Game of Thrones Recap: First of His Name

I’ve read the books, but I won’t spoil anything by bringing up anything new for show watchers, but I will make references to the book. There will be spoilers for this episode though, duh.

The Hound – “Do you have to praise the new king in all of the Seven? And we ask the Stranger not to kill us in our beddies for no damn reason at all, fuck the king, amen.”
Long may he reign. At least he’s he’s not Joffrey. Everyone goes up to kneel before Zod Tommen Tywin.

Screen shot 2014-05-07 at 10.56.22 PMCould you walk any slower old man? Sheesh, I have things to do.


Margaery and Tommen flirt at a middle school level by giving each other furtive romantic glances from across the room while being too embarrassed to hold eye contact for more than a few seconds. Is it sad that I still do this too? It doesn’t take long for Cersei to notice, and she goes to talk to Margaery.
Margaery – “Tommen sits on the throne like he was borne for it.”
Is she complementing his sitting skills? Okay then.
Cersei – “But he wasn’t”
I’m actually on Cersei’s side on this one. Joffrey just died Margaery, what were you thinking?
Cersei – “Do you still mourn for Joffrey? Because he would have been your nightmare.”
Unrelated, Margaery sleeps just fine now. Tommen too.

Screen shot 2014-05-07 at 11.03.17 PMWhy are you touching me…what’s happening right now?

Cersei tells Margaery that she’ll never love anything in the world as much as your first-born child. I guess that explains why all the ninth borne sons are sent to the Night’s Watch. I mean if I was Cersei, thank the Gods I’m not, Tommen would have been #1 in my eyes, but then again I’m a sane person. The things that Joffrey did shocked Cersei, this is coming from a woman who has sex with her twin brother…that’s pretty shocking. Margaery sarcastically jokes whether she should call Cersei sister or mother. Careful there Marg, if you’re her sibling she’ll either want to kill or fuck you, vastly different conclusions.

cefscaA delicate flower such as yourself shouldn’t play with a crazy lioness

Daenerys receives the news of Joffrey’s death a little late, or early…I’m not sure how fast information travels for someone that’s about a million walls lengths away from King’s Landing. Daario heard she liked ships, so he stole her 93 ships…I’m not sure how that’s possible. Did he steal the head ship and the rest of the ships just fell in line or did he steal each ship individually?! You got to give the guy credit, 93 ships is no easy task. She’s impressed too. I’m sure Jorah is thinking to himself (Of course she loves ships, come on J bear, you could have done that for her.) We’re all waiting for you to get across that sea Dany, use the damn ships! The king is dead and we all know how strong he was… Shouldn’t the 7 Kingdoms be stronger with Joffrey dead? Dany thinks that Barristan’s advice to take the capital is a little too bold, so she asks Jorah what he thinks. He tells her that 10,000 men is enough to conquer King’s Landing, but not all of Westeros. Don’t listen to Jorah, listen to Barristan the Bright! Daenerys is informed that the other cities she left behind are in ruin now. Who could have thought ransacking a city and leaving would leave it in ruin? Discipline reflects leadership, looks like Daenery’s isn’t as good of a queen as she thought she was. Please leave me, not you cliché.

Daenerys – “How can I rule 7 Kingdoms if I can’t rule slavers bay?”
You have dragons. That’s all you need to rule. She’s not sailing to Westeros. Noooooo. Queens don’t rule, see Cersei and Lysa, queens drool…

Screen shot 2014-05-10 at 1.01.15 AMWhat are they saying? If only they taught me this language…Missandei is teacher bad.

Littlefinger tells Sansa that using her strengths wisely can make 1 man worth 10,000. This is some great advice for the Night’s Watch, compared to Littlefinger, Jon Snow knows next to nothing! He says that men would get slaughtered like goats if they tried to take this gate, but I believe the term is sheep, goats are pretty strong and can climb mountains. Maybe Littlefinger isn’t as smart as I thought he was. Apparently if Sansa wears a hood no one will recognize her… They can’t see her auburn hair, which would give her away because she’s the only girl in the world with auburn hair… I mean if people can’t even recognize the Hound, I think she probably doesn’t even need the hood. I find it hard to believe this is the only way to get into the Eyrie. I also find it hard to believe that attackers can’t come up with some sort of shield like mechanism to arrive at the bloody Bloody Gate blood intact. Remember when Bronn beat Lysa’s champion prettay easily? It was probably because the Knights of the Vale don’t really have any combat experience. This fortress has never been overcome in a thousand years, the only time was way back when Aegon had dragons, good thing they’re all dead! Varys doesn’t tell Littlefinger anything his Littlebirds, no relation to Littlefinger, know because they hate each other.  I’d love to see Bronn impregnate that bitch with some climbing gear and 10 good men. Honestly I think he could do it. The guy at the Bloody Gate clearly knows who Littlefinger is, he even addresses him as Lord Baelish, so why did he ask Littlefinger to identify himself then? The archers really had to be told that this guy was okay? Did those hoods really make them that unrecognizable?!

