Game of Thrones Recap: The Wars to Come

boltonfell

Season 5 is finally upon us! The Winterfell animation had a Bolton logo, I know it’s a new season and I should be happy, but that made me sad. I may have spelled every name wrong at least once during my first run through, it’ll take a while before I fall back into form.  I’ve read the books, but I won’t spoil anything by bringing up anything new for show watchers, but I will make references to the book. There will be spoilers for this episode though, duh.

The show does a superb job casting child actors, I hate this young Cersei as much as the older one. young cerseiYoung Cersei and her only friend wander into the swamp to learn their fortunes…there has to be an easier way.
Maggy the Frog – “Get out.”
Weird, that’s exactly what my roommate says to me every time I come home. I love you too mom and dad.
Young Cersei – “They said you were terrifying, with cats teeth and three eyes.”
Maggy the Frog’s description on the wiki verbatim, “squat and warty, with crusty yellow eyes, no teeth, and pale green jowls.” HBO cast her slightly different from that description. Maggy the Frog is the prettiest women to live in a swamp since Cameron Diaz’s voice in Shrek.
If a woman that pretty told me she wanted to taste my blood, I wouldn’t ask any questions either. Maggy lusts after young Cersei’s little finger like a vampire in True Blood, adding more sexual overtone to a character described in the books that make crazy cat ladies seem cute. Cersei gets to ask three questions because Maggy moonlights as a genie and she’s a little drunk right now.
“The king will have 20 kids and you will have 3.”
In the books Maggy tells Cersei the king will have 16 bastards, but the show rounded up here because…they’re trying to be different?
“Queen you shall be… until there comes another, younger and more beautiful, to cast you down and take all that you hold dear.”
maggy the swamp babe
The younger more beautiful queen could refer to either Margaery, Daenerys, Sansa, or someone else. There are a lot of theories, but personally I think it’s Margaery and I bet Cersei does too.
They left out the valonqar prophecy, the most important one! It explains her paranoia and disdain for her younger brother Tyrion. I have no idea why they had this flashback if they didn’t include that part of the prophecy, this really only tells us Cersei has always been a bad person.
In the books Cersei’s skeptical friend asks if she’ll marry Jaime, only to be told she’d die that night…and she does. Being friends with Cersei literally killed her.

muton chawpsGreat mutton chops priest informs Cersei that they have been waiting on her to start Tywin’s funeral proceedings, but she ignorers him and makes everyone wait longer. I love how Charles Dance remained with the crew to play his corpse for one scene; he was credited in the intro. In the books Tywin’s body reeks unusually foul and his lips curl up to make him appear smiling. I appreciated the irony in the books.
Cersei – “He never wanted you to be a Kingsguard, but here you are, protecting his dead body.”
Jaime has a ton of experience guarding dead bodies. I’m just glad they didn’t start doing it like the last time a family member died. Having sex at your sons wake > having sex at your father’s wake in terms of aphrodisiac. Weird, in my experience it’s usually the other way around.
Jaime – “As soon as they see his stone eyes they’ll know he’s dead.”
I’ll never get used to those ridiculous stone googly eyes look.
Many people gossiped and questioned the legitimacy of Cersei’s children, Stannis being the most outspoken, but everyone was too afraid of Tywin to say anything. Now that he’s gone Jaime is trying to tell Cersei they need to stick together more than ever if they want to hold their shaky grasp on the Iron Throne.
Cersei – “Tyrion may be a monster, but at least he killed our father on purpose. You killed him by mistake.”
Not really sure what point she’s trying to make here. Next time kill their father on purpose?
“You’re a man of action, you never think of the consequences.”
Now look who’s calling the Kettle black.
“He loved you more than anyone in this world.”
Tywin loved his dead wife Johanna the most. I’m not sure he loved anyone after her death.
Cersei kissing her father on the forehead may be the only time she’s kissed him in the past decade, perhaps ever.

