Game of Thrones Recap: The Mountain and the Viper

I’ve read the books, but I won’t spoil anything by bringing up anything new for show watchers, but I will make references to the book. There will be spoilers for this episode though, duh.

So you can tell we’re starting off in Mole’s Town because there’s a couple (well a whore and some dude) hooking up in a desolate muddy alley. Typical Mole’s Town and HBO. The guy in the bar really had a 50/50 if not a 100% shot of guessing that belched song. Rains of Castamere is played on repeat in this world, but they did sing the Bear and the Maiden Fair that one time. All I’m asking for is a few more songs, the jukebox might as well be on repeat.
Whore – “Too bad you have a hangnail for a cock.”
This town seems pretty fun.
Whore – “Like a baby snail peeking out of his shell.”
gilly

We get a ton of euphemisms for cocks in this episode, with Dany chiming in later. Apparently they’re only allowed to show wieners in this show, just not say them.
I know it took that little kid, Olly, one cut scene to run to the Wall, but I guess the wildling raiders are too busy eating everyone, so it’ll take them 5 episodes. Gilly is hanging laundry at night, that’ll get them dry! I’m no laundry expert, thanks to my mommy!, but hanging wet clothes indoors with no sun when winter is coming seems like a bad time to do laundry. Gilly hears the wildling owl call and goes to hide with her baby, she doesn’t tell anyone else because that one whore was mean to her. Kind of a dick move, or snail sneaking out of it’s shell move, to not warn anyone. The whore that was mean to Gilly gets killed by Ygritte. Thankfully Ygritte draws the line at killing babies and mothers, everyone else is fair game though. Watch your back Jon Snuuuw. There’s also blood raining from the roof in case you didn’t realize this was a dire situation.

blood ceilingWhere is that blood coming from…

Sam – (I made a terrible mistake…) I use parentheses to show what the characters are saying in their minds, which, I know, doesn’t make sense because I make up half the quotes.
So the Night’s Watch lost some more men because they were fucking whores at Mole’s Town, they were the guys that took 2 tries to guess the song right. The watch is probably better off without them. The rest of the guys at the Wall don’t seem to be preparing or have been preparing for an attack on both sides of the Wall…these guys are so screwed.
Dolorous Edd – “She survived Craster and he was the worst shit I ever met.”
I guess he hasn’t met Walder Frey or Ramsay Snow.
“She survived a White Walker and she’s a credited actress during the credits.”
Yeah she’ll be fine.
Are these two wildling armies still in contact with each other? How are these guys going to see the attack signal anyway? Just attack episode 9 everyone! Okay boss.
“Whoever dies last, be a good lad and burn the rest of us so we don’t come back.”
I guess the White Walkers are too busy babysitting to attack as well. How can 102 men defend against the 100,000 wildling army? Well the 700 ft magical ice wall helps, but I’d be more worried about the raiders coming from the south, who they haven’t been preparing for at all!

nnin

The Unsullied all bathe in the same river apparently. So let’s have this eunuch love story because those thousand page books just don’t have enough substance. I guess I can get behind this if it involves more Missandei “plot” scenes, but otherwise it’s pretty dreadful. I kind of wish we saw Missandei’s afro wet, just so we can see what she looks like with her hair down. Grey Worm drowns himself in sexual frustration. I don’t blame him.greyworm

Missandei knew that Grey Worm wanted her, but I’m sure every man wants her. Daenerys assures Missandei that those who lack a man’s parts may still have a man’s heart. This was a throwaway line in the books that humanized the Unsullied, but I guess the show is going to run with it for multiple episodes to develop Grey Worm.
Daenerys – “Do you know if the Unsullied have both the pillar and the stones cut off?”
More euphemisms! Cute Dany, but Missandei isn’t 12, you can use big girl words. Grey Worm apologies for staring at the goddess Missandei while she’s in the throne room alone. Looks like Jorah is helping Grey Worm learn to read too, what a great guy he is, but Jorah probably helps because Missandei isn’t actually “teacher good.” She keeps asking about his past because she wants to humanism him more or something. “Remember when you got cut?” Hopefully not. “Remember when they took you as a slave?” Again, hopefully not. I wouldn’t change anything about my life because then I wouldn’t have met you cliché. Honestly for me, meeting Daenerys wouldn’t be worth my pillar and stones.She’s glad Grey Worm saw her, and so is he, and so am I… and my axe!

