Snowpiercer Review

Snowpiercer is a fantasy drama that received many positive reviews – Rotten Tomatoes gave it a 95%, IMDB gave it a 7/10, and I read a glowing review on Grantland. I thought the movie was ridiculous, it was entertaining and felt played out in a unique way, but it wasn’t great. The story was interesting, but apart from location, nothing new. The movie takes place entirely on a train because the world has frozen over and the only survivors live on a super train. I wouldn’t think too much about it, just accept that they’re on a train. The people in the caboose, they only call it the tail end in the movie… missed opportunity if you ask me, are treated like shit and the rich live in luxury in the front. As far as I noticed there was no reason for the people in the caboose to be treated horribly other than to give them motivation to rebel. The train is symbolic of the disparity between the rich and the poor in the real world and the moral of the movie is to ride trains.

wet penceAfter 17 years of oppression hunky Chris Evans leads a rebellion, who would have thought?!, to take down the engineer and inventor of the train Wilford and the others that live in the front. There were other rebellions before this one, but for some reason Chris Evans wasn’t part of those. On a super powered train circling a frozen earth dystopia this is somehow the biggest plot fall. The star filled cast is joined by 2 Korean actors I didn’t recognize and someone who I thought for sure was hunter pence/the wet bandit. The next part of the review is just me commenting about scenes during the movie and contain huge spoilers.

People are divided into different and unequal classes, the movie continually and overtly demonstrates this message with every scene.

I thought Minny Jackson had more than one kid, but apparently she didn’t. Measurement woman is able to find Minny Jackson’s kid, either she cares enough to remember who has a kid and who doesn’t in the caboose area or she’s a witch.

Those protein bars look like they’re made of poop…which is almost a better alternative than what they’re actually made of.

Freezing the Wet Bandit’s arm off was a bad ass scene, but I’m still a little confused on why they had to put a Flavor Flav necklace on him…seemed a bit excessive. If they can calculate how long it will take for his arm to freeze, shouldn’t these people know that the temperature outside has decreased? Shouldn’t it take longer for his arm to freeze now than it has in the past?

hunter pence 2

Evil dictator woman’s speech spends 6 minutes reiterating the same point about the difference between the classes, it was so bland and repetitive it felt like a Ayn Rand book.

Who throws a shoe? Honestly. Who pretends to wear a shoe as a hat, honestly.

Chris Evans pulls the gun to his head and pulls the trigger, this rebellion could have been a lot shorter if he turned out to be wrong.

The prison looks about as comfortable as a morgue or a japanese hotel room. How did they survive all those years in prison? There are no ill effects to living in a morgue for years. Actually, all these people seem to be in really good shape for living malnourished in such a small train space for all these years.

The voice translators that work by speaking into it, do we have these already? Unless this was invented on the train, it wasn’t, then this movie is saying we had these in 2014? I’m not entirely sure if I’m stupid or this is a made up device.

The fact that they let the guy who knows how to open the doors survive in jail instead of killing him makes no sense to me, especially if they have to kill off people because only a certain amount of people on the train can live.

That tattoo shirtless kid should have won more fights. He came at the end in too many fights when he was their best fighter.

So cockroaches survive everything, even a super winter, but just get shredded into protein bars here. Also eeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwww. I thought the bars would have been made of people.

They have to kill off 74% because? Seems like a pretty specific number that was pulled out of someone’s ass.

Why did those masked men cut a fish before attacking the rebellion? Symbolism? What was I missing here?

The break during the axe fight was actually hilarious. Happy New Year! I guess as soon as it hit the new year the Asian girl turned 18 and they could justify the audience being attracted to her. Guys with ski masks and no eye openings put on these night vision goggles and are able to see in the dark. They sure got that fire and torches to everyone really fast, especially considering they couldn’t see and only had one match. I can barely light a cigar with one match.

I actually love how the main character chose to secure the dictator woman hostage over “saving” his friend. It’s impossible to save his friend at that point and he can save a lot more of his friends by getting her.

Evil dictator lady takes out her front teeth at one point…why did she do that?

Snowpiercer-lineup

The aquarium was cool and all, but a little unrealistic. I saw a manta ray in there, do people eat that? I’d want an aquarium filled with fish I can eat and can repopulate enough so that it’s possible to eat sushi more than twice a year. At least they showed us the fish, but where are the livestock? Where are these cows and chickens at? There’s a meat locker, but no live animal stock. They had all those eggs too, where are the chickens at? Do people live in those farms as well?

How were these notes always finding the main character?