Screen shot 2014-05-10 at 1.09.22 AMWho could it be? Believe it or not, it’s just me! (sing to the tune of Greatest American Hero)

I’m actually pretty surprised how much Robin likes Littlefinger. A hug for Uncle Petyr, I guess he’s literally a creepy Uncle now. A beautiful toy for a beautiful boy. I’m not sure Lysa knows what the word beautiful means, but I appreciate the rhyming. Sansa addresses herself as Alayne to her crazy aunt, looks like she and Littlefinger talked about using a fake name offscreen. That’s probably not confusing for show watchers. The short explanation is that Littlefinger tells Sansa to go by Alayne Stone and pretend to be his bastard daughter. They also plan to dye her hair brown to change her appearance, but I guess they don’t do that here.
lfm2Lysa – “I know who you are Sansa, don’t worry, you’re safe here.”
Sansa – “Oh it’s great to finally meet you Aunt Lysa-”
Lysa – “Oh my seven, you can’t call me Aunt Lysa! I can’t have anyone know that we’re related! It’s not safe here!”
Sansa – “But you just…”
Lysa – “What if the Lannisters heard? They killed my husband and I wouldn’t be surprised if they killed you next.”
Robin shows as much tact greeting Sansa as he does for his new toy. That toy flew out the window moon door pretty fast. Robin says that he wants to make the toy fly, but that wasn’t flying, that was falling with style. Is it weird that I actually feel for Littlefinger? What was the point of giving that brat a toy then? They’re all liars in King’s Landing, but what about in the Eyrie? They’re all idiots here, and all of them are dumber than you.  Lysa is still bitter about Tyrion getting away and tries to convince Sansa that he wanted to violate her. “He tried to rape you and wanted to marry you right?” At this moment Sansa realizes how good she had it with Tyroin, why couldn’t she have figured it out sooner! Lysa then introduces Sansa to her idiot son Robin, but tells him not to call her that. lfgWhy even introduce her then? You really trust that little shit with keeping any secret? But so far I haven’t actually seen anyone in the castle, maybe they’ll be okay. Lysa can’t keep her hands off Littlefinger, she doesn’t call him the Bigfinger for nothing. She wants to get married tonight and there’s no love in Petyrs eyes, just dread. The thing is he’s one of the best liars in the world and he just can’t fake it infront of her, it’s just too painful when someone’s that insane. So she killed her own husband and lied to her sister about it. Spoilers Lysa! But if you want a more in-depth reaction to what Lysa just revealed to us, someone does a much better job than me here!
Littlefinger – “The deed is done. Speak nothing of it, only speaking it can make it real.”
What a polite way to say shut the fuck up.
Littlefinger – “I guess we can get married, just let me get ready…”
Lysa opens the closet doors revealing a septon ready to marry them.
Littlefinger – “…okay then. We’re just doing this now? Like right now?…”
Is anyone else annoyed that she talks about Sansa in the open and confesses to murdering her husband when these guys were right behind all of them in the closet?!

The first thing I noticed when they cut to Sansa was her room had really high ceilings. The second thing I noticed was that she had a candle lamp lit right next to her face. Yeah I know Lysa is shouting louder than a mandrake ripped out of the ground, but why does Sansa have that lamp on?Just so we could get a better shot of her face I suppose…I mean there have been multiple dim-lit shots this season and it’s been pretty tough getting some good screenshots, so thanks I guess.  Maybe have her trying to read a book or something. Do they not have earmuffs in Westeros? Another million dragon idea along with map stores.

