I’ve read the books, but I won’t spoil anything by bringing up anything new for show watchers, but I will make references to the book. There will be spoilers for this episode though, duh.
The episode starts with a close up of Stannis not smiling. Some things never change. Stannis and Davos sail under the Titan of Braavos, which is attached to a bigger statue of a human warrior… The Titan of Braavos is actually the statue’s penis…moving on. They also only seem to have one ship. Stannis and Davos meeting with the Iron Bank of Braavos in Braavos wasn’t in the books, so it’s okay to be confused. Stannis does eventually meet with Tycho Nestoris, but it’s much later in the series and Iron Bank is the one actively seeking out Stannis and not the other way around. This just seems out of character for the bank because in the show they essentially have no plan for Tywin not paying them. So if Stannis didn’t come was their plan to beg Dany to cross the Narrow Sea?
Was anybody else disappointed that the Iron Bank wasn’t made of iron? Davos and Salladhor Saan were going to run 3 shiploads of the finest…?before Stannis and the fun police kill the story. Add this story to the list with Tyrion’s confession in the Eyrie where he brought a jackass and a honeycomb into a brothel. I know Stannis looks disappointed, but he’s disappointed in everything. Tycho Nestoris prefers numbers to words because they’re more plain. Okay Nerd. I know nobody likes Stannis, but he seems a hell of a lot more helpful than Tywin at this point. It’s probably why they go look for Stannis in the books instead of having Stannis crawl to the bank with a tail between his legs here. Tycho inquires about the number a ships they still have afloat, well I’m pretty sure I only saw one ship…They also apparently have no food on Dragonstone anymore, not even onions! Stannis better get that book soup ready or those houses Davos recently recruited need to help Stannis raid a pantry again. Not so funny now, is it Stannis?
Tycho Nestoris – “You can see why these numbers are unlikely to add up to a happy ending.”
More math puns!
Stannis just looks at Davos like it’s all his fault. Don’t worry bro, the Onion Knight got this. Also, Davos seems like a pretty famous smuggler to me if everyone knows he was one…maybe it’s only after he started working for Stannis, but he seems more recognizable than the Hound somehow.
Davos – “Hey guess what Jerko Noseris, after that Tywin Lannister fellow, who’s getting up there in age at 67, the rest of those Lannisters all stink.”
A Lannister always pay their debts is currently under official review by the Iron Bank. Actually the Queen of Thornes is the only real brains of the Tyrells too, and she’s like a 108, which is even more impressive considering the average lifespan in Westeros. Davos also doesn’t mention Tyrion when he points out how weak the Lannisters are without Tywin, but seeing as he’s currently on trial for a murder he didn’t commit and wouldn’t be given the opportunity to rule because Cersei would screw that up, it’s probably has more to do with that than any personal flaws.
Davos – “Stannis is in his prime and the best man to win this war. He’ll pay this Iron Bank back because when he says he’ll do something he’ll do it.”
Stannis is in his prime? Debatable. He then points at Stannis, with his good fingers, and shows his bad fingers to prove that Stannis always carries out his word. Stannis always pays his debts. This is how a hand (oh wait…) should handle matters. The fact that the Iron Bank supplies Stannis’s bankroll is something that the show tackles much earlier in the books and I’m interested in seeing how it will affect other aspects of the show.
Salladhor Saan tells a pirate jokes about a pirate shitting his pants, hence why he called for his brown pants instead of his red shirt that usually hides his wounds, but those whores ruined the punchline. They aren’t funny whores like Shae. Between cutting away from Saan every few seconds, to tits being on screen, and Saan’s accent, I had a hard time understanding this joke. Davos claims that this is the most popular pirate joke, but I can think of some better ones.
Lost my hand and leg in battle. Why do I wear an eyepatch you ask? Well that was me first day with the hook.
What’s a pirates favorite letter in the alphabet? Arrrrrr. Or C.
Okay maybe not better jokes, but jokes. Saan heard that Daavos was rotting in a dungeon on Dragon Stone. Is this Saan’s favorite brothel or is this just the most convenient meeting ever? I guess the Thrones crew is adamant about only including Saan in 1 episode per season. Davos left a chest of the good stuff with Saan’s wife…Saan did not seem like the type of person to have a wife. Just saying.