Ramsay makes fun of the Ironborn Kracken sigil, but it’s not like he has a flayed man for his sigil and his house colors are pink. He does make a point though, Krackens don’t have bones, and I’m guessing Ramsay’s really good at anatomy. He flays things to learn! Ramsay reminds Theon he’s Reek, but he’s supposed to pretend to be Theon and not Reek… not confusing at all.
Ramsay’s take – “Remember what you are, and what you’re not.”
Not as good as Tyrion’s advice to Jon Snow, but Ramsay isn’t the smartest guy.

mc

Moat Cailin is the home to the Reed siblings that tag along with Bran beyond the Wall. The guards ask who Theon is and he has an existential crisis. The Ironborn seem to be doing a good job keeping their dead bodies inside Moat Caitlin, maybe Krackens don’t have brains either because that’s how diseases spread. Do they want diseases?! In the books there are two very good explanations for why Moat Cailin is so poorly manned by the Ironborn, but I guess in the show we can accept all Ironborn are incompetent. Theon tells the Incompetent born that if they agree to Ramsay’s terms they’ll be treated as fairly as he’s been treated. Well, he’s not lying to them. Theon’s father bent the knee when he idiotically declared himself king and waged war against the rest of Westeros. He thought he could rule Westeros with only a navel force…it cost him the lives of his 2 sons and Theon was sent to live in Winterfell as a hostage. This guy rejects the offer and spits in Theon’s face, which I feel like is a common occurrence for Theon by now. Shortly after that guy takes an axe to the head because he was smart and we can’t have smart Incompetent borns. The guy that kills the badass Ironborn can’t read the surrender terms, and honestly the other guy probably couldn’t read it either. I’m guessing the education on the Iron Islands is just terrible. I earned my degree with the iron price! I can’t believe they actually surrendered, I know they’re all idiots, but Ramsay has a pretty terrible reputation and the Boltons just helped the Freys kill the entire Northern Army at a wedding. Why would they ever listen to a Bolton (or a Frey)?

Ramsay is happy with his Reek and is upset that flaying is falling out of fashion, but like all fads it’s coming back in style. I don’t think Alfie Allen looks like a convincing Reek, you can only act so much like you’re broken, and he doesn’t look broken at all to me. It’s the same issue I have with the Hunger Games, all the kids look pretty well fed. I guess I have unrealistic expectations, but they gave Reek less scars than Ramsay after a sex scene last episode. Just saying.

lfLittlefinger is accused of being an immigrant, looks like Game of Thrones is tackling some real world issues here. Baelish tries flattery, but Bronze Yohn Royce is too cool to fall for that. His son was that douche in the first scene of the show that got killed by the wights.
Royce – “You’ve been licking Tywin Lannisters boots so long it’s a wonder your tongue’s not black.”
Or at the very least gold.
“Nobody cared when you were made master of coin. It was always a grubby job, why not let a grubby man do it.”
Keep all these burns coming, and Littlefinger will be the king of whatevers left.
Suicide? That’s your plan here buddy? I guess I was expecting more from one of the smartest men in Westeros, but I was wrong.
Anya Waynwood – “She was always an odd fish.”
Hehehe, sigil jokes.
The old lady’s name is Anya Waynwood, all you really need to know is she’s a lord in the Vale though. I’m glad these 2 aren’t buying Littlefinger’s claim that Lysa committed suicide, I mean it’s a pretty ridiculous claim. No one should be buying this. They call in “Alayne” as a witness.
Littlefinger – “Her? She has scattered wits, and is blind in one eye.”
These guys are even clever enough to keep her testimony unadulterated. That’s where the cleverness stops however. They assure Alayne she has nothing to fear from them, like she hasn’t heard that one before. They also tell her not to be afraid of Littlefinger, well that’s just not true.
Sansa – “I’m sorry Lord Baelish, I have to tell the truth.”
She doesn’t. But she does tell them her identity, for some reason.
Petyr – “I thought we both agreed you’d call me Petyr?”
Stop trying to make this happen Lord Baelish, it’s not going to happen.
Sansa alters a few details, tells a few truths, and cries. Then all doubt is gone.

