Game of Thrones Recap: Oathkeeper

I’ve read the books, but I won’t spoil anything by bringing up anything new for show watchers, but I will make references to the book. There will be spoilers for this episode though, duh.

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I viewed the first scene a couple of times and still have no idea what Missandei is teaching Grey Worm. It’s like half a lesson on speaking and half a lesson on reading, but really a lesson to us show watchers about these characters. I know Daenerys is supposed to be a kind queen, but really? Reading lessons? A sort of No Unsullied Left Behind policy by Daenerys I suppose, except only for Grey Worm and the rest of the Unsullied are literally left behind. If it’s speaking lessons, I mean all of his soldiers speak Valerian and so does Dany, so it’s not like it’s necessary for him to learn a new language. Grey Worm says that he comes from the Summer Isles, but then he says he can’t remember who he was before he was an Unsullied. Where is this information coming from? Do the Unsullied slave masters keep a record of where they get each of their slaves? Not sure why it would be important to document… It was a really bright outside that tent, but they choose to learn by a fire inside a dark tent, watch out for carbon monoxide poisoning, maybe you should teach him about that. Are they trying to ship the beautiful Missandei and an emotionless castrated solider together? Seriously, what’s the point of this scene…
Grey Worm – “Missandei is teacher good my queen.” Adorable
Screen shot 2014-04-30 at 11.49.00 PM It’s like Daenerys and Barristan are parents walking in on their kids fooling around, but it’s like okay. Across the Narrow Sea in King’s Landing Tywin frowns.

Well breaking into the city was pretty easy, but then again that thermal exhaust port sewer gate was just begging for the rebels Daenery’s soldiers to break in through it. So they just put all the slaves together in one room…okay then. It just seems like a stupid idea all around. Apparently one of the slaves lived through 2 slave revolts and claims that the masters always end up winning and the slaves always end up dead. So explain to me again why he’s alive? Is he here just so he could discourage other slave revolts?
Grey Worm – “A single day of freedom is worth more than a lifetime in chains.”
There are no chains on these guys, those collars are more of an accessory than anything. It even holds up a few of those slave’s robes.

fat and uglyThe slaves complain that they have no weapons and have no training, and with perfect timing Grey Worm gives them weapons. This scene reminded me if this ubiquitous gym sign. Only one problem was solved here guys!

Grey Worm – “No one can give you your freedom brothers…well except me…and Daenarys technically gave me my freedom. Only we can give you your freedom, but you’re going to have to do all the work.”
Good thing these streets are empty in one of the most populated cities in wherever the fuck this is Meereen. Kill the masters is written on the wall. There are so many things wrong with this graffiti and I’m going to list them all.

1. It’s written in the common tongue, all the slaves speak Valyrian. Good thing Grey Worm can speak/read this now! But writing lessons aren’t until next week, so no one could have written this.
2. All the slaves were in one big room together, who is this message for? The masters? Way to let them potentially know about your surprise revolt. This makes less sense than the burning batman sign in The Dark Knight Rises.
3. It’s written in blood, do you want diseases? Because that’s how you get diseases.
4. What did they use to write this? Were some paint brushes in that bag of swords Grey Worm gave them?! I’m assuming spray paint isn’t a thing yet.

This was written in English for the viewers, but it’s not even necessary. The master sees it and even reads it out loud in Valyrian. After that he suddenly sees and is startled by the Targaryen flag about a dozen kilometers away, which gives the guards enough time to get out of there. At least they maintain the slaves have no idea how to fight as it takes about a 100 slaves to kill this one master. bbb After this one master is killed the city is taken over. Seems a little excessive.

Barristan – “Sometimes it’s better to answer in justice, with mercy.”

Daenerys – “I will answer in justice with revenge justice”
Looks like Dany is taking the passion of Christ to the next level. She’s certainly taking cheesy lines to the next level.

ffffThis pyramid seems pretty high up…she’s not even out of breath. There isn’t any elevator magic as far as I know, how’d she get up there so easily?

Jamie can spin his sword with his left hand, add it to the list of things he can with his left hand better than wiping his own ass! Jamie is learning how to fight well again, he sure seems like a fast learner when it doesn’t involve reading. I bet that thrust through the mad kings back was as pretty as a picture. Nice backhanded compliment. (oh wait…) Is Bronn really teaching Jamie how to fight dirty? This is the same Jamie that stabbed Jory Castle in the eye during their skirmish right? I know he didn’t kill Ned Stark after his fight with Jory, but after Ned got stabbed in the leg Jamie felt that the fight wouldn’t count as his own victory if he killed him. That was more about hubris than honor. So I’m a little confused where Jamie’s honor in fighting has come from, and don’t tell me it’s Brienne.

