I’ve read the books, but I won’t spoil anything by bringing up anything new for show watchers, but I will make references to the book. There will be spoilers for this episode though, duh. No show this week means I’ve finally caught up!
Jaime – “All you had to do was keep your mouth shut.”
Jaime’s indignation is justified.
Why would Tyrion want the opportunity to live and die at the Wall for a crime he didn’t commit? He’s not even a ninth born son! And here I thought Tyrion enjoyed pissing off the top of the wall, it wouldn’t be that bad to be a brother there.
Jaime – “You fell in love with a whore…I thought you learned your lesson the 1st time.”
Tywin would, uh, win. Jaime would become the future lord of the Rock and Tyrion would get banished to the wall. Tywin wins again! He knows that Tyrion is innocent yet he’s willing to sacrifice him anyway, not that this should surprise him or any Lannister or any person in Westeros or any person watching the show. Jaime is the golden (handed) son even though he killed a king, lost a hand, and fucked his sister…but at least he has those long legs. Jaime appreciates Tyrion’s brilliant speech and says they’ll be talking about it for days to come, maybe a little more if he gets killed. I’m sure they’ll bring it up again come Emmy time too. Jaime didn’t realize his brother would die for pride, but he’s wrong, Tyrion would die out of spite for their father.
Tyrion – “ I survived one trial by combat…even though you weren’t there to save me.”
Looks like Tyrion’s channeling his inner Cersei. Petty much?
Jaime – “I can’t save you this time either…”
(Bro, I only have one hand! And it’s my bad hand!)
Tyrion – “Where’s your sense of adventure, if you lose, father loses 2 sons!”
(Have I mentioned how much I hate our father?)
“Well I guess I could always ask Bronn to help me again…he saved me once, he can do it again.”
Jaime – “Sorry bro, but Cersei is naming the Mountain as her champion…”
If only there were someone out there that wanted to fight/kill the Mountain and has been talking about it for the entire season.
So glad we can tell how tall this guy is with this low angle shot, sarcasm. So the Mountain was just in King’s Landing this whole time? Just killing random prisoners in the streets… Who were those guys? They’re given weapons to fight the Mountain because its only fair for…prisoners? Did they also demand trial by combat? If we learned anything this season it’s that shirtless characters win every battle. This doesn’t seem like a very effective way to execute people, but I don’t think anyone is going to question the Mountain.
Cersei – “Welcome to the capital, thank you for riding here so quickly.”
Psssh. Okay, let’s just pretend he wasn’t here the whole time killing people.
Ser Mountain – “Who am I fighting?”
Cersei – “Does it matter?”
No, no it doesn’t.
I’ve heard some people ask why everyone doesn’t just ask for trial by combat all the time, the Mountain will never get locked up because he could just demand trial by combat right? It’s not like he’ll be losing to anyone soon. While a funny observation, this isn’t necessarily true. Trial by combat can only be allowed when you’re actually accused of something/going through a trial to prove your innocence. If you’re caught red-handed, you don’t get that option. In Season 1 Ned Stark sent men, now the Brotherhood without Banners…the guys with Thoros of Myr and Beric Dondarrion, to go out and bring the Mountain to justice, dead or alive. That didn’t end up working because Ned died and the new regime sort of liked the Mountain and turned a blind eye to his crazy killings/executions. Sometimes trial by combat can backfire depending on the judge. When Ned’s father and brother, Rickard Stark and Brandon Stark went down to King’s Landing for Lyanna’s kidnapping, which happened before the show started, they demanded trial by combat, resulting in the Mad King choosing fire as his champion. They lost. Also I’m pretty sure the common folk aren’t allowed trial by combat because they don’t really receive trials. Pyp was sent to the wall because a lord wanted him to pleasure him and Pyp refused. Pyp had the choice of either losing a hand or the wall, he couldn’t battle his way out of that scenario.
Arya – “You shouldn’t be sitting out here like this.”
Yeah Arya, great advice. Why don’t you tell him to magically recover too?
Old Man – “I tried to walk back to me hut…then I remembered they burned it down.”
They hit you on the head too buddy?
Dr. Hound – “That stab wound isn’t going to get better.”
Old Man – “Looks like I’m going to die soon, this sucks, I don’t even have a name.”
Hound – “Nothing can be worse than this.”
I think Ned Stark would disagree.
