Yesterday I really wanted guacamole and made it my mission to make some. I go to the store and start gathering ingredients – cilantro, tomato, red onion, garlic, limes – but the main ingredient, of course I looked for it last, was seemingly sold out. All the avocados were gone. It was literally the only reason I went to the super market. It was literally the only reason I put on pants.
Okay maybe it was wrong of me to give up, I had options. I could buy organic avocados for double the price, but the sizes varied from plump prunes to shriveled apples. A real bang for my buck. Or I could buy florida avocados. I don’t know if you’ve ever encountered a florida avocado, but it pretty much looks like an avocado on steroids. If Bruce Banner’s an avocado, then the Hulk is a florida avocado. Of course it was huge, bigger is the American way. How have I never heard of these before? It had to be too good to be true. I could buy 2 organic avocados for $6 or buy 2 Hulk avocados for $4, or I could go to another store. The chances of me going to another store for avocados were almost no existent, the more appealing scenario would have me leaving my cart in the isle and never returning. No, I would gamble on these florida avocados. I would save $2 and still get twice the amount of avocado, it was a matter of principle, size matters to me.
Apparently florida avocados are healthier than regular avocados, with fewer calories despite being almost 3 times larger. I was just grateful they weren’t charging by the pound. After getting home, I set out making guac with these hulkcados. Avocados are fruits, yes I had to look it up. The tomato and the avocado belong in the “fruits you’ll never find in a fruit basket” category. Anyway the skin is much thinner and smoother than on normal avocado, but texture wise everything looked the same. After grinding and mixing it with the rest of the ingredients, I ventured my first bite.
A blind texture test would leave me unable to distinguish green mush from green mush. I would only say it felt lighter, if that makes any sense, on my tongue. The taste though, rubbish. It’s like drinking a diet coke instead of a coke. It’s like eating low-fat chips instead of chips. It’s like doing meth instead of blue meth. It’s better for you, it’s healthier for you, and whether out of self shaming or guilt, you buy them hoping you can indulge yourself without feeling as guilty. Or that’s all they had and what the heck! (My scenario) But as soon as it reaches your mouth you know the difference. You regret ever caving in and buying it. That’s what the florida avocado tasted like to me, that and shame.
Well to be more specific it tasted sweeter than normal avocados. It also tasted different…I have such a way with words don’t I? I can’t really describe this differentness, but I can tell you this flavor difference is the reason why restaurants like Chipotle or Subway aren’t campaigning for their new “healthier” guac made with fresh florida avocados, it’s because it tastes awful.
Imagine going on a run, coming home and opening a bottle of cold water, taking a drink, and its sparkling water. Leaving your thirst unquenched, you somehow become less hydrated. The guacamole tasted worse because it looked like normal guacamole, I expected the delicious taste of guac, and instead got sparkling water. My sense of sight betrayed my sense of taste. Does anyone actually like sparkling water? Besides Europeans, I was just in Europe and I swear it’s like a 50/50 shot when you open a bottle of water, or if you have my luck, it’s like playing russian roulette with a loaded gun. I hate florida avocado’s almost as much as I hate sparkling water.
I immediately regretted not dishing out the extra dough for the organic ones. I eventually regretted giving the florida avocados such a cool nickname, hulkocados deserves better, everyone wants to be the Hulk, not Dr. Banner. My second thought was maybe I just scooped up a bad section. I scooped again, it tasted worse. I was starting to get depressed. It looked so good, but tasted so bad, but unlike Charlie Brown and his football, I wouldn’t be making the same mistake 3 times. I gave up, I didn’t eat anymore.
I told my dad to eat the guacamole and he couldn’t taste anything wrong. I heard you start to shrink as you age, but I guess you start to lose your taste buds as well. At least he liked it, until my flabbergasted questioning made him distrust my food.
The best beers are brewed in Germany, the best toys are made in China, the best leaders are made in North Korea, and the best avocados are made in Mexico. Florida can keep theirs.