If Jamie isn’t going to use that hand, then somebronn will.

Jamie asks if Bronn talks to his brother this way. He talks to everyone this way, that’s why we love him. Is Jamie really asking Bronn if Tyrion did it?
Bronn – “He hated the little twat sure, but who didn’t?”
He gets the best lines in the show.
“Poison and murder isn’t his style, just slaps, I guess it’s rubbing off on me too.”
Golden hand slaps bring slap bets to a whole new level.
Bronn tells Jamie that Tyrion had initially named Jamie as his champion during his trial by combat in the Eyrie. Awww. Tyrion loves his big bro and Bronn is his real friend.

kingslayer brothersJamie visits his brother and tries to cheer him up by telling him some stories about his imprisonment. He rambles on about how he was covered in his own shit for months, but that was more of his fault than his captors. Maybe Jamie needs some help when it comes to all bathroom activities, seriously this guy is pooping at an infant level. One of the judges for Tyrion’s trial is Tywin…he should just give up now. The Kingslayer brothers are the next blues brothers.

Tyrion – “Are you really asking if I killed your son?”
He asked Bronn in the last scene.
Jamie – “Are you really asking if I’d kill my brother?”
I mean you have sex with your sister. Nothing seems off the table.
Tryion – “Sansa couldn’t have done this. She’s not a killer…not yet anyway.”
Glad to see Tyrion is still defending his bride. This is made even cuter when Sansa defends Tyrion in the next scene too. They would’ve made such cute wolflion babies after the appropriate waiting time.

Littlefinger – “A man with no motive is a man no one suspects. Always keep your foes confused, if they don’t know who you are or what you want they can’t know what you plan to do next.”
Like Sansa, I don’t believe him. I mean that sounds cool, but it’s kind of ridiculous to kill Joffrey just to confuse your foes. Littlefinger says he’ll risk anything to get what he wants, and what he wants is that underage Stark. Littlefinger says that he doesn’t want friends like him, meaning not even Littlefinger wants a friend like Littlefinger.
Littlefinger – “Nothing like a thoughtful gift to have a new friendship grow strong.”
Hey, those are the Tyrell words, I wonder who his new friends could be?!

The Queen of Thornes is leaving in case you didn’t hear her say it. It’s unfortunate that we won’t have her wit in King’s Landing anymore. Margaery doesn’t know if she’s going to marry Tommen now that Joffrey’s dead, I’m sure many of the show watchers are wondering the same thing. The Queen of Thornes sister, who I can only assume is a 100 by now, was arranged to marry Margaery’s grandfather and not her. She was supposed to marry a Targaryen instead. She probably dodged a bullet on that one seeing as Daenerys is the only Targaryen left, but for all I know her potential husband just died of old age. So she sleeps with her sister’s arranged husband and she’s so good that he marries her instead of her sister. What a great sister.
Thanks grandma. He couldn’t walk the next day? Really didn’t need to know that one. The Queen of Thornes tells Margaery that she’s even better…at what? Sex? The Queen of Thornes talks sex tips with her granddaughter Margaery…well I guess it’s not out of character.

Queen of Thornes – “Also I killed Joffrey”
(I thought she knew already, I guess there’s more Mace in her than I thought)
She then proceeds to encourage Margaery to take advantage of Cersei mourning her son and to “persuade” Tommen to come to her side. Grandma is telling her granddaughter to have sex with a little boy while her mom is distracted by the death of her other son. Don’t worry Littlefinger told her it would be a good idea.

Screen shot 2014-05-01 at 11.52.57 PMSo is anyone going to help this guy?…

hjfhlkklhjGuys I think he’s dead…

Jon – “Wildlings usually fight with 2 swords, 1st thing you try to do is disarm them to even the odds.”
I’m no sword master, but this seems like bad advice, especially when most these recruits have as much experience fighting as a slave in Meereen. Maybe start off with some actually advice instead of telling them to just be a better fighter. So Locke joined the Night’s Watch. I guess my prediction about him going for Rickon was wrong. Clearly nobody cares about him, both in and out of the show. I’m going to put the over/under of Rickon appearances at 0. I’ll take the under. Locke beats the daylight out of that recruit and he never gets up for the rest of the show. Sam promises Bran not to tell Jon that he’s alive in the books, part of the reason is that he doesn’t want anyone looking for him, but in the show Jon knows. I’m pretty sure Locke overhears them talking about Bran, but apparently he doesn’t. Janos Slynt’s master plan is for Jon to get killed by the mutineers. Decent plan I guess.