Old Man – “Maybe nothing isn’t worse than this.”
Arya – “Nothing isn’t better or worse than anything. Nothing is just nothing.”
Old Man – “OMG I’m dying. Spare me your freshmen philosophy bullshit.”
He asks who Arya is, probably no one he’s heard of seeing as he thinks the Hound was Ned Stark. Seriously how does no one recognize the Hound?
“Can I have a drink, dying is thirsty work.”
“Wish it were wine.”
The Hound – “So do I.”
He totally had wine later on. What a jerk! I mean if he takes silver from a family that fed him, what’s the point of giving a dying man wine.
The Hound proceeds to stab him in the heart, at least he didn’t stab him in his fatal stomach wound #overkill. That’s where the heart is, unless you’re the tin man or Tywin, that’s how you kill a man. Hey it looks like someone recognized the Hound! Who would have thought that the old Mike Tyson strategy wouldn’t work. At least go for the jugular Biter. Or at least heed the Hound’s advice and bite him in the heart…with your mouth…somehow. Good thing the Hound didn’t wear his signature Hound helm, that could have really helped against that bite attack. These assassins pause to explain why they’re attacking the Hound. How is this plan not working? Arya proceeds to walk up to this assassin and ask for his name, so she can cross it off her list instantly Kill Bill style.
Rorge – “What are you going to do? Stab me?”
Arya sort of just pokes him, barely getting the tip in there and it’s game over. Really tough fight guy! Seriously he just falls down. I understand you were expecting to fight the Hound, but no armor? At least take your shirt off, that seems to be working for others. Biter and Rorge last much longer in the books and were not killed by either the Hound or Arya. I guess they’ll just change that in the show later.
The Hound – “You’re learning.”
Sandor is a great teacher. Also I love how she wipes her sword off on the dead guy, just like the Hound did with his knife. So cute in a murdery way.
I think this is the first time we’ve seen the Hound in such casual clothing. The Hound also seems to be trying to stich his own neck wound. Pretty badass. Why not just pour some boiled wine on the wound seeing as that cures everything. Is he afraid of all hot things?! Arya suggest to burn the wound, but he is vehemently against it, it may or may not have to do with that burn scare on his face. It seems the Hound is blaming Arya for having this bounty on his head when he should really be blaming the tasty chickens he just had to eat. He’s pretty much saying that he won’t deliver Arya to her aunt because she’s too much of a bother. He’s also probably saving Arya from the clutches of her psycho aunt and Littlefinger. The Hound uses sympathy to earn Arya’s trust by telling her how his asshole brother burned his face like a juicy mutton-chop, I know George RR wrote that line. The Hound was playing with his brother’s toy, I can’t picture the Mountain having toys, but that’s all it took for him to burn his brother’s face.
The pain was bad, but the smell was worse, it didn’t smell like a mutton-chop, no matter how much George RR wanted it too. After this incident the Hound never trusted again and I really don’t blame him. His father didn’t even give the Mountain a time out. The lone wolf starts to bond with the burnt hound, she helps clean his bite wound with the wine he wouldn’t give to the dying old man. I’d still sleep with 1 eye open Sandor.
Allister sees Ghost and tells Jon that this place is no place for wild beasts. Yeah they don’t want a loyal dire wolf to get in the way of defending the wall. Jon informs everyone else in the Night’s Watch that the big attack will happen during the 9th episode. Jon suggests they should seal the tunnel because giants will rip out those 4 inch steel doors no problem. But how would they range north like they just needed to do? Maybe go through the other gates up at East Watch and Shadow Tower, which haven’t been mentioned in the show in a while. These are the other two castles, besides Castle Black, that are currently being manned by the Nights Watch and are located at opposite corners of the wall, with Castle Black located on the center. Allister dismisses Jon’s idea because he’s a steward and he hates Jon’s greasy hair. The 1st builder dismisses Jon’s idea as well because he doesn’t believe sealing the gate is a good idea, but doesn’t explain why. Maybe it’s just so Jon could say he I told you so later on. So he could finally brag about knowing something. Jon didn’t make this suggestion in the books, but I bet this won’t come back to bite them in the ass at all.