s lying

Littlefinger – “Did I say blind? I meant you’d be blind not to believe her.”
Smooth Petyr.
I’m sure Littlefinger would have just pushed them all out the Moon Door if Sansa didn’t save his ass with that confession. Worst case scenario he’d have to go through a trial by combat. And if the Knights of the Vale are anything like the ones that fought Bronn, then he’d get off easily.

lord of v
Who’s that 3rd guy? He actually got one line too. Maybe it’s Rickon all grown up?! Petyr mentions that the Lannisters have spies everywhere, hmm, this 3rd unnamed guy is starting to look prettay, prettaaay suspicious. This isn’t a spoiler, I’m just grasping at straws here. After the meeting that 3rd disappears and the named characters all walk down the stairwell.
Royce – “Now that she’s dead, breast-feeding that Robin kid till he was 10, prettaaaaay weird.”
I know right!
Littlefinger offers the lords of the Vale justice for her suicide murder. So Littlefinger has some pretty big stones to offer justice against himself.
Littlefinger – “You guys have been kind of pussies in this war haven’t you?”
He was the one that was controlling Lysa though…

hn
Royce – “You want us to back Robin Arryn? Did I not just mention the breast milk thing?”
Yeah, it takes two to breast feed…usually.
Littlefinger – It’s time for Robin to leave the nest.”
More sigil puns! And a name pun too! Double puns are double the funs.
I think he just wants to get rid of Robin so he can have more alone time with Sansa.

bbbbAfter delivering the parcel from King’s Landing the boy scurries away. I guess they don’t give tips in Meereen, are we sure slavery is abolished? Jorah seems to be looking at a map (how can I get my guys from here to here…hmmm). Where’d he get that map?! I thought there were no map stores! I’m not sure if a royal pardon still works if the King who signed it is dead. I’m actually surprised Barristan still respects signed papers seeing as he didn’t do shit for Ned back in Season 1. Didn’t Cersei teach him that pieces of paper mean nothing? Barristan wanted to tell Jorah first instead of going behind his back, what a bro. Jorah asks if he can speak with her in private, but Barristan responds with “you’ll never be alone with her again.” He’s not that much of a bro.
“Khaleesi” was only uttered once during this scene, super disappointed. I wonder how Daenerys would have handled the situation if Jorah went with Daario to Yunkai. Would she have broken up with him through raven? This seems more like face to face news.
Jorah – “I used to be a spy, but then I fell in love with you and have been loyal ever since.”
Well at least he’s honest. Dany doesn’t channel her inner Stannis and dismisses Jorah instead of simply chopping off some finger tips, at least she didn’t burn him alive. Dany can’t look Jorah in the eye when she’s dismissing him. The wine merchant tried to poison her, but he stopped her from drinking the wine… that would be enough for me to forgive Jorah.
Daenerys – “Any other man I would have executed by now.”
Barristan – (ouch…I’m right here.)
Grey Worm – (I may not have my little grey worm anymore, but that still hurt…I’m a man too.)
Looks like Daenerys doesn’t need her dragons to burn people.
Jorah wishes he were in the friend zone now…

handTalk to the hand.