Tywin – “When will they be getting married?”
Cersei – “After Tommen is given the appropriate time to mourn his brother and Margaery is given the appropriate time to mourn her husband.”
Tywin with no hesitation – “ So a fortnight.”
It’s not even a question.
Cersei – “…Sure dad, that’s the normal grieving period right?”
Tywin – “And your wedding to Loras?”
Cersei – “Shortly after their wedding.”
Tywin uses his menacing stare…or just his usual stare. It’s super effective.
Screen shot 2014-05-11 at 3.14.56 PMCersei – “A fortnight after their wedding.”
Tywin – “I know you don’t like Loras, but I didn’t like your last husband either. He used to pat me on the back a lot.”
Did he also shake your hand a little too hard? And I bet his bear hugs were just the worst, right Tywin? It had nothing to do with him cheating on your daughter daily, right?
Cersei – “Yeah, I wasn’t his biggest fan either.”
I would have never noticed if she didn’t point it out.
Tywin – “Want to guess how much gold we mined from our land last year? Come on guess.”
I believe Tywin is trying to play a game here, Cersei is not amused.
Cersei – “I’m not sure dad, a ton of ounces?”
Tywin – “Wrong. It’s nothing, our last working mine went dry 3 years ago.”
This wasn’t in the books, but it kind of makes sense. Still it’s, um, stretching things a bit.
Cersei – “How do we pay for anything?”
How did Tywin keep this a secret too? Instead of singing “heigh ho heigh ho it’s off to work we go” all day did Tywin command people to sing the Rains of Castamere all day? Tywin’s master plan is to have his children marry the Tyrells and take down that great family with their crippling debt to the Iron Bank.
Cersei – “Also did I mention I’m you best child right now? Please vote for me during Tyrion’s trial. I love you, family first!”

Family dinners, they’re just not the same when your family isn’t there and you’re stuck with your crazy aunt instead. Sansa is surprised that Lysa knows she likes lemon cakes, everyone knows Sansa, she shouldn’t be surprised. Lysa tells Sansa how fat her mom was because of all the sweets she used to eat. Nothing like a nice story about your dead mom to forget that she was recently murdered at a wedding feast. Lysa continues on how Catelyn got so fat that their father was forced to withhold her from eating to make her desirable for arranged marriage proposals. Did it really matter how fat/ugly Catelyn was? She had one of the highest birth rights in Westeros…I mean damn, even Walder Frey was able to get rid of his fat daughter no problem, use your imagination Hoster Tully. Yes I know Lysa is full of shit, but I like to use my imagination. Lysa not so subtly tries to fatten Sansa up. She goes on to “subtly” berate Catelyn further by saying she only got her power through marriage even though she currently has all her power through marriage. The game mercy is where one tries to squeeze the opponent’s hands until they cry out and say mercy. Well that’s exactly what plays out right here.
Screen shot 2014-05-11 at 3.40.22 PM Lysa – “Littlefinger seems to really like you, I mean he saved you and even brought you lemon cakes? Why doesn’t he love meeeee?!”
Sansa – “Maybe Littlefinger liked girls with a little more junk in the trunk? Or just girls that look like my mom…”
I’ll tell you right now Lysa, it’s partly because Sansa looks like a young Catelyn and mainly because she isn’t you.

Screen shot 2014-05-11 at 3.41.02 PMAwwwwwwwwww! Oh my lord of light, kill her with fire!!

Sansa – “You’re hurting me!”
Squeezing intensifies
Sansa, you have to say mercy to get out of her death grip! I think this is where Sansa realizes that she should never trust anyone, even her own “family.” She’s still in a shitty situation and Littlefinger may be her best friend here. But he told her not to trust him! Hopefully he doesn’t pull a Ned Stark on her. Sansa uses her tricks developed and honed during her stay in King’s Landing to get out of this horrible game of mercy. It’s always easy to identify the good liars, they always tell you they’re bad liars. Lysa assures her that everything will be alright because her husband Tyrion, the only honest and kind person that’s still in her life, will be dead soon and she’ll be free to marry Robin.

Arya – “You know that list of names I repeat every night before I go to sleep? Well it’s a list of the people I’ll kill, and you’re on it travel buddy!”
Maybe if the Hound wasn’t such a dick last time she wouldn’t have put him on her list.
The Hound – “As long as you kill the Mountain before me…now shut up so I can get some sleep”

The first thing the Hound does when he wakes up and notices Arya missing is look behind him. You got him on the ropes Arya! The Hound finds Arya by the water, water dancing. The greatest swordsman who ever lived was killed by Meryn Trant? Good point Sandor, there’s no way that the greatest swordsman in the world could have been killed by Meryn Trant, meaning that either Syrio was lying, or much more likely, Syrio is still alive! I know you say no to the god of death, but that doesn’t mean you should say no to using some good weapons! A wooden sword! Really?! Until I see Syrio’s body, he’s still alive in my book. The Hound mocks Arya and gives her a free shot, so logically she stabs him right in his armor… Seriously Arya, maybe aim for his big stupid head next time, heck even his leg would have been better.

