s probably so much dove poop in that pie too, along with a couple of dead doves. No pie for me, thanks. Margaery is like here, let me feed you, she doesn’t want to eat it at all. Joffrey drinks the wine and chokes. If I weren’t a book reader, I would not have expected Joffrey to die in this episode, the wedding was really well done and I would have been very surprised. Cersei and Jaime watch helplessly as their son dies and Joffrey points to Tyrion, I thought for sure his “last words” would have been a middle finger to Tyrion…just so he could get one more dick move in before he dies… Tommen becomes king now and this is a huge improvement over Joffrey. Besides Ramsay/Selyse anyone would be an improvement. Unfortunately this also means that Cersei will still technically remain Queen regent because Tommen is not of age and Margaery is not married to the king because he just died.

Here’s a pretty good explanation of how Joffrey was murdered.

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