I would have killed that psycho brainwashing teacher right away. Never let your guard down. All those kids seemed terrible too. They don’t give the grunt guys bullets, okay I can get over that, but why not the axe gang crew bullets? Is it because killing people with axes is cooler? Fighting on a train seems tough. The whole bullet rationing seemed silly.

Seriously killing 74% of the train population doesn’t make sense. At least add them to the cockroach bars to make food, don’t let those bodies go to waste. I love how Chris Evans killed that dictator woman after the egg scandal. Realism. Actually, no one really survives longer than they’re needed for. I think that’s what I liked best about this movie, famous actors and main characters were dying left and right because they were supposed to.

It seemed like no one on the train knew what the fuck was happening. Is there any sort of communication between the train cabins? Did these people even know how bad the people in the caboose were being treated? It looked like they didn’t.

The sauna area was also the only bathroom area…another train design flaw. We’re going to accept super soldier being able to snipe them across the train too? Just the logistics of that seem impossible. Do front passengers party 100% of the time in the front of the train? Where does everyone sleep? The drug room is right before the engine room. Where’s economy class? I saw a terrible back-end, then a party area and some pools, no real living quarters. Wilford what were you thinking when you designed this super train?!

I liked Chris Evan’s arm story, that was cool. Cutting off an arm to save hungry people instead of killing the weak and eating them was neat and actually gave this character some depth. Captain America being too weak to cut off his own arm, but being strong enough to sacrifice his arm to stop the gears to save the kid was neat as well. Babies taste the best out of humans. If I had to choose babies or those cockroach bars I would have a tough time choosing…just saying. They could have eaten that frozen arm! What a waste of food!

Using the plane in the snow as an indicator to how cold it is outside seems foolish seeing as it’s WHITE. Maybe look for a better landmark, something easier to see. That guy was doing a lot of drugs though, it’s perfectly reasonable to not believe him. “I want to use it to make a bomb.” Is he not super high on Krono right now? Was he faking the whole time just to get Krono to make a bomb because he was pretty prettay prettaaaaay into character and I refuse to believe he didn’t have a little sample of the Krono.

I thought China’s one child policy was extreme, but that seems a better alternative than Wilford’s plan. I mean a whole lot of people died on the train and there have been multiple rebellions, so much so it was wrongfully thought that bullets went extinct. Killing people didn’t make any sense to me. There’s no way the train is overpopulated if they lived on this train for 18 years and had multiple rebellions.

That one super bad guy got choked to death, but came back to life for apparently no reason. He killed most of the main characters too, let’s bring him back and have him fight the high Korean drug addict in the background to build more tension, but not really focus on it so it could have been anyone. Why not just have a crazy big party dude come up? There was literally no point for reviving that character from the dead.

Wilford wants Chris Evans to be his successor for reasons I didn’t understand. Why not make the girl who can see through walls the next successor? She seems a lot more special than Chris Evans. So the other guy was evil too? The Human Torch’s hero in the caboose was evil? I don’t know what to believe in anymore. He did want Chris Evans to kill Wilford as soon as he saw him, but I have a tough time believing he would live in a shit hole for 18 years, even going as far as sawing off his arm, just so he could coordinate with Wilford about keeping the population in check. I mean sawing off his arm to keep that baby alive is the exact opposite of Wilford wanting to kill off people.

Small Rant
Chris Evans played the Human Torch in that terrible Fantastic 4 movie and the guy that played his best friend in this movie will be playing the Thing in the Fantastic 4 reboots. Jamie Bell seems way too scrawny to play the Thing and I honestly hate how they’re rebooting a shitty movie that came out less than 10 years ago. Give us new super hero movies! They’re somehow already slated for 2 movies, I hope it bombs again.

jamie-bell-snowpiercer

Not caring about those matches seem pretty stupid considering how important they were throughout the story… during the axe fight, using it to ignite the Krono, and smoking the last cigarette.
I have no idea where that one kid goes at the end of the movie or why he doesn’t listen to Chris Evans, Hunter Pence’s kid wasn’t important enough to survive I guess.

Exploding the door causes a giant avalanche outside, the explosion did not seem big enough to cause a giant avalanche.

The Snowpiercer is done in by snow.

It was cute that the girl and little boy survived, but did everyone else die? Wilford didn’t even seem to care.

That polar bear is gonna eat them, that isn’t a good ending.
Polar Bear – “I’m tired of all this snow I usually eat, hey those humans look delicious.”
If you went into this movie not expecting it to be amazing I think you would have had a much more enjoyable experience, but overall I have to give it a mediocre rating.
6/10 Stars

6stars

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