Saan – “You’re not my friend my friend.”
It also doesn’t help that Davos sunk most of his ships on the Blackwater either.
Yara reading Ramsay’s letter – “I give you until the full moon to order all Ironborn scum out of the north and back to those shit stained rocks you call home.”
I guess she decided to take a couple full moons before she set sail for this rescue mission. There weren’t enough rivers through the North so Yara had to go all the way around Westeros to get to the Dreadfort. I can’t exactly say that Ramsay is wrong about those shit stained rocks better known as the Iron Islands, that place sucks.
“If you don’t I’m gonna flay everyone alive, just like I skinned those Ironborn at Winterfell.”
Well I’m convinced, let’s get the fuck out of here guys.
“In the box you’ll find a special gift,
Theon’s dick his favorite toy. He cried when I took it.”
Do you really blame him for crying? What did they end up doing with the box anyway…
“Leave the north now or I’ll send more boxes with more Theon.”
If they wait long enough maybe Ramsay will just ship Theon back…this strategy could end up being more effective than this one.
When Ramsay sends the letter to the Greyjoys, Balon Greyjoy pretty much doesn’t care, what a terrible father. And
Asha Yara doesn’t care enough to go rescue him. So this scene wasn’t in the books, and may actually be one of the worst scenes in the entire series. She’s giving this day long week long multiple moonturn long speech about her brother and she basically gives up 5 minutes into the rescue…
“As long as they can hurt your prince with imputiny the word Ironborn means nothing.”
So Ironborn means nothing.
So this guard on a castle wall hears and sees a grappling hook, and then proceeds to meander over to inspect it, only to get an axe to the head. And MY AXE, ouch. So a grappling hook didn’t raise any red flags for this castle guard? That’s like the one thing he should be watching for, he deserved to die. Shortly after this exchange a backup guard or just some guy comes up the stairs and an Ironborn proceeds to stab this new guy in the throat. Not sure why he came up when there was no alarm, but okay. He’s followed up by another person, whom Yara reprimands and starts interrogating. Good thing there were 2 back up guards/random dudes that came and didn’t sound the alarm and didn’t bring any weapons and didn’t wear any armor, for Yara to interrogate one of them. A surprisingly strong start for the Ironborn, but this is where it all goes downhill, or waterfall?, for them.
It was a hard days night for Theon and he’s sleeping like a dog. In the background it sounds like someone managed to sound the alarm. I honestly can’t explain how, but if I were the Boltons I would be warry of any surprise weddings because that could be what the bells are ringing for. Yara has limited time to rescue her brother and proceeds to break the lock with her axe pretty easily, why do people even use keys in this world?
Theon Reek either doesn’t recognize his sister or , and I think this is the point of the scene, is too broken to trust anyone outside of Ramsay. Still it’s his sister, come on, is he blind? Yara spends precious time trying to calm down her deranged and broken brother instead of knocking him out and just taking him home. Apparently Yara and her Greyjoy soldiers aren’t strong enough to forcibly take a starved cripple out of his cage…also maybe kill some of those damn hounds barking in the cages? They’re pretty loud and giving away your location.
They showed us a pretty standard sex scene of Ramsay a little earlier, so did that sex scene escalate into some sort of whipping BDSM or did he go through a broken glass factory on his way down here. Just a whole lot of unexplained scratches that we’re just supposed to accept because…he’s crazy? Okay, if we’ve learned anything watching Game of Thrones it’s that armor beats talent every time – Jorah vs that dothraki guy, Syrio vs Merlyn Trant, the Hound vs Arya – armor wins every time. Then in this skirmish they don’t kill armorless Ramsay because…there’s no good reason! None! This wasn’t in the books for a reason and the show writers are usually better than this. So is this the best the Ironborn have to offer? Looks like Ramsay suffered more wounds from a mysterious sex injury than during an actual battle with freaking fully equipped pirates. Yara was fighting with her brother the whole time instead of fighting the Boltons, seriously why wasn’t knocking him out an option? Reek bites the hand that feeds him and retreats to his cage like the loyal dog he is. The result of the skirmish ends with the opposing teams switching sides, what is this halftime? Yara is holding a throwing axe, which she used pretty successfully just last scene, but doesn’t use it on Ramsey. She then demands Ramsay to give her brother back and that no more of his men will die if he does. Just throw the axe! It’s okay if you miss, just try! Wasn’t this a rescue/revenge mission? Neither was accomplished. Ramsay threatens to set the hounds on Yara, “how fast can you run?” and fumbles with the lock to the cages instead of just using an axe like Yara did to open it.