tyrion crate
No one saw Tyrion looking through those giant air holes? Just how long was he in that crate to be able to grow that glorious beard? I could have sworn the crate was bigger during last season’s finale.
I hope Tyrion wasn’t looking through the same eye holes he pooped out of…pink eye could kill a man in Westeros. I have a dog, I’ve picked up poop before, and pooping in that small crate and then pushing it out of air holes is worse. He hasn’t washed his hands the entire time either…yuck. I would have tried pooping directly out of the hole instead of pooping on the ground and then shoving it out, but I’m not like most people.
Tyrion was brought to Master Illyrio’s palace, he was the guy from the pilot who housed Daenerys and her brother. He also gave Dany the dragon eggs at her wedding and they totally didn’t recast him.
Varys – “We saw Robert Baratheon for the disaster he was.”
He’s way more obvious with who he supports in the show than in the books. He seemed to support the Targaryens in the books, but his motives aren’t clear. He’s not from Westeros, he grew up in the free cities.
A little over a minute after getting out of the crate Tyrion starts drinking, honestly I’m surprised it took him that long. A little under a minute after drinking Tyrion starts throwing up wine, honestly I’m surprised he couldn’t hold it down.
Tyrion – “I don’t imagine they’d revoke your nobility for killing a whore, it must happen all the time.”
You actually gain nobility for killing whores in Westeros.

Screen shot 2015-04-15 at 1.39.54 AM

I’m surprised how smoothly removing the harpy from the gigantic pyramid went. This probably also means we won’t see the harpy up there during the next intro sequence. The Unsullied at the bottom seem really close to where the harpy statue fell…
Not Grey Worm – (Works done, time to go cuddle.)
Other Unsullied – “We can’t just leave this giant statue in the middle of the road.”
Not Grey Worm – (I can’t hear you, it’s cuddle time!)
We see a couple stray nipples in the alley because it’s HBO. In the secret HBO directors cut instead of close ups of the character’s faces we see close ups of the character’s nipples…a subtle change.
This Unsullied is a regular at the brothel and we get a really cute scene, along with more nipples, before it’s ruined by him getting murdered. Somehow removing a giant harpy from a 100 story pyramid is safer than cuddling.

There’s a new guy in Dany’s inner circle…he’s not suspicious at all. He tells Daenerys about White Rat’s death and how the Sons of Harpy, basically Meereenise terrorists, don’t like her rule.
Deanerys – “Angry snakes lash out, makes chopping off their heads that much easier.”
Screen shot 2015-04-15 at 1.47.58 AMIt makes getting bitten a lot easier too. I’ll cut the heads off sleeping snakes, you handle the ones lashing out…freak.
Missandei still doesn’t understand why men without male genitalia can still crave for human affection and touch. It’s such a basic answer, but somehow this mystery is being stretched over multiple seasons for her. Give this girl another mystery to solve.

Jon trains Olly, the boy who killed Ygritte, to become a better sword fighter because he’s already an expert in archery. Ghost is just casually eating his bone in the background. I’m not sure what bone could be strong and big enough for a direwolf to chew on.
Sam doesn’t train in the yard because he doesn’t want to embarrass himself in front of Gilly.
Sam – “Well technically we’re watchers on the Wall, not fighters. So I don’t need to train”
Out of the nineteen castles the Night’s Watch have along the Wall only three are currently manned. Shadow Tower is the castle furthest west on the Wall while Eastwatch is, well, the furthest east on the Wall and on the sea. With the Night’s Watch finally not in chaos, they need to nominate a new Lord Commander after Jeor Mormont was murdered in Season 3 by Karl “The Fooking Legend” Tanner. Denys Mallister is in charge of Shadow Tower and he was mentioned by Sam, I don’t know if brothers in Eastwatch will be included in the show, but it would be odd to have only 2 castles garrisoned on the Wall. Ser Alliser never had a chance to become nominated as the new lord commander because everyone hated him, he supports Janos Slynt in the books, who isn’t as much as a buffoon in the show.
Sam – “I told you, wherever you go I go too.”
Gilly – “Then maybe you should start sword training!”

All attractive redheads are attracted to Jon Snow, the lucky bastard.
Melisandre is always hot because the lord of light keeps her warm. She has Jon Snow feel her cheek to show how warm she is, but seeing as this is HBO I expected her to be a little more Screen shot 2015-04-15 at 1.59.22 AMaggressive.
Melisandre – “I’m always warm, feel me.”
Jon – “…I’m touching your breasts.”
Melisandre – “Feel my warmth!”
That didn’t happen unfortunately.
Melisandre – “Are you a virgin?”
She knows full well he’s not a virgin.
Jon – “No.”
Don’t respond, she just wants to burn you!
Melisandre – “Good.”
Across the board virgins are better sacrifices, not sure why she’s happy here. This may have been Mel’s attempt at flirting.
Atop the Wall Stannis and Davis look over a stunning view, but it doesn’t seem like a safe place to stand. One strong gust of wind and we’d be down another king.
Davos – “I’ve been talking to your sworn brothers, many of them like you.”
Jon – “They’re good men.”
Davos – “Many don’t.”
Jon – “Bunch o’ cunts.”
Stannis says he’ll mount Roose Bolton’s head on a spike and he wants to use the wildlings to improve his army. It’s understandable in the books that he’d want to bolster his army with wildlings, but didn’t he get an unlimited supply of gold from the Iron Bank last season? Didn’t he already hire scores of sellswords? How many more men does he need? At this point in the books he was strapped for swords because that visit with the Iron Bank never happened. Stannis asks Jon to convince Mance to bend the knee for him.
Jon – “How much time do I have?”
Stannis – Til nightfall, sun drops fast this time of year.”
So not much. It actually looks like nightfall already, hurry Jon!