Screen shot 2014-05-11 at 5.04.35 PMStarks never learn…

I can’t even begin to imagine how awesome the poem Oberyn is writing, so I don’t blame the director for not including it in this episode, some things are better left to the imagination. I was surprised they decided to keep all of Oberyn’s children, aka the Sand Snakes, in the series when they condensed Davos’s 7 sons into just that one creepy son, and he’s dead already. For show watchers, the Sand Snakes are all of Oberyn’s bastard daughters, he has no sons. They’re called snakes because they’re as cunning as him, the Viper. Ellaria Sand is the mother to his youngest daughters, but the older half are daughters to random women across Westeros. I was surprised with how civil Cersei was in this episode, until I realized she was sucking up to all the judges. I don’t think Oberyn fell for it, but then again I fell for it my first viewing. I would not have lasted long in Westeros.

cartmenJust Cersei and Oberyn talking in the gardens…

Pod can’t ride a horse, but those horses were going at human pace anyway, so he could have just walked. Looks like Brienne finally found someone just as stubborn as her though. She wants to go to the wall because Sansa’s brother is at the wall, Jon!, and that’s where she would go if she were Sansa. Maybe she’ll find Bran! I think Brienne’s logic is sound even if she’s wrong. Brienne releases Pod from his oath, but her swords name is Oathkeeper! That’s like not allowed. Of course Pod is going to stay with her, he’s keeping his oath. He’s the rightful owner of Oathkeeper.

Pod – “I have good news and bad news. The good news is I caught a rabbit we can eat, the bad news is I tried to cook it like this.”
rabbitPodrick may not know how to ride a horse or cook, but he does know how to slay.
So far one could say that Brienne’s impression of Podrick is not too high.
Brienne – “What would you say you actually do around here?”
Podrick – “Mostly I poured wine…I also saved Tyrion’s life and killed a member of the King’s Guard.”

That certainly got Brienne’s respect, enough for her to ask Pod to remove her armor straps at least, but honestly there hasn’t been anyone too impressive in the King’s Guard since Robert’s Rebellion. Barriston the Bold isn’t part of it anymore and Jamie lost his strong hand. Side note, Jamie and Davos would have the most boring rock-paper-scissor matches. Nobody is shaking in their boots from Meryn Trant, except Syrio, and Boros Blount invokes more fear in cooks than fighters. Just saying that killing someone from the King’s Guard isn’t that impressive anymore.

So the scene starts with Rast treating one of Craster’s leftover wives/daughters like garbage and taking her out to the woods to rape her? Not sure why he’d bring her out to the cold forest when Karl let’s people have sex wherever they want, but okay then. Maybe he was too scared to feed Ghost alone? It does make it easier for Locke to sneak in and not steal Bran. Screen shot 2014-05-11 at 5.35.41 PMLocke advances deeper into Craster’s Keep and manages to hide behind a shed just as some random Night’s Watch mutineer tells no one in particular to “keep quite.” Well I guess the cinematography is cute. Locke hits a squeaky lamp anyway, way to ignore that guy’s non related advice!, and still manages to successfully sneak past everyone, find Bran’s exact location, and sneak out undetected. Apparently these are the same mutineers that were able to capture 2 dire wolves and surround Bran/Meera/Jojen/Hodor easily. Bran notices Locke’s footprints, which is clever of him, but the director wasn’t clever enough to include footprints leaving. So I guess Locke just ghosted back to Jon and the rest of the Scooby gang. Jojen cryptically informs Bran that they should be at the base of a giant weirwood tree. It’s a trap Jojen! That’s just what heaven looks like for people who believe in the old gods, keep Bran away from the light! At least Jojen understands he’s a side character in this story. Honestly I think Jojen seeing his hand on fire is more of a relation to his fever symptoms than a vision, but okay. I’m sure Melisandre would just love to have conversations with this pyromaniac sight-seeing kid.

Screen shot 2014-05-11 at 5.43.41 PM

Locke informs Jon and the rest of the gang that there are 11 men at the Crasters and most of them are drunk. Seriously how did these guys catch 2 dire wolves? It seems like Grenn knows just how legendary Karl is and notes his impressive knife skills.
Locke retorts – “Yeah, but have you seen what I can do with a knife?”
No, but Jamie Lannister has.
Locke advises them to stay away from the hut with the “hounds” in them. But that’s where Ghost and Summer were! Do you know how much these dire wolves would have helped Jon?! A lot! A whole lot. This is why you send 2 scouts, so you don’t get shitty advice like this. I mean why send Locke, a guy you’ve known for a couple of hours, alone to scout the place while the rest of you guys…rested? Jon isn’t fit to be the leader. They decide to move at sundown and take these drunk fools unawares, finally a good decision.