They actually run
So I guess they run prettay fast. Yara claims that her brother is dead and they make their way to a, of course, escape boat. So not only does she give up on her brother after clearly not giving up on him 5 seconds earlier, but the hounds are nowhere in sight. I don’t think Ramsay released the hounds at all.. This entire sequence wasn’t in the books and this was the stupidest thing I have witnessed on the show and maybe all of TV. I don’t watch the Walking Dead though, so that may be why. I know the writers wanted to show how broken Theon has become, but this just makes the Ironborn looks like idiots. I mean they are, but even more so now. This was just a waste of time.
Ramsay sets up a bath for Reek as a reward for remaining loyal. Good, that Reek sure does reek! He removes his clothes and it’s revealed that he’s covered with scars and cuts, looks like he and Ramsay were having a lot of sex to receive all those wounds! (oh wait…) Ramsay is marveling at his work and just stares at Theon’s former favorite toy play area…okay then. Theon also seems more surprised at touching the water in the bath than Helen Keller touching water. Ramsay grabs a sponge and starts to move towards Reek, OMG what is he going to do with that sponge!!! This is Ramsay and the music wasn’t helping…but he actually cleans him.
Ramsay – “Do you love me Reek?”
I need you to get me
Sansa Stark a castle to prove how much you love me.
He wants Theon to pretend to be Theon…inceptheon. Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
The life of a goat farmer is pretty much exactly how I thought it would be. Suddenly dragon. I wonder what that big flying black scaly thing could be?! If I were that little girl, I would have been running a whole lot faster instead of just staring at this dragon fly up to my favorite rock throwing spot. At least the dragon didn’t eat the goat farmer’s kid. Hehehe. Kid. Because baby goats are kids…The dragon uses flamethrower, snatches a goat, and flies away.
I’ll even credit the dragon with 2 goat kills from the fire, but it really does only look like one if you look at that picture. Apparently this guy is claiming his entire herd is killed by that dragon. Did the dragon come back for seconds? I’m calling BS on this Dany, this is clearly goat insurance fraud. The jerk even claims that he has nothing left, at least your daughter is still alive. Yeah those bones look burnt, but they don’t look chewed on, I’m pretty sure that guy ate the goat. I have a hard time believing he ran after the dragon that flew miles away just to get the bones. Looks like the dragon didn’t eat the bones! She gives him 3 times the amount of goats he lost? Where is she getting these replacement goats from? The goat store?
Hizdahr zo Loraq is the next person to see her. Daenerys couldn’t speak the language a few seconds ago or maybe she just likes people translating for her, but she can understand what he’s saying. Is it just that the highborn people speak a different language than the common folk or maybe Daenerys is just a secret dick. She tells Hizdahr zo Loraq that he can speak to her himself, but it’s not like Daenerys had Missendei talk for her with the last guy, double standards much?! He then starts speaking in the common tongue because screw language logic.
Hizdahr zo Loraq – “Remember when you killed all those slave masters? Yeah well my father was actually a pretty cool guy.”
He prays that she never has to see one of her family members killed so cruelly, little does he know that she watched her brother die from molten gold, and didn’t flinch, and smothered her former husband. She’s seen it all and is okay. She claims that her treatment of the masters was no crime and that he’d be wise to remember that. Yeah it’s no crime when she’s the law and the executioner. I mean she punished them by doing what they did wrong…shouldn’t she crucify herself then?
Hizdahr zo Loraq – “Just give me my fathers bones, you don’t want disease right? Cause this is how you get diseases.”
