I’ve read the books, but I won’t spoil anything by bringing up anything new for show watchers, but I will make references to the book. There will be spoilers for this episode though, duh.
Just in case we forgot Joffrey was dead, well, he’s still dead. Sansa has like a 5 second, and by like I mean literally, head start before Cersei barks orders to reprimand Sansa, even Tywin declares that no one can leave the city right after, but she does exactly that. She just walks right out of wedding and out the city. Good thing the streets were empty in the most populated city in the Seven Kingdoms…was everyone at the wedding?
The people of the city were probably too busy celebrating Joffrey’s death to search for her. Suddenly fog… I guess Dontos was rowing for a pretty long time, good thing no one saw him in the open water… Well if Littlefinger wasn’t already on creepy uncle status, he’s sprinting there. Apparently he’s a close talker as well. He tells Dontos to quiet down, but he’s practically yelling in Sansa’s face. I don’t think this guy can whisper…it may explain why him and Varys bumped heads all the time. Good thing he didn’t warn Sansa that he was going to kill Dontos in front of her, it’s not like screams carry over water or anything. Petyr pays the iron price, unusual for him because he has such a knack for finding gold.
Here’s Littlefinger’s rationale for killing Dontos.
“Because he was a drunk and a fool and I don’t trust drunk fools.”
“Money buys a man’s silence for a time, a bolt in the heart buys it forever.”
I really like this line, but for some reason they focus on the other line a little more and this one felt rushed over. I thought they excluded this line during my first viewing.
Margaery – “So am I the queen? Not just a queen, syntax is very important to me.”
She’s 0/2 on husbands, but it could be worse, at least she’s not 0/3 on protecting the king. See Lannister, Jamie.
Queen of Thornes – “I saved you from Joffrey. You probably would have been forced to consummate the wedding on a bunch of dead bodies. You’re welcome.”
The Queen of Thornes isn’t too sad about Joffrey’s death…not that anyone was too sad about his death…well I guess besides his mother.
Queen of Thornes – “I know you didn’t enjoy watching him die, but it’s better that he died than you marrying him.”
If you needed more proof that she killed Joffrey then you just haven’t been paying attention.
Margaery – “Excuse me? I enjoyed his death, but I would have been the queen. THE queen.”
She could always hit on Tommen… he’s like 13 now I hear.
Those stone googly eyes on Joffrey’s face are weird. It’s a call back to the pilot where Jon Arryn had them as well, it’s also tradition in the books, but seeing them…weird. I believe this is based off the ancient Greek custom where they put coins on the eyes of their dead so their spirit can pay the ferryman Charon to ferry them across the River Styx and to the Underworld. I don’t think stone eyes would work as payment though…maybe Charon enjoys humor? Maybe the props designer Season 1 screwed up, but now they can’t undo it.
Tywin – “ Your brother is dead, do you know what that means? I’m not trying to trick you.”
He’s trying to trick you! They’re all liars in King’s Landing; you can trust Littlefinger on that ironically.
Tommen – “It means I’ll become king.”
Tywin – “But what makes a good king? What is a king’s most important quality?”
Cersei – “Um dad, trying to mourn over my dead son here.”
Tommen – “Holiness?”
Tywin – “Nope.”
“Your “Dad” was strong, he was a terrible king.”
“…Is it wisdom?”
“Smart answer, but what is wisdom? Do you have any experience ruling?”
“A wise king knows what he knows and what he doesn’t. And look at this, right here on my resume, which I happen to be carrying, shows that I have 20 years experience ruling. A wise king listens to their grandfather.”
Cersei – “Real subtle dad…”
Looks like they had to clear out the church to let them be alone, or maybe no one else came to mourn Joffrey’s death. “And your joy shall turn to ashes in your mouth.” That’s how she knows Tyrion killed Joffrey. That and Joffrey pointed at Tyrion with his dying choke. She’s 100% convinced, not like there’s a CSI division in King’s Landing…which would probably make a great TV show. She asks her brother to kill their little brother…yeah she’s crazy. The moms in Westeros are all crazy. And then things turned a little dark. Enter Jamie. He can’t wipe his own ass, but that doesn’t stop him from raping his sister! Add it to the list of things he can do better than wiping his own ass. Which is too long after item one. Looks like Jamie was taking funeral-crashing lessons from Will Ferrell. Just when I thought they couldn’t make incest any kinkier they add in some “minor” rape. Cosmo’s tips to spice up this rape.
1. Incorporate your dead son’s stone googly eyes.
2. Incorporate your dead son!
3. Incorporate your live son! And grandpa too while you’re at it.
Arya – “You don’t know where we are? Don’t you have a map?”
The Hound – “Point out the next map store and I’ll buy you one.”
