Game of Thrones Recap: The House of Black and White

mormont cute response

Despite Robin Arryn being the only character remaining in the Eyrie, it’s still part of the animation introduction credits… They also didn’t remove the harpy statue atop the pyramid in Meereen. Braavos was used before, when Stannis visited the Iron Bank, and will be used for a while now that Arya’s there. I’ve read the books, but I won’t spoil anything by bringing up anything new for show watchers, but I will make references to the book. There will be spoilers for this episode though, duh.
The episode starts with a close up on Arya’s face, someone looks pissed about not being in the first episode. Every scene this ship captain has been in there’s been a literal ship on screen…
Screen shot 2015-04-22 at 11.34.47 AMShip Captain – “Don’t be afraid, they’re announcing our arrival.”
The horn blast announcing their arrival is called the Titan’s Flatulence.
Arya – “I’m not afraid…”
Fear cuts deeper than swords.
They paddle right through the delightful town of Braavos, “on your left some locals selling fish, on your right some locals fishing, and straight ahead the elite training grounds for super assassins.”
The House of Black and White was part of the community in Braavos, sick people would go there to die and the place was open to everyone. Here it seems a little out of place. It also doesn’t really look like a house of black and white either, more like the doors are black and white.
One does not simply knock on the doors of the House of Black and White…wait, that actually worked. Okay. ‘Valar Morghulis’ isn’t the secret password to enter, that’d be too easy.
Arya – “I just crossed the Narrow Sea, I have nowhere else to go.”
Faceless Man – “You have everywhere else to go.”
There are worse places to get stranded. Hopefully she likes fish.
Arya – “Cersei, Walder Frey, The Mountain, Meryn Trant.”
I don’t think that list is long enough, maybe add a couple Boltons and every Frey. After three weather changes she tosses her magic coin into the bay. That’s not a wishing well Arya!

Pod and Brienne decide to dine in the inn of plot convenience.
Littlefinger – “My marriage proposal has been accepted.”
Going off the promos for the next week’s episode, I don’t think he was talking about himself getting married. Sansa is most likely betrothed to…Ramsey Bolton. Perhaps Littlefinger wants to make himself look better by comparison.
Pod’s enamored with the cute waitress, and by following her he notices Sansa and Littlefinger. It’s not like they were hiding. Sansa’s disguise is hair dye and Littlefinger doesn’t sport one.
Pod – “There are a bunch of knights with them.”
Brienne – “A bunch of knights? What is that like 6? 20?”
Going off a banana terms, a bunch is 20 bananas.
Pod – “10 I think, too many. I don’t think this is the right time for us.”
Brienne – “Ready the horses.”
Pod – “Okay, just ignore my advice. We only have 1 horse.”
Brienne – “Did I stutter?”
will you marry me sansa? ill protect you goood
Sansa samples some of the ale, but doesn’t like the taste. I’d bet she’d love lemonade though.
Brienne approaches them.
Littlefinger – “I was friends with Catelyn since she was a little girl, strange that she never mentioned you.”
What a coincidence, Catelyn never mentioned Littlefinger to Sansa before King’s Landing either.
Littlefinger – “We’ve met, remember Renly? And how you killed him.”
Not a good start Brienne, just please stab Littlefinger and rescue Sansa here. Brienne can’t convince Sansa to come with her, probably because her goth phase seems to have turned her heart to stone. Can’t she see a good guy when they’re kneeling in front of you?
Littlefinger – “She swore to protect Renly, she failed. She swore to protect Catelyn, she failed.”
He swore to help Ned Stark, he lied.
no means no...i trust littlefingerSansa – “I saw you at Joffrey’s wedding bowing to the king.”
Brienne – “Neither of us wanted to be there.”
Yeah Sansa, don’t be stupid here! This interaction didn’t happen in the books, there’s no book script to follow here, escape! Brienne’s 0/2 for convincing Stark girls to come with her, maybe she should practice her speech next time or at least try learning from her past mistake with Arya.
Brienne – (The plan isn’t working, bail).
Brienne somehow ditches the knights following her and Podrick, still a poor rider, is followed by a knight who takes forever to catch up with him.
Podrick throws a rock at his pursuer, but unfortunately the knight’s armor wasn’t made of scissors.
Knight – “I guess that means you’re unarmed.”
No, he still has the biggest “lance” in the 7 Kingdoms.
Somehow Brienne finds them in time to save Podrick. I’m glad they showcase the advantages of using a Valerian steel sword.
Podrick – “Both Stark girls refused your service…maybe they don’t want your protection.”
Yeah what’s the plan after you rescue them Brienne? I don’t think she’s thought any of this through. Her story in the books has basically been thrown out, I have no idea what they’ll do with Brienne’s story arc.