Daenerys buried the slave children, but is reluctant to let this guy do the same for his father.This scene wasn’t really in the books either. Well the goat herder guy was, but Hizdahr zo Loraq wasn’t introduced this early. I don’t remember though because Dany’s chapters are horrible. Not a strong start to the episode so far.
I have a feeling that King Robert and Oberyn would have been best friends. They probably would have participated in a few orgies together too. If only Oberyn tried getting justice for his sister a little earlier instead of waiting for 16 years. He may have chose the most inopportune moment to come to King’s Landing for justice. Oberyn was up late last night…writing poems for his daughters… while in an orgy. He’s a multitasker.
Obern – “Does this mean I am a master of something now? Coins…ships…?”
Master of sex. Please.
Mace – “Um Tywin told me that I was master of ships. Tywin said I could…um, you can’t have it cause Tywin said I could have it.”
Yeah this guy could not be any more pathetic.
Tywin enters the room and everyone stands, except Oberyn because he’s too tired from all that poetry writing. Mace starts to thank Tywin for a seat on the council and Tywin doesn’t even pause. I was wrong, he could be more pathetic. Vary’s heard the Hound muttered fuck the king…damn does this guy have an unlimited supply of little birds? Mace almost has a heart attack after hearing what the Hound says through Varys. He’s almost too cringey to watch.
Varys – “10 silver stags seems a generous bounty.”
Tywin – “Make it a 100.”
I guess when your mines went barren you just started making up fake sums and dared people to question you. I thought that Dany’s was a little excessive, but that’s 10 times the amount necessary! You’re broke Tywin! Cersei isn’t worried about 3 baby dragons, but yeah, she should be afraid of dragons, unless she’s a goat insurance salesman or goat shop owner.
Pycelle – “Mormont is still spying on her for us right?
And what’s Barristan doing all the way over there? Isn’t he guarding King Robert?
Cersei – “Barristan is an old man, he wasn’t fit to protect my son.”
He’s no stud like one-handed Jamie or Boros “Fatass” Blount or Meryn Trant.
Tywin – “Joffrey didn’t die on his watch.”
Damn Tywin, you cold.
Tywin – “Dismissing him was as insulting as it was stupid.”
Oberyn – “I have seen the Unsullied first hand, very impressive on the battlefield, less so in the bedroom.”
He’s up there with Bron for best lines. Just great.
Tywin – “Dragons haven’t won a war in 300 years, armies win wars.”
Dragons haven’t won wars in 300 years because they were all dead. Before that, they won every war! Including the one that put the Targaryens on the throne for hundreds of years.
Tywin tells Mace to get him a pen and paper. Mace is the new bottom of the totem pole, Pycelle finally has someone more pathetic than him.
Oberyn interrupts Vary’s daily viewing of the throne time. Vary’s isn’t a lord and no one is under obligation to call him lord, yet everyone does. Which is pretty cool. So far this episode has been all non book segments, but any scene with Oberyn is welcome. More please. Oberyn spent 5 years in Essos because he’s a badass. That’s literally what he says. Oberyn can tell that Varys is from Essos because he has an ear for accents and an ear for people who have lost their accents. Okay then, if it’s him I believe it. Varys says he’ll only tell people he’ll trust how he got to Westeros. Looks like he hasn’t told anyone yet.
Oberyn – “Wait, you’re not gay?”
OMG Oberyn, you can’t just ask someone if they’re gay!
Oberyn was hitting on Varys, he also hit on the Unsullied, so I guess he’ll sleep with anyone or anything. Reek still has a chance! Vary’s claims that he has no lust, something that Oberyn can’t even comprehend (how can you resist boobies and cocks?) and that he has no desires. Without desire he’s free to pursue the Iron Throne, which I guess doesn’t count as a desire. Besides desiring for the Iron Throne, he’s desire free. Littlefinger could never figure out Varys because he never knew what he wanted. Those two chess masters seem like total opposites.
Jamie gets some great facial expressions this episode. Sorry bro. Good thing they put Tyrion in chains, otherwise he might be able to hold on to some dignity. Tyrion and Jamie walk through the, uh, audience. What is this, Judge Judy? Someone yells kingslayer and both Lannister boys turn around. Tommen, sorry uncle. Leaves
Tywin – “Did you kill the king.”