He says that pretty sarcastically, but does Westeros seriously not have any map stores? That seems like a pretty great business opportunity. The Hound says he’d like to cross the Narrow Sea to fight as a sellsword for the Second Sons, which is perfect because he’s a second son. Did he ever mention that his older brother the Mountain burned his face and ruined any happiness he could have? I bet he’d love to have pity contests with who had the worst older brother among the other Second Sons. Arya wants to cross the Narrow Sea and go to Braavos because she has “friends” there, like a dead dancing teacher and a man who can literally change his own face. She’ll end up finding no one most likely. This old man says that the Hound is standing on his land, says so right on his map. Good thing the old man doesn’t recognize one of the most notorious fighters in Westeros by his giant burn scare covering half his face…seriously, couldn’t he pick up a newspaper at the map store once in a while?! Good thing the Hound looks so trustable…or better yet, good thing Arya is such a smooth little criminal. What is House Tully for 200 Trebek. She’s hoping that this old man from the Riverlands is as dumb as the average Tully -Catelyn, Lysa, Edmure- and not Blackfish.
The old man has offered them guest right and if we’ve learned anything from watching the Red Wedding then guest right means that they’re totally safe. I think this little girl has less dialogue than Rickon Stark had ever.
Old man – “Can I hire you to defend me from raiders and help with the farm work? Sally does what she can, but she can’t lift a bale of hay, she sort of just frolics in the flowers… (why couldn’t I have had a son!) Basically I need you to be a scarecrow, and judging by your face, you’re perfect for the job.”
The Hound – “Couldn’t I just take your money and not defend you?”
Old man – “Yeah, but I was nice to you. Fair wages for fair work?”
The Hound – “Fair theft for a fair night’s rabbit stew.”
In the morning, the daughter gets an off-screen scream, she now has more lines than Rickon!
Arya – “You told me you weren’t a thief. You couldn’t even keep your code for 2 episodes?!”
He did say he had a code…
The Hound – “I didn’t steal from them. He just gave me the silver after I showed him how strong I was…okay you know what?! I make the rules! We’re all liars here.”
Arya – “You’re the worst shit in the seven kingdoms.” (and stop copying Littlefinger.)
The Hound – “They’ll both be dead come winter. And dead men don’t need silver…just googly eyed rocks. There’s plenty worse than me…How many Starks do they got to behead before you figure it out.”
The Night’s Watch is apparently full of rapers, murderers, more rapers (the Kingslayer would fit right in!), and ninth born sons. So every background Night’s Watch member is either a criminal or an excess son. Poor ninth son, now he has even more brothers to compete with for daddy’s love. In the books some brothers from the Night’s Watch actually saw Sam kill a White Walker, so half of the brothers call him Sam the Slayer in earnest, while the rest call him that in jest. Here it just seems like it’s all jest.
Sam – “So um…you alright? No one bothering you? (were you raped?! I wouldn’t put it past Game of Thrones to put two rapes in one episode!)
Gilly – “No ones touched me if that’s what you mean.”
Sam – “Thank the Old Gods for that then.”
This show does a great job with pairings, I love the relationships between many of the characters, with Davos and Stannis being one of my favorites.
Stannis – “I threw leeches with bastard’s blood into a fire and said Joffrey’s name. Now he’s dead, coincidence?!”
Davos – “Yeah…your Grace.”
Davos lists off the houses that he got to join their cause while Stannis rips apart a boat figurine…what’d that boat do to you Stannis?! Why do you hate boats so much? First the Battle of the Blackwater and now this…
Stannis – “They don’t have enough between them to raid a pantry.”
How is it that no one likes Stannis in Westeros? This guy is hilarious.
Davos – “How about, since no one likes you and you have no friends outside of me, we hire some sellswords to fight for us? The Golden Company would be a great hire.”
Stannis – “Oh my Lord of Light Davos, I can’t hire sellswords! What would people think of me?”
Davos – “You’re willing to use blood magic but you’re not willing to pay men to fight for you?!”
He raises a valid point.
Stannis – “I can’t have sex with the sellswords!”
He raises a valid point as well.
Davos – “I’ve never heard of visions and prophecies winning wars, soldiers win wars.”
Let’s just say many valid points are made.
Stannis – “I will not become a page in someone else’s history book. My pages need to be at least…three times as big.”
Shireen tells Davos he can’t become a proper hand if he can’t pronounce knight kerrectly. Oh come on princess, that happened one time! Maybe Davos could read better if he could see, but I guess Shireen has issues with fire, which I can’t really blame her for. Also it must be pretty tough for Davos to turn the pages with such stubby fingers. If you’re a famous smuggler, you’re not doing it right. The whole point of this scene is for Davos to have an epiphany and write to the Iron Bank telling them that Stannis would pay back the debt the Lannisters won’t pay. Thus the Iron Bank will help Stannis win. Davos kisses Shireen on the head in thanks, I wouldn’t be surprised if that was the first display of physical affection she’s ever experienced, her parents aren’t exactly the most loving people.