UO92JFcJamie knocks on the door of Cersei’s room, but she just doesn’t say respond. That’s just spiteful. In other news, add knocking on the door to the list! Cersei asks how many Kingsguards are outside Tommen’s door, Jamie says just 1. I want to criticize Cersei, I usually do, but what are the other 5 Kingsguards doing? She makes a pretty valid point, it’s like having 7 night security guards and only having one on duty while the rest sleep. You don’t want any assassins or pedophiles to sneak in, no matter how hot they are. So they’re just going to act like that rape didn’t happen, me too. She’s been wondering for months why Catelyn Stark let him free…good thing Jamie got back about a couple of weeks ago and that’s when she learned the news…there’s no way he’s been back in the capitol for months.

Jamie – “I told her I’d return her daughters to her, but really I would have agreed to anything if it meant seeing you.”
He probably would have done anything for his hand back too.
Cersei – “Show me how much you love me! Kill Tyrion! Kill Sansa!”
Do it cause you love me…reminded me of this Louis CK bit.
“I hate Tyrion, that creature. He was abused by the world, hated by his father and sister…he’ll kill us all if he could.” This seems like a non sequitur.

How did she get past the kingsguard? Let’s just say Ser Boros won’t be able to walk in the morning… Margaery asks Tommen to tell her a secret…and like that, Tommen forgets every secret he’s ever had. Thankfully Ser Pounce saves the day! I was never a fan of naming pets with honorifics, but “ser” is pretty cool. If you look closely, you can see the exact moment when Tommen hits puberty. Tommen talks about how Joffrey would threaten to skin his cat alive and mix his innards in Tommen’s food so he wouldn’t know that he was eating him. It’s more humane than what a certain Eric Cartman did though. Even though Joffrey’s dead, his psychopathic ways live on. I don’t think the Queen of Thornes was advising her granddaughter to his just kiss Tommen on his forehead, but the HBO executives were. All said and done, I think he’ll be able to walk tomorrow just fine.

Jamie never wears his white cloak, just that awesome windbreaker/trench coat which he’s had since the pilot. Brienne seems more impressed with the armor than the valyrian steel sword. At least he’s sticking it to his dad by giving that sword away. Tywin’s thoughtful sword gifts have pretty much gone to waste as both recipients won’t be using them. He hopes he got her measurements right, but I’m guessing he just told the armorer “extra large.” Brienne is going on a journey to find Sansa, but she’ll probably have better luck finding Arya. Good thing she has no idea what Arya looks like. Brienne tells Jamie that she’ll find Sansa for Lady Catelyn and him. I’m sure Lady Catelyn really appreciates that from the grave, she has Robb and Ned to hang out with now.

IEVaULqMore Pod! I heard he’s very…ahem, built for all of your needs Brienne. Tyrion gives Pod a going away present, we’re about 3 hobbits and one magic ring short of an epic adventure. Lot of cunts name their swords according to the Hound, I don’t think him and Brienne would get along. Oathkeeper is a much better name than Widow’s Wail, but both of these names fall short in coolness compared to Ice. If you notice right before Brienne gets to her horse, Pod is on his knees ready to help her get on…I think he always had to do this with Tyrion, but I’m pretty sure Brienne can get on just fine. I think Pod’s going to go through an adjustment period getting used to his new master’s drastic height change. There seems to be a lot of goodbyes in this show.

Jon is asking for some volunteers to go on a dangerous trip past the wall.
“There’s 60 miles between us and Crasters…and Mance Rayder has a gigantic army with giants in it bent on killing every Night’s Watch member…and there’s also an undead army lead by White Walkers…and this giant ice wall is the only reason we’ve been safe for so long…so who’s with me?”pyp
Pyp – (Fuck doing this.)
I can see one of the awkward brothers standing up trying to get to the bathroom, not realizing that Jon expects him to come now. The 2 guys that just got back are the first 2 to volunteer. You have my word Jon (and Pod has MY AXE!) that we’ll go with you. Locke is going north of the wall with Jon, so this guy works fast. He might get to Bran next episode.

That skull cup does not look sanitary, but I’m just glad it’s not a crystal skull. He misses all the wine that he attempts to poor in his mouth, probably not the best cup. Their plan is to fuck Craster’s daughters until they’re dead…it’s like he wants to supply the White Walkers with more people. They’re keeping Ghost alive because…at this point it’s almost guaranteed that Ghost escapes and eats a few of them. I love that there’s just two people going at it in the background. It’s not porn, it’s HBO. This dude hasn’t lost a fight since he was nine…so did he willingly go to the Night’s Watch or does forfeiting not count as a lost fight? So all of Craster’s daughters start chanting “give to the Gods” after the baby is born…really creepy. Does it matter if this baby was a boy? It’s not like this psycho Karl would have kept the baby if it was a girl, would they have still chanted “give it to the Gods” then? Rast is such a nice guy, tucking in that baby before leaving him to freeze to death. I feel like the baby should have froze to death on the walk outside alone…I’m not sure how far out Rast decides to leave the baby. He probably thought, eh, here’s good. Sure Ghost is thirsty, but can’t he eat the snow for water? I guess the spilled water is meant to show us that the White Walkers are coming. If this was The Day After Tomorrow he’d be dead already.