Tyrion – “No.”
Oberyn – “Well that’s a relief.”
This was the exchange in the book…wish it made it in here.
Tywin – “You would blame the bakers?”
Tyrion – “Or the pigeons, just leave me out of it.”
Seriously, why is no one considering the pigeons?
On with this run away trial, Meyrn Trant regales us with how Joffrey got slapped. Which still sounds good out of context, but everyone in the audience is an idiot so they act surprised. Tyrion isn’t allowed to cross-examine this person or any other witnesses. If he didn’t have a chance before, well, he has no chance now. Do any of the white cloaks wear white cloaks anymore? Looks gold to me.
Here’s a line from the books that I missed in the show.
Cersei – “Father, I beg you to put him in fetters, for your own protection. You see how he is.”
Oberyn – “I see he’s a dwarf. The day I fear a dwarf’s wrath is the day I drown myself in a cask of red.”
Pycelle is listing off poisons – demons dance, blind eye, poison – are sure these aren’t just band names? – basilisk venom, wolfsbane – what is this? A list of supplies for your 6th year potions class? He can barely read what he wrote down and I know he’s over playing this old man gambit, but damn it’s so annoying. Somehow Pycelle can accuse Tyrion of stealing these “poisons” with no proof. Pycelle literally pulls poison up his sleeve. Do they teach magicians at the Citadel? Sansa’s necklace was found on the dead body of Dontos and the necklace had traces of the most rare poison on the world in it. Explain to me again why you needed to list off all your poisons that were “stolen” by Tyrion if you had the murder weapon right up your sleeve? Also explain to me how Dontos can’t be accused of this murder when he’s much more suspicious than Tyrion. Yeah we found this guy with poison who was acting suspicious, meaning Tyrion probably pulled an imperio charm on Dontos to kill Joffrey. Also why was that necklace even tested for poison? You find a dead body with a arrow in him and a necklace and the first thought was, hey maybe this is a poison necklace that killed the king. I mean yeah, we know that as the audience, but wouldn’t you just assume that Dontos got killed over stealing a necklace? How did they even test that necklace for poison? Did they use a centrifuge? They probably made some sap eat it, and if he died then it was poison. What jerks.
“And used to strike down the most noble child the Gods ever put on this good earth.”
So we’re just going to forget how much of a cunt Joffrey was? Okay then.
Cersei says Tyrion’s badass line from season 2, but in a much less badass way.
Oberyn – “Tyrion said, and you will know that the debt has been paid, what debt?”
He got you there Cersei!
Cersei – “He was keeping whores in the tower of the hand and I told him to stop.”
Oberyn – “Wait you can’t have whores in here?”
Leaves to go hide his whores.
Cersei – “Joffrey insisted on remaining on the battlements.”
You can trust her when she says this because she was in the throne room planning on killing Tommen when the battle was happening.
Vary’s notes that Tyrion didn’t seem gladdened by the news of Robb Stark’s murder under guest right at his uncle’s wedding. What an abnormal reaction right? Tyrion is granted to ask the witness one question, this doesn’t count as cross-examining!
Tyrion – “Remember when we were friends? Have you forgotten Lord Varys?”
But he’s not a lord!
Lord Varys – “Sadly my lord, I never forget a thing.”
We’re looking for a yes or no here Varys, stop speaking in such an ambiguous manner.
In the books this trial last for days, with literally hundreds of people in King’s Landing all coming to testify against Tyrion. Meaning that this trial in the books is actually a bigger farce. I think the show does a great job making the trial quicker. Tywin calls a half time for the trial because he has to go shit gold. Since Tyrion is still chained to the pedestal, I’m pretty sure he just gets left there. Harsh.
Jamie confronts his father about this farce.
Jamie – “You always hated Tyrion.”
Yuuup. But I don’t think he liked any of his children too much.
Tywin – “He killed his king.”
That didn’t make you like him?
Jamie – “So did I. You know the Mad King told me to kill you, and once I get an order I always see it the job through.” *slashes Tywin’s throat. If only Jamie was a little more bad than good and ugly. *sigh
He saved Tywin’s life from the Mad King so he could murder his brother? Harsh dad, even for him. Tywin – “If Tyrion is found guilty he will be punished accordingly.”