sansa is wearing gloves because...

Similar to Charles Dance’s dead body cameo, they hired the actor playing Robin Arryn for this one episode just so he could get his ass beat by some other kid…it’s so satisfying.
Waymar Royce – “He swings a sword like a girl with palsy.”
I always liked Royce.
Littlefinger – “He has other gifts.”
He defends Robin because he sees a little bit of himself in Robin, a little Littlefinger if you will.
Royce – “Does he?”
Robin is really good at making me uncomfortable when I watch him, that counts for something.
It appears that Robin will remain as a ward for the Royces, this never happened in the books. Littlefinger would never leave such a valuable “piece” in the hands of someone so competent and capable of betraying him.
Royce – “He’ll be safe here, as for his skills…I make no promises.”
Sansa’s story is heading in a totally different direction in the show. One cute thing I’ve noticed is that Littlefinger has chosen Sansa as his “champion” and Varys has chosen Tyrion as his. I love how the two opposites and largest players in a Game of Thrones have chosen the “married” Sansa and Tyrion to mentor. I still believe their marriage has a chance!

turn around! for the love of the 7, turn around!

Brienne yells at Podrick, she must be pretty angry at him after he let Arya escape, but he didn’t have a choice because it wasn’t in the books! They seem to be taking a totally different direction with her storyline from the books and I wouldn’t be too surprised if we don’t see this odd couple for a while. If they decide to go north they may unintentionally find Sansa…if they turned around to ask for directions they would have unintentionally found Sansa.

Sansa – “Why are we heading West?”
Doesn’t she mean North? I’m going off the trailers, but I’m pretty sure they’re going to Winterfell.
Littlefinger lied to Royce about going to the Fingers, but that seems like a pretty easy lie to see through, what could they possibly be doing at the Fingers for an extended period of time?
Littlefinger – “Trust no one Sansa.”
That’s what he said to Ned before betraying him! Good thing they’re heading towards the Boltons, a family only slightly more trustworthy than the Freys.
He claims he’s doing this to hide Sansa in a place that not even Cersei could reach her, but the Vale was a great place for that. The term “impregnable” was tossed around a couple times describing that place. Not only are they throwing Sansa’s storyline out the window, they’re also throwing logic out as well.
Littlefinger’s magic traveling ability will help them arrive at their destination in an episode.

there isn't enough wine in the world for the shit i put up withLoras tries to comfort Cersei in the wake of her father’s death, what a good future husband.
Cersei – “Thank you for your kind words.”
I surprised how courteous she was, I guess she just doesn’t care anymore.
Pycelle tries to comfort her as well, but he’s ignored. In the books he was more distraught over Tywin’s death than anyone, he was more in love with Tywin than Loras was with Renly.
Cersei – “Cousin Lancel, I hardly recognized you.”
I didn’t recognize him at all. I didn’t recognize Kevan either, but it’s the same actor. He’s Tywin’s little brother and he’s a pretty smart dude.
Lancel is a sparrow, a devout follower of the Seven and a new priest gaining popularity called the High Sparrow. I’m pretty sure the High Septon was mutton chops mcgee earlier, but the High Sparrow has the true power because the common people follow him. His nickname is the High Sparrow and his followers are called sparrows after him.