Gilly talks to maybe one of the creepiest looking people in the show. Oh you’re from north of here, real clever, like anyone with a half a brain couldn’t figure out that meant she’s a wildling. Sam’s plan is to leave Gilly in Mole’s Town, pretty much the only brothel that’s not owned by Littlefinger, where she’ll be the most attractive one in the town by far and there are wildlings south of the wall raiding every village… and here I thought Sam was supposed to be smart, what are you reading all those books for?!
So the opening scene starts off with an orgy, must be an Oberyn and Ellaria scene. So the gay whore doesn’t like kissing Ellaria, which makes sense because he’s gay, but doesn’t make sense because he’s a WHORE, pretty unprofessional. Everyone has a preference, but according to Oberyn, everyone who does is missing half the world’s pleasure. Heck, I don’t even eat the chocolate half on black and white cookies, but Oberyn has convinced me to expand my horizons. Their orgy is stopped by a Lannister, again, and here I was hoping Tywin was going to start expanding his horizons. Oberyn doesn’t believe a child is responsible for the sins of his grandfather, real subtle, don’t worry Oberyn, Joffrey had plenty of sins of his own. Oberyn studied poisons at the Citadel, pretty much the only University in all of Westeros, and it’s where all maesters forge their chains, aka diplomas. I’m assuming the first thing every maester must learn in the citadel is chain smithing. Oberyn was studying to become a maester, but ended up forgoing that career to become a professional badass and sex expert. Tywin pretty much ordered the slaughter of Oberyn’s sister and her children through the Mountain, which is why Oberyn hates Tywin so much. Now I’m sure he didn’t tell the Mountain to rape her, but he definitely ordered him to murder her. Everyone in Westeros knows that Tywin did this, but no one calls him out on it either because he’s scary. Tywin offers this man, who loathes and wants to kill him, a place closer to his side by placing him on the small council. In the books Tyrion sets this alliance up and not his father. Tyrion sends Myrcella to Dorne, which he does in the show as well, and arranges a marriage between the two great families, Lannister and Martell. He then invites Doran Martell, not Oberyn, to take the seat on the small council, thus creating a similar situation Theon was put in before the show started for Myrcella but having a royal Dorne hostage incase they tried to double cross them. Like father like son.
I love how Podrick tried to sneak in wine for Tyrion, he knows him so well. Although the people searching him somehow didn’t find the candle, quill, parchment, goose sausage and cheese he snuck in…either he didn’t prioritize hiding the wine better or Tripod has a medieval batman utility belt he’s not telling us about. Tyrion’s allowed to call his own witnesses, but that’s not exactly too helpful at this point. He can’t call Sansa because she’s been wisped away by Littlefinger. Yes that’s as creepy as it sounds. Varys can’t speak on his behalf because he’s already speaking against him. Bronn isn’t allowed to come because he’s under investigation himself, which is ridiculous. I don’t think Bronn was even at the wedding. Maybe they don’t want to let Bronn save him again? At least he’s allowed to see his brother, although Cersei did just ask Jamie to kill him. Things are looking pretty good for Tyrion in opposite world. Tyrion is certain that his sister is the only one who wouldn’t murder Joffrey, however the rest of the Westeros is fair game. She’s still trying to actively kill him though, something he should watch out for. Tyrion has lost his lover, his wife, and now Pod. I think this one hurts the most, it certainly hurts the most for me. I like how Tyrion was at least honest with Pod, something he didn’t do with Shae. “Pod I’m really happy you wouldn’t stab me in the back, but if you don’t leave the city someone will kill you for being associated with me…There has never lived a more loyal squire.” 😦
A peaceful family enjoying a beautiful spring day. For a second there I thought I was watching the wrong show. The father gets an arrow to the head and the boy watches helplessly while the rest of his village (that is one small village) get slaughtered. The wee lad is told that his parents will be eaten before being told to run to the wall. Does he know where the Wall is? Um does he know which way is north? Because that’s all it takes… Good thing the wall has Janos Slynt to protect him. Rangers returned this episode, but only recognizable characters Dolorous Edd and Grenn return alive. Jon Snow urges the Watch to venture beyond the Wall and kill the turncloaks because they might tell Mance the Watch only has a 100 people. Okay…this wasn’t in the books and I don’t know what to make of this. Even if each of them kills a 100 wildlings there’s not a thing they can do to stop them…except this 700 foot wall made of ice. Besides that though, nothing can stop the wildlings.
So Daenary’s can barely hear the champion guy on the ground, how is anyone sitting up on the Meereen ledge supposed to hear anything that happens then? They can’t. She cannot risk Grey Worm because he’s the commander of the Unsullied. She cannot risk Ser Barristan the Bold because he’s won more single combats than any man alive…yeah not sure why she didn’t choose him either. She cannot risk Jorah because he’s in the friend zone…ouch man. All of these guys would win, but she chooses Daario because if she loses him she looses the 2000 sellswords he commands, but he’s handsome so let him fight. Daario wins. In a cool way that would make Indiana Jones proud, making Daenerys fall for him even harder than before.