Cersei 100% reset that snake in the box so Jaime could see the dramatic effect. Are we sure the Martells sent this? With all the changes to the script, Lord Voldemort could have sent it.
stop making harry potter referencesCersei – “I will burn their cities to the ground if they touch her!”
Seems like a reasonable response.
Jaime – “You’re speaking too loud.”
She is.
Cersei – “AM I SPEAKING TOO LOUD NOW?!”
SHE IS.
Jaime was never a father figure to his “kids” and always remained distant because if Robert or anyone suspected their true heritage then all 3 kids, Cersei, and himself would be murdered.
Cersei – “You never made anything better.”
Except her cunt. Boom, roasted.
Jaime is going to Dorne because his storyline wasn’t the best part of the 4th book or anything…wait a second, it totally was! It sounds like he’s going to steal Myrcella from the Martells; this plan sounds awful, and by foregoing the Riverlands it makes it seem like the war is over, it’s not. Bronn has great chemistry with the Lannister boys and his inclusion in this horrible rescue mission has me dismissing many plot holes.

fine castle, it gone though

Bronn’s used his time off to master the art of skipping stones. His betrothed, Lollys Stokeworth, talks to him about their wedding preparations. She seems to dislike flutes and love pigeon pies…she doesn’t seem like the smartest person, but she’s still smarter here than her book counterpart.
Lollys – “My older sister will get the castle. She calls me mean names and sometimes pulls my hair when mother isn’t looking.”
What are you 5?!
Bronn – “Don’t worry, meanness comes around, people like your sister will get what’s coming to them, now on an unrelated note, which room was hers again?”
I hope this line foreshadows all mean characters getting killed by Bronn.
Screen shot 2015-04-22 at 12.23.02 PMLollys – “Who’s that?”
Her panties hit the floor.
Bronn – “Jaime fucking Lannister.”
My panties hit the floor.
“There’s no way this visit could mean anything good for me.”
More screen time is a great thing!
Bronn – “Lollys will be marrying Ser Willas Bracken.”
Wait a second, that’s not Bronn’s name!
Bronn does marry this girl in the books and through some…circumstances, ends up inheriting the castle. He’s not nearly as big a character in the books, but he’s a fan favorite in the show. I’m not sure if Cersei or Jaime doublecrossed him here to get him out of the marriage.
Jaime – “When we return I’ll give you a much better girl and a much better castle.”
…sure, maybe choose a castle with a better ocean.

Ellaria Sand and Sansa Stark seem to be shopping from the same Game of Thrones version of Hot Topic… She glares at a much older Myrcella and Trystane flirting in the Water Gardens…those two seemed to age faster than Dany’s dragons. I also expected more water in the Water Gardens than gardens, but maybe that’s just me.
Areo Hotah doesn’t look anything like how I imagined him in the books. His weapon in the show isn’t a “long axe,” that’s a big spear at best, a cool looking big spear, but not an axe.
I pictured Doran Martell much older and fatter, not this handsome stud.
totally not an axe
Because Oberyn was killed during a trial by combat he volunteered for, Dorne couldn’t really retaliate. In the book Doran captures the Sand Snakes immediately after the news broke of his brother’s death because he didn’t want them overreacting. He also has two other children that were kind of important in the books, but haven’t been cast yet and probably won’t be cast. The whole Dorne story arc is probably going to be entirely different, but at least we’re getting one, unlike the Ironborn.
Elleria – “They will avenge their father while you sit here doing nothing.”
Pretty harsh, he’s basically handicapped. All he can do is sit.
“Let me send her to Cersei one finger at a time.”
She wasn’t revenge crazy in the books, she was actually one of the most levelheaded characters… she should send Myrcella’s fingers to Littlefinger…for the irony.
Doran – “I loved my brother, and you made him very happy. But I’m a prince and you’re basically a concubine. We do not mutilate little girls for vengeance. Not while I rule.”
Jaime should talk to this guy on his mission, he seems reasonable.