Tywin *wink, heavily implies he’ll be killed. Jamie reminds Tywin about that family talk.
Jamie – “Remember how you mentioned a dynasty that would last a thousand years?”
At least Jamie is pronouncing dynasty correctly, come on Viserys. And solid point.
Jamie – “What happens to your dynasty when Tyrion dies? Who carries on your name? I’m a kingsguard, I can’t father children.”
No he sucks.
“Others whose name I don’t even remember.”
I don’t remember them either….actually I don’t think they have enough budget for those characters. Clever play HBO.
“If you spare Tyrion I will quit the kingsguard and go live a much better life at Casterly Rock and have sex with women that don’t share my DNA.
Poor Jamie, the one truly suffering here.
Tywin – “Done.”
Tywin – “I’ll send Tyrion to go to the Night’s Watch if he pleads for mercy. You will go back and father children named Lannister.”
He knows! For a guy that preaches family, I don’t think he’s very good at showing it. That’s about as close as we’re going to get to seeing Tywin Lannister smile/be proud of his son.
This interaction didn’t happen in the books, but unlike that Yara + Ramsay nonsense, this may be one of the best show additions we get. This is what we want show writers, scenes that enhance the characters without POV chapters, not scenes just for the sake of giving a character screen time. Jamie offering to sacrifice his happiness for the life of his brother has a much deeper impact than what was written in the books where Kevan Lannister, where is this guy anyway?, tells Tyrion that his father plans to spare him if he confesses. Wonderfully done.
Back to Court Room
I really don’t think Tyrion was allowed to leave…he just sat there the whole time in an empty courtroom. Jamie tells Tyrion to plead for mercy and that he made a deal where he’ll be sent to the wall. Tyrion points out that Ned Stark was promised the same thing, and he’s dead. Father is not Joffrey…but Tywin did wipe out an entire family for pissing him off, I’m barely exaggerating.
Jamie – “Do you trust me?”
Tyrion – (Of course bro, you’re probably the only person I can trust.) nods
So much brotherly love…my feels.
Tyrion realizes that his brother made an agreement with their father to save his life. He’ll probably listen to his brother, but then, who could have predicted, Shae entering and betraying Tyrion? I mean I hope no one was too surprised that this wasn’t the last we saw of her.
Tywin – “State your name.”
Shae – “I’m Shae, the funny whore.”
Shae lies and tells everyone that Tyrion is guilty of everything that Cersei dreams him to be. The only question is why? I know why in the books…but show Shae is a different character. Come on Bronn, I thought you got her on that boat. I can at least tell you that Bronn didn’t betray Tyrion. Tyrion is floored by what Shae is doing to him. Shae tells everyone that he hated Joffrey, the Queen, and Tywin. This shouldn’t really come as a surprise, but the audience is surprised…
Oberyn – “How could you possibly know all this, why would he reveal such plans to his wife’s maid?”
Asking the real good questions here.
Shae – “I was his whore.”
Mace – “I beg your pardon, you said you were his?”
Asking the real stupid questions here.
Shae tells them how she met Tyrion, and everyone laughs. This isn’t a romantic comedy guys! And how was that funny?
Oberyn – “And did you fuck him like it was his last night in this world?”
Asking questions that matter.
Shae – “I did everything he wanted.”
Oberyn – “So yes then. Also please see me after this trial is over so we can go over the details.”
Shae then goes a little overboard on this confession, and at this point it looks like she’s just doing this to hurt him. But it was all a big misunderstanding Shae! Why didn’t Tyrion didn’t just tell her the truth! Cersei is like, aw yeah. Peter Dinklage then proceeds to kick this scenes ass. He should have let Stannis kill them all and I agree with him. Why is this audience here again? For their gasping?
Jamie – (Please don’t fuck this up Tyrion. Please.)
Tyrion – “Watching your vicious bastard…” spoilers dude! That audience hasn’t read the 1st book yet… “die gave me more pleasure than fucking a thousand whores.”
Oberyn is like, damn, I should’ve killed Joffrey.
Trial by combat Round 2!
Jamie – (all you had to was keep your mouth shut…)