This Tyrion and Bronn scene is almost word for word from the books, so of course I loved it. I didn’t know dove skin could make gloves, I thought it could only make soap. Cersei bribed Bronn to not fight for Tyrion so she offered him a “castle” and Lollys Stokeworth, she’s pretty dimwitted. Bronn only gets the castle if her older sister dies and Bronn’s a pretty lucky dude. After this scene in the books we don’t get anymore spoken lines for Bronn, which is pretty sad. Hopefully the show decides to go in a different direction, but I wouldn’t be too hopeful. Here are some of my favorite lines.
Bronn – “If I wanted wits I’d marry you.”
“You once said if anyone asked me to sell you out, you’d double their price.”
Tyrion – “You want two castles or two wives?”
Bronn – “One of both would do, but if you want me to kill the Mountain it better be a big castle”
Bronn has gold, what can he buy with gratitude? I don’t know Bronn, happiness? Bro times? I don’t blame him for choosing Lollys over a potential castle in the North, its bloody cold up north, even during “spring.” And don’t forget winter is coming.
Bronn – “Given a choice between fucking Lollys and fighting the Mountain, you’d have your breeches down and cock-up before a man could blink.”
One of the Tyrions many strengths. Bronn would be a bloody fool if the Mountain didn’t frighten him, yeah, he’d be a deadman. One misstep could cost him his life, or worse, two castles! Bronn admits that he’s Tyrions friend, but Tyrion has never risked his life for Bronn, giving him a bunch of gold and booze doesn’t count. Tyrion tells Bronn he liked how he was an evil bastard with no heart and no conscience, he has such a way with words. They part ways with, no hugs, no tears, only a handshake. A lasting handshake.
I don’t have much to say about to this scene, it’s too good. There’s been a lot of goodbyes this season, there’s been at least one every episode, but this one was the best. Go and watch it again. Then fast forward to the Oberyn scene.
Bronn – “I hope to hear them sing it one day.”
Bronn grinned one last time, and walked out of the door; the castle, and his life. ☹
I’m calling bullshit that he “climbed” through that window, seriously those windows are pretty small, and isn’t she on the top floor of a freaking pyramid? Can’t anyone in this show guard a room properly? Maybe the guards can just tell when the intruders want sexy times and not murder times. Daario swam to an island a mile off shore for those flowers, why didn’t he take one of those 93 boats he stole? Daenerys tells Darrio the next time she wants a booty call she’ll text him for it. Daario came to her to ask for a favor, he’s only good at war and women, and he’s all out of war. And look at that, Dany’s a woman. Dany tells him that there are thousands of women in Meereen that he can pursue, but Daario only has eyes for her. His “sword” is hers till the day he dies. And she can have MY AXE as well.
Daenerys – “Take off your clothes, I won’t though.”
Daario takes off his two piece outfit, but leaves his bowtie on, Chippendales much? Ugh, man butt instead of Daenary’s butt. I feel cheated.
Daario does the walk of shame and assures Jorah that she’s in a good mood. Poor Jorah. So Daenerys’ sleeping quarters are also the meeting area? Or does this pyramid not have a separate meeting area and bedroom in it’s thousand story building? Dany assures her brown bear that she doesn’t trust Daario and that she sent him to retake Yunkai. She wants Daario to execute every master in Yunkai, so it looks like she hasn’t learned anything from her talk with Hizdahr zo Loraq. Jorah advises her that this may not be the best idea because it’s a little too crazy/murdery and suggests a stern warning could be better.
Jorah – “There’s good and evil on both sides of every war ever fought.”
George RR – “This is what my books are all about.”
Dany is pretty adamant about killing all the masters anyway, but Jorah utters a few more sentences and convinces her. She decides to send Hizdahr zo Loraq to accompany the Second Sons and convince the masters to stop being shitty masters.
Dany – “Go tell Daario I changed my mind…no wait, tell him you changed my mind.”
Way to throw him that bone Dany! But I don’t think that’s the bone he wanted.
Melisandre has the skill to find just the right amount of candles to fill a room, but just enough not to light up the room fully. Melisandre is as hot as the people she burns at the stake. I forget it sometimes because she’s such a freaking psychopath, but I think I understand why Stannis follows her so devotedly. Given the choice between Seylse and Melisandre, Tyrion would have his breeches down and cock-up before you could say “Shadow Baby.” Even though we didn’t get to see any skin from Daenarys, I think Melisandre has more than made up for it. She allows Selyse to come in while she’s in the bath because she wants her to see how a real woman looks.