Daario brags about his Second Sons’ ability to find the Sons of the Harpy better than the Unsullied, I guess it’s because they still have genitals. Daario stabs through a wall to find their culprit…I would be wary playing hide and seek with either of these guys. The Son of the Harpy is a great hider and Daario is a great seeker, he’d give that Potter brat a good match in Quidditch.
Platano – “We should kill him!”
barristan the reasonableBarristan – “Calm down new guy. We should interrogate him first.”
Daario – “Trust me, he doesn’t know anything. No one could lie to someone as handsome as me.”
Platano – “Great families paid him, everyone knows this.”
Hizdahr – “I don’t know it, and I’m the head of a great family.”
Barristan – “Give him a fair trial at least.”
Get out of here with your old shit Barristan! The dude literally hid with all the evidence, unless he demands trial by combat, he’s as guilty as Robert Durst.
Missandei was there the whole time and didn’t get one word in, good thing this former slave speaks perfect English, so her translation job isn’t needed.
Barristan – “Maybe it’s time I talked to you about your father, the Mad King.”
Daenerys – “You’re here to remind me of my enemies’ lies?”
Remember her brother? He was sane compared to the Mad King.
Barristan – “He murdered sons in front of their fathers-”
Like Ned Stark’s brother and father.
“He burned a whole bunch of people, chewed with his mouth open, evil things.”
Daenerys – “I’m not my father.”
Barristan – “No, I am your father!”
How crazy would that have been?!!

Tyrion – “There’s a bug in my wine.”
Varys – “Yes be careful, wouldn’t want to accidentally consume some solid food.”
poops in a box 2, a bigger box
Tyrion – “When I agreed to come with you did I misrepresent my intentions?”
No, he was pretty clear that wine was a priority for him.
“What is there to do in this fucking box?”
This is like the nicest box in the world compared to the crate he came across the Narrow Sea in.
Varys – “Cersei has offered a lordship to the man that brings her your head.”
Tyrion – “She should offer her cunt, best part of her for the best part of me.”
He’s dishing out burns harsher than the Mad King.
Tyrion – “What do you hope to find at the end of the road?”
Just how much wine have you been drinking? We went over this last episode and during the recap before the episode.
Varys – “You were quite good you know, during your brief rule as hand.”
Someone’s brown nosing, and someone shouldn’t even have a nose.
Tyrion – “How many dwarves are there in the world? Is Cersei going to kill them all?”
Do you know your sister? Yes she’ll kill them all.

Meryn Trant – “Are you trying to deceive your Queen? Should I throw them in a cell?”
2 of the 3 people alive on Arya’s list are in this room…
Cersi – “Not necessary, wouldn’t want to dissuade the other hunters.”
That’s a smart and logical decision…who is this woman?
Qyburn – “Can I take the head your grace, it could prove useful for my work…”
That’s not shady at all…
Screen shot 2015-04-22 at 12.56.26 PM
On the small council Cersei sits at the head of the table, this turns some heads. She’s making a power play, but Tommen looked pretty old the last time I saw him, he could probably be king. She makes Mace Tyrell Master of Ships and Master of Coin because he’s an idiot, a much dumber version than his book form. In the books Cersei hates the Tyrells and doesn’t want to give them any power, so she simply gives those positions to yes men that appear “loyal” to her. I’m not too high on Pycelle’s competency, but compared to Mace Tyrell he’s pretty smart. She appoints Qyburn Master of Whisperers, maybe he’ll utilize the dwarf heads to help him discover secrets.
Cersei – “It would please the king if you served as his Master of War.”
I don’t remember this title in the books.
Kevan – “I returned to the capital to pay my respects to my brother, and you, and to serve the king. I didn’t return to the capital to serve as your puppet.”
Kevan is a smart guy and him telling Cersei off won over many fans. I wish they bumped his role up more. The exchange in the books is a little funnier than what’s written in the show.
Books
Cersei – “The king is my son.”
Kevan – “Aye, and from what I saw of Joffrey, you are as unfit a mother as you are a ruler.”
Cersei – “You would abandon Tommen when he needs you most?”
Kevan – “Tommen has his mother…Aye, and his father too, I think.”
In banana terms, Cersei just got peeled!