My son kind of creeps me out…

fandr
Roose – “Moat Calin may be mine, but did you flay them?”
(I’ve heard that’s coming back in style.)
Ramsay – “There’s been no word from Locke.”
(Okay, let’s never speak of him ever again.)
Roose – “Meh, the Stark boys are probably dead anyway. I just wanted Locke to feel important.”
Plus Locke almost ruined his friendship with Tywin Lannister.
Roose – “Tell me what you see.”
Surprisingly not that much snow in the North when winter is apparently coming. Sansa made an impressive snow castle in the Eyrie and that’s south of the North.
Ramsay – “Uh, nothing really. The North kind of sucks.”
Look, look with your special eyes.
Roose – “700 miles that way is still the north, 400 miles that way is still the north, and 300 miles that way is still the north.”
(I think that’s all the directions on a compass, moving on.) What about the last direction?! I need to know Roose!
Roose – “Now tell me, what is your name?”
Ramsay is surprised because he’s usually the one who asks that question to Reek.
Ramsay is now a Bolton for realz. I’m surprised that parcel didn’t fly out of his hand in this wind, that’s a strong grip. He’s not a bastard in name, but he’s still one at heart. They then all head to Winterfell, their new home. Good thing they didn’t trash/burn it earlier.

Robin – “I’m afraid to leave the nest uncle Petyr.”
Technically its father Petyr now.
Littlefinger – “People die in their dinner tables, their chamber pots, right outside their moon doors…
Everybody dies sooner or later. Don’t worry about your death, worry about your life.”

lkjhynv

Menacingly grasps Robin. That’s all it takes to be the Lord of the Vale, to be “alive?” Well with the rate of suicide in the Vale, I’d start taking Littlefingers advice to heart and leave the nest on my own terms instead of bird style. Did Sansa remove her painted covered overalls and glasses? Because she got a whole lot hotter. I think she’s 18 now…but I don’t think Littlefinger would have cared.

I want to say Sansa has become a “player” in the game of thrones now, but then again she thinks teaming up with Littlefinger is a good idea. I mean all those creepy pedo advances would sort of send me a bad vibe, but compared to Joffrey, Littlefinger seems like a nice guy. She’s worried about what the lords of the Vale would have done if Littlefinger was gone, but honestly they probably would have just kept her safe in the Eyrie. I don’t think Royce would sell her out to the Lannsiters seeing as he hates them. Plus he was childhood friends with her father, she could not have asked for a better opportunity.
Littlefinger – “Better to gamble on the man you know than the strangers you don’t.”
No Sansa, bad Sansa.
Sansa’s thinks Littlefinger saved her from King’s Landing, but he betrayed her dad! I guess she didn’t know that, but still. At least she knows what he wants, dem sweet lemon cakes! That’s why he got all those lemon trees up for her, because he loves lemon cakes too!

handar 3

Lots of things make Arya happy, like killing for example. Arya is miffed she didn’t get to see the look in Joffrey’s eyes when he knew it was over. So I guess she’s entering her deep emo phase.
Arya – “Do you think you could have saved him?”
Half the words out his mouth have been “fuck the king,” so probably no.
The Hound – “I wasn’t the damn wine taster.”
As he drinks wine…bet he wishes he was though. Maybe then he would have stayed.
The Hound says that poisons a woman’s weapon. Let’s go over our checklist, Jon Arryn and Joffrey were both killed by women and poison. Yup, his theory checks out. Arya would kill Joffrey with a chicken bone if she had to. Looks like she doesn’t eat the bones. The Hound states he’d pay good money to see that. The world would pay good money to see that.
hounfgnGuard – “Lady Arryn died.”
The Hound – “Again?!”
Internal screaming.
Arya starts laughing at her aunt’s death, her claim earlier about killing making her happy checks out.
Is the Hound just going to walk away from the Moon Gate with Arya Stark? Oh you wanted to hostage this little girl off? Well our crazy ruler is dead and we don’t really care about morality in this world, so we won’t rescue her. The Stark children really don’t know how to keep their secret identities in check, they’re worse than Peter Parker in Spiderman 2.