Melisandre – “Get me that blue vial, no not that one, you don’t even want to know what that one does.”
Probably has something to do with fire and burning, and if that’s true, Selyse would want to know.
Turns out that blue vile was just soap. Some super sexy soap not made of dove skin.
Melisandre – “When I looked into the flames the lord of light told me this would be the last good bath I would have for a long time.”
Wow a joke. She should know by now that the Stannis/Selyse family has never laughed at anything though. She’s going to need better jokes than that if you want a smile out of these folks.
Apparently humor isn’t Selyse’s strength, her strengths lie more in being a useless crazy mother.
Mel assures her crazy queen that all jokes are lies. Just like all of her magic! In the books Melisandre gets one POV chapter and we get to see into her mind and how she makes some of her tricks appear more powerful than they actually are. In the show they couldn’t do this, but I feel that telling Selyse this wasn’t the best confidant either, but hey, I’m all for more bath scenes. Mel has the ability to make a black smoke that can make even the bravest men piss themselves. Does this black smoke also come out of her vagina? Because Davos saw that and he was okay.
Selyse – “Did you use that lust potion on Stannis when you seduced him?”
Melisandre – “Oh honey…”
Selyse talks about how useless her daughter is and how she has heretical tendencies, she’s blaming her daughter’s Greyscale on her tendencies… I feel like it had to be this woman’s fault. Selyse is angry and confused on why Stannis would show any affection for his daughter because she isn’t capable of showing human emotions. Mel convinces her that Shireen must come because the Lord needs her…please don’t burn that little girl. The two of them stare into the fires and that’s all the convincing she needs.
Brienne tells Pod that they deserve a reward after sleeping in ditches for the past few weeks. Just how long has Tyrion been in that cell? A few months apparently. No wine for Pod, this is a 180 degree turn from what Pod was used to with Tyrion. Don’t get drunk? Isn’t that the point of drinking wine? The return of Hot Pie! Brienne complemented his pie and activated his talk card. Wow I’m already sick of Hot Pie too, just hurry up and tell them about Arya already.
Hot Pie – “You cannot give up on the gravy.”
The house words of house hot pie.
Brienne tells Hot Pie that they’re looking for Sansa Stark. Or as Hot Pie remembers, that lot from Winterhell. Which is a much better name than Winterfell now that I think about it. This scene didn’t happen in the books, after Arya left Hot Pie all the way back in Season 3 no one ever hears from Hot Pie again, which is about as happy an ending you can hope for in this universe. Hot Pie panics when Brienne starts talking about Sansa Stark and brings up hot pies again. He waits until the next morning to tell Brienne and Pod about Arya.
Brienne – “You’re not interesting enough to be offensive.”
Well that armor makes you looks fat.
Pod – “The Lannisters are looking for Sansa. The Lannisters have money, people kill for money.”
Reaching just a little bit there Podrick, but I understand the logic. Brienne was sent by a Lannister.
Pod advises Brienne to not use Sansa’s name anymore when asking about her whereabouts. Good enough advice, but then how were they going to get this great tip from Hot Pie, never give up on the gravy. Hot Pie describes the Hound, but doesn’t know his name. Face like a half burnt ham, seriously how does no one know who this guy is? Isn’t he one of the most infamous fighters in Westeros? Isn’t there a bounty out there for him now? Pie adds the description “not friendly” just in case there are any friendly half burnt giant warriors out there too. Now Brienne and Pod are off to go find her in the Eyrie, which is ironic because they gave up looking for Sansa to look for Arya when in fact they’re getting closer to Sansa and not Arya. He gives them a much better dire wolf bread than the one he gave Arya last season and they take the beaten path to find her.
And here Tyrion and I both thought Oberyn would be at a brothel at this hour. The Red Viper starts talking about this absolutely stunning blonde, but she just turns out to be Cersei. I think Oberyn is talking to the wrong Lannister brother. Oberyn wasn’t fooled at all when Cersei tried to sway him for the trial, looks like this Viper is just as smart as he is sexy/badass/awesome. Oberyn’s monologue was almost verbatim from the book, it just came at a much earlier time. In the book this story is used when Tyrion first meets Oberyn, I was scared that the show writers weren’t going to use it in the show, but I think using it at this point of the story made it more impactful for Tyrion and show watchers. Plus both actors hit it out of the park in this scene. What we learned from his story is that Cersei blames Tyrion for killing her mother, and that Cersei almost pinched off Tyrion’s cock, we already have enough characters without cocks, if not for Jaime having his brother’s back since the beginning. I can’t add saving his brother’s cock to the list because he had 2 hands back then.