I thought Shireen was teaching Davos the letter ‘S’ and I was like damn Davos, I thought you were past letters. Gilly and Shireen bonding is cute.
Gilly – “How old were you when you learned how to read?”
Shireen – “Three.”
Three?! I was still pooping my pants at three. Heck I still do that.
Shireen’s disease is called Greyscale, it’s curable in kids, but deadly in adults. I picture it as grey mutated chicken pox that eventually turns people into zombies. Beyond the Wall they kill anyone infected by it, without resources or money it’s pretty much a death sentence.
Shireen – “What happened to your sisters?”

why do i like this looser again?Gilly’s facial reaction, priceless. Sam’s facial reaction…a little gilly giddy.
Gilly – “My father had to drag my sisters out to the woods on a rope…”
Shireen – “What did he do with them in the woods?”
Oh honey. At least they weren’t burned alive.
Selyse doesn’t want her daughter hanging out with wildlings because it’s potentially dangerous… this is the most motherly thing she’s probably done and it’s still misplaced advice.
Selyse – “You have no idea what people will do, all your books and you still don’t know.”
I’d be more worried about her than any wildling.

Stannis – “You showed mercy to Mance Rayder, can you explain to me what ‘mercy’ is again?”
To him, mercy is only cutting off some of your fingers.
Stannis – “Show too much kindness people won’t fear you, if they don’t fear you they won’t follow you.”
Said the guy who’s only follower is the one guy he’s kind to.
The 10 year old Lyanna Mormont is technically the heir to Bear Island and related to the former Lord Commander and Jorah “Khaleesi!” Mormont.
“Bear Island knows no King, but the King in the North, whose name is Stark.”
The North are loyal to the Starks, and it’s not out of fear either.
The letter makes Jon chuckle.
Stannis – “Laughter, can you explain this to me?”
“Give me the North. Kneel before me and rise again as Jon Stark.”
At least give us some hope this could happen HBO. Poor pacing during the election makes this tempting proposal not to fruition, in banana terms the writers slipped up.

Jon – “It’s the first thing I ever remember wanting…I’m gonna refuse him. If I didn’t take my vow seriously what sort of lord of Winterfell would I be?”
Yeah because he didn’t break his vows with Ygritte.
Looks like old man Denys Mallister brought his men from Shadow Tower, that’s why there’s still so many brother’s alive after defending the wall.
Triangle votes are for Ser Alliser while square votes are for Denys Mallister. I wonder who had the biggest say in voting on shaped based tokens instead of written ones, maybe the blind guy?!
Sam nominates Jon in a more subtle and in my opinion more exciting and satisfying way in the books. Slynt tries to talk smack to Sam, but gets absolutely destroyed. Who would have thought Slynt’s 3rd grader insult wouldn’t have worked. “You like girls? What a loser!”
Sam – “Remember when you shit yourself during that battle at the wall? I remember.”
Slynt must have been 3 years old.
janos fail
Alliser is like, why am I friends with you again?
Sam – “Ser Alliser fought bravely, it’s true, and when he was wounded it was Jon who saved us…He may be young, but he was the commander we turned to when the night was darkest.”
Jon is the bringer of light.
Alliser – “Do you want to choose a man that fought the wildlings all his life? Or a man that makes love to them?”
That’s the closest thing to a smear campaign we’re gonna see.
They didn’t say what shape Jon would be when they start voting… I love how Aemon smashes the vase the votes were put in. It just doesn’t seem wise considering the votes were shaped tokens seemingly made of the same material.
Night’s Watch Dude – “It appears to be a tie.”
Aemon touches the triangle pile a couple times before voting for the circle…did he not vote before? We’re trusting a blind guy to count this?
Aemon – “Looks like we have a tie, lol jk. Jon Snow wins.”
Ser Alliser had no chance to win in the books, everyone hated him. The election was between Slynt (who Alliser supports) Denys Mallister (the old guy from Shadow Tower), and Cotter Pyke (the head guy from Eastwatch that’s not in the show). It was mainly a 3 man race and you needed majority vote to get the win or they’d revote the next day. It took a while to get the final vote in the books and Jon wasn’t even considered until the end. Alliser’s role is certainly beefed up here and I’m sure he wouldn’t make a bad lord commander in the show.