Cersei – “What could you possibly have to warrant my forgiveness.”
maybe show a little more clevage lancelHe gave King Robert strong wine during the boar hunt that indirectly led to his death. He also had sex with her, which indirectly led to Cersei drinking more strong wine.
Lancel – “I led you to the darkness.”
Cersei – “I doubt you ever led anyone anywhere.”
Her quips are pretty on point this episode.
Lancel – “I will pray for Tywin’s soul.”
Don’t worry he has those googly stone eyes, his soul should be fine.
Cersei – “The day Tywin Lannister’s soul needs your prayers…”
Is the day he dies! Wait a sec…

Only Gay Prostitute in Westeros – “We should go to Dorne, I think we would have a lovely time, judging from my experience.”
It’s because he misses Oberyn! Once you have the Red Viper of Dorne, nothing else is good.
Highgarden hates Dorne, so there’s no way Loras would want to go to Dorne in the books.
Margaery interrupts them, and from the look on her face she’s walked in on her brother having sex a lot.
marg and her plansMargaery – “Maybe be a little more discreet?”
Maybe knock the next time you enter his room?
Loras – “No one can force Cersei to marry me.”
Only true loves first kiss can make these two fall in love.
“You’re trapped here with Cersei as your mother by law.”
Margaery – “Perhaps…”
Someone has a plan.

Tyrion – “You never told me why you set me free.”
From prison or from the crate?
Varys – “Your brother asked me to.”
More like threatened him.
Tyrion – “My brother doesn’t have his sword hand anymore, releasing me was a lot riskier than earning the wrath of a man who can’t even wipe his own arse.”
Varys – “I didn’t do it for you, I did it for the 7 Kingdoms.”
It’s not really explained in the books why he likes Westeros so much. I think he just likes Tyrion.
“I believe that men of talent have a role to play in the wars to come.”
Hey, that phrase is in the title of the episode!
Tyrion – “I will never sit on the Iron Throne.”
Don’t sell yourself short there Tyrion.
“I killed my own lover with my bare hands and shot my own father with a crossbow.”
Varys – “I never said you were perfect.”
He’s IMPerfect.
Tyrion – “What is it you want exactly?”
I’m not sure either buddy.
varys and tyrion and a crate 2
Varys – “Peace. A land where the powerful do not pray on the powerless.”
When Robert was king the 7 Kingdoms were at peace, he’s not telling us something!
Tyrion – “And I want castles made of gingerbread and the moats full of blackberry wine.”
And interesting combination, but that was only 2 wishes, Maggie the Frog still owes him one more.
Varys – “Do you know who’ll make a good ruler? The girl I sent assassins after in Season 1.”
He must have known the assassin would have failed! He always wanted Daenerys to rule…
“You can stay here at Illyrio’s palace and drink yourself to death or you can ride with me to Meereen. Meet Daenerys Targaryen and decide if the world is worth fighting for.”
And why would she want them? She knows the Spider sent an assassin for her and Tyrion is a Lannister, his dad killed her mother, brother, and sister. This plan has more holes in it than the crate Tryion came in!
Tyrion – “…Can I do both?”
I’m not sure horses can carry that much wine.
Varys – “…Why did I save you again?”

dany and yunkai stuff

Daario, I’m surprised he wasn’t recast, and Hizdahr, I forgot his name…but he’s basically a Meereen noble person, return from their peace brokering with Yunkai.
Hizdahr – “Yunkai has agreed to peace, but they have also agreed they don’t like you.”
Daenerys – “I’m not a politician, I’m a queen. I don’t care what they think.”
Totally cares what they think.
Hizadahr – “It’s easier to rule happy subjects than unhappy ones.”
Maybe if he used snake analogies she’d understand better.
“They ask for the reopening of the fighting pits.”
It’s better than asking for slavery.
Daenerys – “I do not respect the traditions of human cock fighting.”
Is she not entertained by the warriors in the coliseum?!

It looks like Emilia Clarke won’t be going topless ever again, I’m more annoyed with the lack of realism than lack of boobs, there’s a naked dude right there!
Daario – “You should reopen the fighting pits.”
Daenerys – “Watch your mouth or I’ll have you recast faster than you can say Strong Belwas.”
that wig looks so badDaario – “I was sold into slavery.”
One usually doesn’t choose to be a slave, yes.
Dany – “I’m sorry.”
Daario – “It’s alright, I was a bad child.”
Being a bad child = okay being a slave.
Daenerys – “You were sold into slavery, forced to fight to death for the amusement of the masters, and you’re defending the pits?!”
Yeah, but he won a lot of money and it’s not like most people die or anything scary like that.
Daario – “I wouldn’t change anything because I met you.”
He’s already gotten in her pants, do we still have to hear these corny lines?
“You’re the queen, everyone’s too afraid of you to speak the truth…everyone but me.”
I bet a certain Jorah Mormont would speak the truth to her too.
“You’re not the mother of Unsullied, you’re the mother of dragons.”
Daenerys – “But they eat kids…”
Maybe she should have sold them into slavery if they were misbehaving.
Daenerys – “Hey dragons you’re still grounded, but I wanted to check up on you. Hopefully you two aren’t mad or anything.”
THEY’RE STILL MAD.
dragons got big
Staying in cramped dark places seems to speed up growth rates, just look at Tyrion’s beard as another example. Realistically though Drogon is probably bigger than these two because eating all those children allowed him to grow stronger.