Karl decides to rape Meera at sundown, what awful timing! He could have raped her no problem throughout the day, thankfully he was too busy being a fooking legend to bother. So Karl gets two of his lackeys to prop Meera up for rape, Bran’s protesting and Hodor’s hodoring doesn’t seem to deter him. Jojen stops Karl from raping his sister though, by offering to help him with his sight talent. This somehow works.

Screen shot 2014-05-11 at 6.00.59 PMMeera is a pair of glasses away from being the next Harry Potter.

And then the Night’s Watch roars into action. Literally. There goes the element of surprise, wasn’t that the whole point of attacking these guys at sundown?! Maybe one of the drunk mutineers spotted Jon and the gang, during a new moon and with poor lighting, and alerted the others, even though the Nights Watch is dressed perfectly for sneak attacks. I think it’s more likely that Jon’s just an idiot. Locke captures Bran, he’s even nice to Bran to gain his trust, but somehow they figure out he’s evil. Not sure how they got to that conclusion, but good for them. Jojen gives Bran the look, and Bran takes that as the signal to warg into Hodor and kick ass. Why didn’t they do this before?! Bran wargs into Hodor and escapes in Hodor’s body and it only takes 2 seconds, why didn’t they do this before? 5 seconds later Hodobran runs outside and strangles Locke to death. I know Hodor is big and all, but Locke decided to unarm himself on that escape? He deserved to die. Also Bran exacts vengeance for Jamie’s hand against Locke even though that’s the hand that pushed him out the window and crippled him…justice? I think I’m more shocked about Bran killing someone than Bran is himself. Bran pretty much just murdered a guy bare handed and had no remorse for it. I know Arya is already at this level, but I thought Bran was more innocent than that… So it looks like Sansa is the only Stark child left without a kill, even though I guess she’s suspected of one. Robb and Jon have killed many people, Arya has killed a few, and you just know Rickon has murdered someone. Or at least his dog does. Meanwhile poor Hodor was mortified, and Bran is yelling at him to hurry up and untie him, not that untying him would do anything! Hodor’s the one that’s going to have to save Jojen and Meera and actually do all the work.

Bran – “Yeah I may have just hijacked your body and murdered a guy with it, but hurry up and untie me! Sheesh, stop being so god damn sensitive.”

Bran may not be able to feel his legs anymore, but it looks like his heart has gone numb as well. Jojen convinces Bran that meeting with Jon now would be a bad idea because they’ve already strove too far from the books and this would just be overkill. Bran chooses to listen to Jojen because he wants to see this 3 eyed raven, a thing that he’s only ever “met” in his dreams, instead of meeting his brother again. With Starks dropping off like flies you think Bran would take a chance to say hi. Maybe they’ll meet again… Not a smart choice by Bran.

I feels like the Night’s Watch members killed well over 11 mutineers by now, they’re only fighting 10 if you realize that Karl wasn’t even fighting out there. Everyone in the Nights Watch should have been able to help Jon take down Karl. All I’m asking for is one back up archer. Instead we get a 1 vs 1 battle. Good thing Karl didn’t use Bran as a hostage during the one time having Bran as a hostage could have actually worked! Seriously, this was the only reason they kept Bran alive, and they didn’t even attempt to use him as a hostage. Karl has more impressive knife skills than a hibachi chef. Jon starts fighting Karl, but doesn’t take his own advice to disarm his opponent. Also shouldn’t his valyrian steel blade, Longclaw, give Jon a much better advantage than 2 shitty knives? And don’t tell me it’s because they were fighting in close quarters! Jon had plenty of room to swing his blade around. I know the show is forcing the whole “if you fight with honor you’re going to die” route, but I don’t think having someone stab your enemy in the back and then while he’s distracted stab him through the back of the head is too honorable either.
Screen shot 2014-05-11 at 6.46.07 PM
So they lost 5 men taking on 11 drunk mutineers on that surprise attack…they have no chance against the wildlings. A good captain should have only lost only 1 member, Locke. It’s weird how these guys are always going to remember how cool and funny of a guy Locke was and never realize that he was a traitor. Ghost eats Rast, I mean he was in charge of feeding Ghost, but he didn’t have to take his job so literally. Why were they keeping him alive again? For plot reasons! And that takes care of all the mutineers. There are no blood marks on Ghost when he returns because there wasn’t enough money in the CGI budget for blood apparently.  They decide to burn down Craster’s keep and call it a day. End of episode.

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