handar

Jamie was able to sneak in wine when Pod couldn’t, add sneaking in wine to the list!
Tyrion – “The Red Viper of Dorne, you don’t get a nickname like that unless you’re deadly right?”
He got that name because he uses poisoned weapons. Everyone that has fought him had either died on the battle field or died by poison painfully after.
Cousin killing, Jamie should be really familiar with that. I can’t even begin to imagine the horrible shit Tywin did to the wet-nurse that dropped Orson Lannister on his head. This story wasn’t in the books, but if you want to go into the symbolism of the story this guy did a much better job. Maybe this story didn’t have symbolism, maybe it’s just about a retarded guy crushing beetles. You’d think the beetles would learn to avoid going to this murder garden. You’d also think he’d wipe out all the beetles pretty fast. Did he crush any other type of insect or was it just beetles?
Jamie – “You’d think being tormented from birth would have given you some affiliation for the afflicted.”
No, just cripples, bastards, and broken things.
Some guy tried to touch Jamie once, well this story got out of hand. (oh wait…) So that comment is just glossed over like it’s nothing. Good thing this beetle crawls by Tyrion for this beetle related story, convenient! Any way Orson dies, end of story. The bells go off signaling the start of the trial by combat, I’m just glad they didn’t start playing the Rains of Castemere.

obandt

It honestly doesn’t even look like Oberyn’s wearing armor, more like some BDSM snake leather. And his armor isn’t even red! The Red Viper should wear red armor right?!
Tyrion – “You could at least wear a helmet.”
Oh the irony. Not like a helmet would have saved him though…
Oberyn – “But then how will people see my pretty face?”
It won’t be so pretty in a few short minutes… 😦
Tyrion – “You shouldn’t drink before a fight.”
Ironic this is coming from Tyrion, who once said wine makes everything better.
Oberyn – “You learned this from your years in the fighting pits?”
Can you be serious? Just once Oberyn be serious. Use your head…
“Today is not the day I die.”
We’re now 0/2 on people saying that and winning their fight after. The God of Death says today.
“Size doesn’t matter when you’re flat on your back.”
That’s not what she said…or what Oberyn said in bed… Dornish have sex a lot.

Screen shot 2014-06-05 at 1.39.17 AM
With Pycelle as the hype man I should have known the fight was going to disappoint me. Tywin just dismisses him while he’s talking, yeah Tywin, let’s get this trial started. Wow, Oberyn can twirl a baton better than most of the girls I’ve seen in the Olympics…I’m assuming, I’m not even sure baton twirling is an event in the Olympics. Also I think they cut 2 dozen times with that spear twirl, that’s about 2 dozen unnecessary camera cuts.
Glad Oberyn knocked off his helmet, now we could see this different Mountain actor’s face. Oberyn breaks his spear, oh no!, and then is given a replacement one in like 2 seconds…how is this not cheating? I sure hope this one has “oil” on it too. They cut way too much during the fight scene, I don’t care if a stunt double has to be the one actually fighting the Mountain, just give me a good continual shot of action. jamie reCan’t Tyrion give him some advice from the sidelines? You’re right there, tell him to finish him off and to stop being an idiot! Don’t monologue Oberyn, that’s for bad guys only! It’s sad because you can see Jamie thinks Tyrion will win and everything will be okay, George RR quickly kills his hope…and ours.  At least Oberyn heard him confess…even if he couldn’t see it. In the books he at least has a sword to the Mountains neck before the Mountain grabs his leg and mounts him. In the show he’s just arrogantly standing there, which seems silly. In the books the Mountain can’t really move at all, so Oberyn is on top, his favorite position, of the Mountain when he gets killed. The Mountain finishes off Oberyn with a fist to the face, crunch, instead of, uh, super squeeze. I’m sure the results would be the same though, but I think it would have been cooler than just having your face squeezed in like a watermelon. I hated how they handled this fight because it felt too short. Also Tyrion didn’t throw up in reaction to Oberyn’s brutal death and instead just stares dumbfounded. He also laughs maniacally at the irony of putting his life in the Red Viper’s hands when snakes don’t have hands. I would have liked to have seen it, hopefully it still gets in there.

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