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Bran hears a baby in the woods, and closes his eyes and drifts to imagination land. In reality Bran doesn’t have any powers and they were just trying to make him feel better about being a cripple. How sad would that be? Branmer follows the voice of the crying baby, but then he hears Ghost’s howl and follows that instead. Branmmer falls into a trap before he can save Ghost because…well I guess these guys set traps around Ghost just incase someone other than Bran tried to rescue him. I barely believed this group was capable of capturing Ghost, are the writers trying to tell me these guys are competent enough to catch 2 dire wolves?!

Bran tells Meera and the gang that “they” caught Summer in a trap…more like he screwed up. But that’s okay, this is still pretty fixable, Summer was about 5 wolf steps away from Ghost, just walk there, avoid the trap that you already saw, and free both dire wolves. I’m sure 2 loyal dire wolves would come in handy. Or wait until morning and scope out these bad guys without the dire wolves…okay. And they just forget about the baby too!

dfhhfdJojen looks like he’s going to die any second now.

Bran- “Hey it’s the Nights Watch, Jon might be here and they’re good guys.”
Um no Bran, they captured Ghost remember. Cue rape. Okay, they’re definitely the bad guys. Bran doesn’t want to leave without Summer, but he should know exactly where he is, he was him when Summer got caught! It seems his legs aren’t the only thing useless about him. So they knock Mera out pretty harshly and just surround the other guys. Pretty sexist. If I didn’t hate these guys before, tying up Hodor and stabbing him with spears probably does it. Karl likes Meera’s curly hair because his mom had curly hair, okay Oedipus. Having a highborn hostage is valuable for those trades with white walkers and wildlings. Outside of Jon Snow having Bran as a hostage is pretty much meaningless. You know what you do with a guy having a seizure? You sort of just make sure he doesn’t bump into anything, so she didn’t really need to help her brother…just saying his life was not in danger at all.

Screen shot 2014-05-02 at 1.08.56 AMSo for a second there I thought we were going to see Benjen Stark. The White Walker tenderly holds a baby in his arms, but I feel like that baby should already be frozen unless that blanket is made out of lava or White Walkers somehow give off warmth, that baby is dead. The baby is not killed and has a surprisingly tender moment with ice Darth Maul. So I guess this is how White Walkers are made, I guess storks can’t deliver that far north. This ritual brings up a lot of questions.

So is it sad that babies in Westeros have a higher survival rate when an ice zombie performs a ritual than hot red-headed priestesses? Yes.
Maybe this is some sort of Agent Smith thing?
Is there like a White Walker day care then? I’m guessing the first lesson is art…with dead bodies.
Are these babies smarter now?
Does anything change about them other than their eyes? Maybe the White Walkers weren’t asleep for thousands of years, maybe their recruiting system just takes longer than it takes George RR Martin to write his next book in the series.
Are more than half of these guys Craster’s sons?
Would they not have accepted Craster’s daughters? I guess we didn’t get to see the no girls allowed sign.
Are their no female White Walkers then?
Can the White Walkers only turn babies into white walkers or can adults turn too?
Did anyone else think of this song when the baby’s eyes turned blue?

Screen shot 2014-05-05 at 12.37.56 AM

White Walkers turning Craster’s sons into one of them isn’t stated in the books, but I think someone notes that the White Walkers take these babies tenderly when they were picking them up in the snow, so it was skeptically speculated about. The biggest surprise seems to be that in the synopsis of the episode, the ice Darth Maul is referred to as the “Night King”. Now I don’t think this is a spoiler because it’s from a story Old Nan told in the 1st book, actually I don’t even remember seeing her when Theon Reek took over Winterfell in Season 2. Maybe they tell the story of the Night King during one of Bran’s dull moments in the show, but I’m going to consider that unlikely. I won’t go into too much detail, but I can explain to some of the show watchers why some of the book readers are going crazy. George RR has given us almost no information about White Walkers, but this show seemed to have given us some interesting info with this episode. Also with all the wait time in between books people have been looking into Old Nan’s stories and trying to find some deeper meaning…just like they’re trying to find a deeper meaning in every sentence. Revealing that the Night King is the “leader” of the others ruins some tinfoil theories. Oh well. It’s still a pretty rare moment for a book reader to feel as shocked as a show watcher, but that’s exactly what happened during this episode.

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