Screen shot 2015-04-22 at 1.27.21 PM

Some school yard thugs want to fight Arya over a pigeon, but realize that’s stupid and threaten to take her sword instead.
Arya – “Nothing’s worth anything to dead men.”
A ubiquitous pair of googly stone eyes disagree.
I’m surprised they could recognize a faceless man…that must be one of his common faces. Arya waits until they get back to the House of Black and White before asking who this guy is.
Jaqen H’ghar – “You lost this.”
The first rule of being a Faceless Man, magic tricks. Seriously, how’d he get that coin?
In the books Jaqen’s off doing a secret mission in Westeros, but I’m okay with this as well. This could technically be “someone else,” but it’s totally not. I think we’ll still see the personality of the man kind enough to teach Arya in Jaqen’s character, but with his badass accent.
Arya – “Well if you aren’t Jaqen H’ghar, then who are you then?”
Jaqen H’ghar – “No one.”
He said the line!
“And that is what a girl must become.”
How did the episode not end on that?! Stop ending on Dany! It’s starting to get old.

How does this former slave gain all this authority again?! He kills the guilty Son of the Harpy before the trial.
Platano- “I set you free, as you set us free.”
This guy is insane and if you haven’t noticed I’ve been using a fake name for this character the whole time. His real name is Mossador and he was like the 50th name down on IMDB. Plátano means banana in Spanish, everything’s coming up banana! I’m not sure why I’m making all these banana references either! He claims he was the first one to fight for her, but they needed that inspirational speech from Grey Worm to rebel. Also why is this guy speaking in High Valyrian now? Choose a language buddy, Missandei doesn’t even translate.
Daenerys – “The masters were once the law.”
Mossador – “And now you are the law.”
True.
Daenerys – “The law is the law.”
Stop with these terrible lines writers!

dream catcher face

A lot of people came to Dany’s announcement, good thing everyone wears proper clothing to distinguish themselves. The former slaves still look like slaves and the former masters still look like masters. There’s one girl with a dream catcher on her face…okay.
Mossador – “Mhysa please forgive me.”
No, that would be the logical thing to do.
Daenerys – “You opened your gates for me because I offered you freedom and justice.”
Greyworm also brought swords and offered revenge.
“One can not exist without the other.”
Fun fact, this was the second line in Abe Lincoln’s famous Gettysburg Address. He also beheaded someone at the end of that speech too.
It looks like Daario is performing the beheading with his Arakh…I always thought the blade was on the other side… Dany gives Daario a knowing signal to behead him. I thought for a second someone in the crowd was going to catch the head, but instead they start hissing. There aren’t any subtitles for this and I don’t speak High Valyrian, but I don’t think hissing is a good sign. Either they don’t approve this beheading or they chose an ironically bad time to open the Chamber of Secrets. Somehow there’s more outrage at this beheading than Ned Starks…
Overall not a smart move by Dany and I’d recommend she retreat somewhere safe, like say, Westeros. Please…

Barristan – “I’ll stand guard outside your door tonight, your Grace.”
I think you should be guarding her door every night buddy. Someone’s gotten lazier in his Kingsguard duties.
Daenerys – “Leave me.”
They leave.
Drogon makes a surprise visit. Surprisingly he doesn’t look bigger than his brothers despite not being trapped in a dungeon, and even more surprising, he doesn’t eat her hand. How would she wipe her arse if she lost her hand?!

dragon eats hand, yum

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3 thoughts on “Game of Thrones Recap: The House of Black and White

  1. I know it might too much to ask, but is it possible to write/type an idiot’s guide for each season of GoT? Starting with theschool last two? I’m behind by a lot. School does that a lot. BTW: Ever thought of doing recaps or reviews of Daredevil (Netflix series)?

      • Really? You didn’t like Daredevil? I thouroughly enjoyed myself with the series, and I’ve only gotten to episode 10. Guess I’ll have to wait for your review/episode by episode recap.

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