Mance – “When we first met you were my prisoner. Good times.”
Jon – “This doesn’t have to be our last meeting.”
I’m just happy they don’t talk about crushing beetles for the rest of the conversation.
Mance – “No, but it will be. He wants me to bend the knee and have the free folk fight for him. I’ll give him this much, he’s bold.”
He’s no Barristan.
“I’d expect him to be a better ruler than the fools who sat the Iron Throne the last 100 years, but I’ll never serve him.”
Stannis roasts people alive more often than most people use their kitchen ovens, I’m skeptical about how good of a ruler he could be.
Jon – “You spent your life convincing 90 clans to come together.”
He was a member of the Night’s Watch at one point, so it’s not like he spent his whole life doing that. He joined the clans together because the White Walkers were coming and he needed them all to migrate to a safer place. I think he combined the clans in a couple years in the books, but it may have been shorter.
“None of them will survive winter north of the wall.”
Uh, and the ice zombies coming for all of humanity too. Are we just ignoring this now?!
“Wasn’t their survival more important than your pride.”
I just realized he doesn’t have handcuffs or anything. Run Mance! Escape!

no chains, run!
Jon – “You’re afraid of looking afraid.”
He has nothing to be afraid of but being afraid itself…and ice zombies.
Mance – “Oh I am afraid. No shame in that.”
That’s actually a really badass line. I like Mance.
Mance – “Any chance I can get death by snu snu?”
Jon – “…They’re gonna burn you alive.”
Mance – “Bad way to go…like after the snu snu part?”
Burning alive is a pretty bad way to go. Death by snu snu is probably one of the best ways.
“I don’t want to die like that, but it’s better than betraying everything I believe in.”
Ned got a similar talking to before he died, but he gave in.
Jon – “What happens to your people? You preserve your dignity and they’ll sing songs about you-”
Book Mance would love that.
“You’d rather burn than kneel, a great hero.”
He’ll probably die a hero, but it does seem like a foolish decision.
Mance – “I don’t want my men to fight in a southerner’s war.”
They’ll likely die if they don’t though…
“The freedom to make my own mistakes was all I ever wanted.”
I’m calling it now, Jon says this line to someone in the future.

stannis...please kneel

Stannis – “Bend the knee and I promise you mercy…in case you didn’t understand me, kneel and live…in case I’m still not being clear enough, kneel and no fire ouch ouch burn. Heck I’ll even accept a bow…Why doesn’t anyone respect me.”
Mance – “This was my home for many years, I wish you good fortune in the wars to come.
They said the name of the title twice! Overkill!
Mance – “Also I wish you good fortune in the game of thrones. I hope you win the clash of kings and survive the storm of swords on the battlefield. Losing would only mean a feast for crows and that would be unfortunate. Speaking of lousy consequences, did I ever tell you about my junior prom? My date was terrible. If I can give you any advice, don’t share a dance with dragons, they’ll burn your feet.”
Yeah I went a little overboard with this section.
Stannis – “Thanks man, I really appreciate your kind words, but I was really only looking for a kneel here so…You’ll have to die now. Nods to guards, burn him. Yes, the guy in front of me.”
Mel is so happy.
Melisandre – “If you don’t choose Stannis I will burn you…and don’t think ‘well she can’t burn us all,’ I can, and I really want to.”
Jon can’t watch his friend burn alive and leaves in frustration.
Gilly leans on Sam’s shoulder and he sort of tilts his head on hers, it’s really awkward, but he’s still better at this romance stuff than Melisandre. Alliser is smiling at the wildling BBQ, a stark contrast to the very sad Tormund, that’s his best friend up there. Stannis’s wife Selyse, I hate her so much. I feel bad for their daughter, the poor kid has seen enough people burning alive for a couple lifetimes and she isn’t even old enough to drink away her memories.
Jon shoots Mance in the heart to end his misery, what a bro move. Shot through the heart!
Mance – (Where in blue blazes did that arrow come from?!…Hehehe, blazes. It’s funny cause I’m burning alive!)

shoot through the heart! again

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