Truly Terrible Detectives

beautiful hairs

I binge-watched the entire True Detective series and honestly didn’t really understand or absorb the finer details of the plot, but I’m going to critique it anyway. The acting chemistry between Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson makes the show an okay watch, McConaughey’s character Rust got all the cool lines and Harrelson’s character Marty got all the pretty girls. I expected the opposite going into the show. I love how the screenwriter utilizes flashbacks and the story telling of main characters Rust and Marty to explain the story, but the plot itself just felt so unsatisfying and unnecessarily long. While I love both actors,and their hair is just fantastic throughout the entire series…I need to hire whoever did their hair for me, I never really connected with either characters in the end.
Spoilers for the series and a much better review on the finale can be read on Grantland here.

I don’t want to say the series was bad because I enjoyed many aspects about it, I just feel like if the red-hot McConaughey wasn’t in the show then it wouldn’t have gotten all the attention it received. I can break down this show pretty easily, there’s murder, rape, boobs, kidnapping, McConaughey without his shirt on, some hard drugs, more murder, Michelle Monaghan’s ass, a time skip, more boobs, a spooky cave, and then we’re done. Overall a very solid show, but with the way some of my friends were talking about it I expected a great show. There also seems to be never-ending coverage on who will star in True Detective Season 2, the characters from the first season won’t carry over. I don’t think it’ll be good unless they get the current super hot actor Chris Pratt, which they won’t.

she has clothes onAlexandra Daddario is naked for seemingly all her screen time. Actually I started watching the show because someone told me Alexandra Daddario gets naked for like 2 minutes. I didn’t even know who she was, but I figured I could give the show a look.  I wish she got more roles outside of Annabeth in the Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief Movie, which somehow spawned a sequel, and that one appearance on Always Sunny in Philadelphia. If you don’t have better things to do just google her. Michelle Monaghan shows off some of her assets and some other beautiful actress goes topless as well. Somehow all these ladies find Woody Harrelson, and not super hunk Matthew McConaughey, more attractive. I mean I love me some Harrelson, I’ve liked him in every movie I’ve seen him in, but no human with a libido is choosing him over McConauGay. It’s hard to believe his character Rust never goes to the gym or doing push ups or any physical activity because he’s way too jacked for a former undercover drug addict. He does transform for the role though, but during the flashbacks he’s way too muscular.

The plot doesn’t make any sense, for some reason they’re looking for this one rapist murderer who leaves his victims in weird sacrificial positions, but there’s a cult out there that influenced him that no one mentions after they catch the guy. There’s literally video evidence of all the cult members in weird masks defiling a underage girl…do those guys just get off?
“They were wearing masks, we’ll never figure out who they are!”
I don’t see this psycho as a ring leader. Clearly this guy isn’t organizing the cult meetings, he’s just the first one to show up.

The finale episode felt lame and abrupt, but I’m not sure how they should have handled it either, maybe bring back Alexandra Daddario? The villain that they were hyping up the entire series was just a fat hillbilly. This was no Yellow King, a figure the show kept hyping throughout the series. Good thing they showed him talking to his father’s rotting corpse tied to the bed, just in case we didn’t know he was crazy and evil he was. They don’t even explain what it signifies. Is there a king for every color of the rainbow? It’s not like he was the only one killing and raping women and children, there was a cult doing that too.

There’s a never-ending cave of weirwood roots in the middle of New Orleans where the two true detectives face off with the psycho hillbilly which makes for a semi cool location for the finale fight, but doesn’t make any geological sense. It was also longer than the run way in Fast & Furious 6, this is my unit of movie measurement and I’ve referenced it in many of my “articles,” it’ll always be funny for me.

you dont like the show man

What really ticked me off was that in almost every episode where they interrogate people at the scene of the crime these people describe some man with horrible burn scars on his chin being there…and they don’t use this information to catch the guy. This is why I have the article titled as is because they’re terrible detectives! How are they not able to find a guy, over 17 years, that has horrible burn scars all over his face?! That’s a pretty distinguishing description!
“Hey have you seen a guy with burn scars all over his face? You have?! He works at schools as a creepy handy man which coincidentally is where most of the victims are from? Maybe this is our guy?”
green earsThey don’t even use this description to eventually find him, they use a child’s drawing who saw the killer as a jumping off point to make outrageous claims about how because the kid used a green crayon to draw the ears the killer must have been using green paint, therefore he must have painted a house nearby using green paint. I’m not making this up either. This detective work also took 17 years. Scooby Doo and the gang could have knocked this out in 30 minutes, and that’s with commercial breaks.

“No luck catching them killers, then? It’s just the one killer, actually.”
I kept thinking about this line from Hot Fuzz because 1) it’s a great movie 2) that’s how they handle the other killers aka the cult. That’s why so many people were confused that they’re doing a whole new cast and new story for Season 2, it’s because the Season 1 story doesn’t tie up many loose ends. There’s still that pedophile cult. I feel like those are the true bad guys here, not this main psycho guy who is more of a product of that psycho cult than anything else. These people keep referring to this guy as the Yellow King, people are terrified of this person, and it just turns out to be a fat weirdo. I mean the actor did a great job portraying the craziness of him, but I was expecting Bane, not a fat Joker.

I guess the story was never about the mystery, it was always about the characters, but if you want both I’d recommend watching Fargo. It’s much funnier as well. The ending made me realize I didn’t care that much about the main characters as I thought, they were cool, but I didn’t care if they died, I didn’t care Marty’s family came to see him in the hospital, I didn’t care that the two detective partners became friends in the end. It also always bugged me True Detective was never plural…this isn’t like the word fish, add an ‘S’ to the end of the word, there are 2 detectives! I’ve had this rough draft written out for months and I couldn’t figure out how to make any sense of it, but I’m okay with this.

true friends


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