Oberyn didn’t like anything about the Rock. Blasphemy, that’s one of Nicholas Cage’s best movies.
Oberyn – “All anyone talked about on the ride up was the monster that was born from Tywin Lannister.”
I swear Tyrion don’t hate him yet, just let him finish the story!
Oberyn – “With privates of both a girl and a boy.”
Tyrion – “That would make things so much easier.”
Tyrion took the words right out of my mouth. And I’m sure Oberyn was disappointed as well.
Oberyn – “Your head was a bit large, your limbs a tad small, but no claw, no red-eye, no tail between your legs, just a tiny pink cock.”
He still has that tiny pink cock thanks to his brother!
Oberyn – “That’s not a monster, that’s just a baby.”
I’ll cry with you Tyrion…
Tyrion – “If you want justice, you’ve come to the wrong place.”
More of just the wrong time really. 16 years…come on.
Oberyn – “I’ve come to the perfect place, all those that have wronged me are right here…I will be your champion.”
Goosebumps, even after the 3rd viewing.
Tyrion – (I love you so much right now. Seriously, if you didn’t save me right now I’d have been fucked.)
(Oh great, he’s behind me isn’t he…) I’m not sure if I should be impressed with her snow castle because I don’t remember what Winterfell looks like not burnt. Robin talks about how he’s lived his whole life in the Eyrie because it’s dangerous to leave. It sure sounds dangerous to live on the ground and not on a mountain. That’s some sound logic right there.
Robin – “I’m kind of a big deal.”
He starts asking Sansa about Winterfell and she realizes that she may never see it again. Robin wants to know where the Moon Door is because he may be mentally handicapped. But without a Moon Door, what is he going to do with all the bad/scary people?! Maybe just kill them like everyone else does. Sansa said that she just let her dad take care of them, so what is she going to do now?! He promises that when he grows up and becomes the Lord of the Vale he’ll be able to fly anyone that bothers him out the Moon Door, including her! When they get married they can use the Moon Door all day. Yup, ;), that’s what the young people in the Vale call it now. Every other line out of this brat’s mouth is Moon Door. Robin makes a realistic Winterfell by stomping on it and promptly gets a slap to the face. Long over due, something even Littlefinger agrees with.
Sansa – “Why did you really kill Joffrey.”
You know, besides for him being an insufferable cunt.
Littlefinger – “Because he indirectly helped killed your mother.”
In a better world he could be have ended up being Sansa’s father, but since it’s not a “better” world, he can now hit on her daughter. Call him Petyr…and then one of the creepiest kisses this show has ever had, which is saying something.
Lysa threatens to throw Sansa out the Moon Door and we all knew this was going to happen, but Sansa did cheat on her man so Lysa’s totally justified in doing this.
Littlefinger – “Lysa, let her go.”
Joker – “Poor choice of words.”
Elsa – “The cold never bothered her anyway.”
Well Lysa is technically right, Sansa will never love Littlefinger as much as she loves him. Honestly I don’t think anyone will love Littlefinger, especially as much as her. Littelfinger swears on his life, he swears to all the Gods, that he’ll send Sansa away. So foreshadowing? Maybe they’re all liars outside of King’s Landing too.
Littlefinger – “I have only loved one woman my entire life…your sister.”
Only Cat? He says that instead of “your sister” in the books. Honestly I’m okay with this change because it’s less confusing to show watchers. In the book there’s a singer in the room with them, Marillion…the guy that had his tongue ripped out all the way back in Season 1. He didn’t have his tongue ripped out in the books and stays in the Vale after he helped get Tyrion there. Littlefinger blames him for pushing Lysa out the Moon Door. He says, “quick now there’s no time to lose, the singer’s killed my lady wife.” In a super casual manner and it’s pretty badass. But in the show, he can’t blame someone else. So what could he possibly say? She slipped and fell through?! Someone should really close that Moon Door. Sheesh, at least in the book he had someone to blame this on, poor planning/alibi this time Littlefinger.