I loved the Dorne animation in the introduction, I believe that’s the first time they used it. The show runners are promoting a strong snake theme for Dorne… I wouldn’t be surprised if Voldermort was Dornish. I’ve read the books, but I won’t spoil anything by bringing up anything new for show watchers, but I will make references to the book. There will be spoilers for this episode though, duh.
This random fisherman just got in after a long hard day at sea…and gets punched in the face. Jorah drops 2 coins on his unconscious body, a fair exchange for stealing his boat. Tyrion’s small size makes him as easy as kidnapping a child, but Jorah used wine instead of candy to lure Tyrion into his boat. At least he’s not in a box.
They cut from one Lannister brother on a boat to another Lannister brother on a boat. Jaime doesn’t even use a fake name during his covert rescue mission…it’s like he wants to be recognized. The island that Jaime is looking at is Tarth, Brienne’s home. He misses her, cute. Jaime is rescuing a princess in a pink dress from
Bowser snakes in a castle, he’s Mario. There’s not a lot of space for sword training in that ship basement… Jaime needs to improve his skills.
Bronn – “Dorne…Nothing like a good fight to get you in the mood for fucking. And there’s nothing like a fuck mad Dornish girl to clear your head for the next fight.”
I mean, that basically describes most fights and women in Westeros as well.
“We’ll be doing a lot of fighting, well I am, but I don’t imagine we’ll get around for the rest.”
If Bronn was still with the other Lannister brother, they would have made time.
Jaime – “We’re rescuing my niece.”
Bronn – (Oh honey, I’m not buying that lie at all.)
Bronn – “Why are you here though?”
I know why Bronn’s here, because he’s hilarious, but yeah, Jaime should be in the Riverlands right now.
Jaime – “Because I don’t want to start a war…It has to be me.”
He’s one of the most recognizable faces in Westeros, but no one could recognize the Hound last season so maybe he has a chance.
Bronn – “You let your brother out right? If you ever see the wee fuck again, give him my regards.”
Jaime is mad at his little bro for killing their father, but Jaime hated their father too. They didn’t leave on the best of terms for different reasons in the book, but in the show they hugged goodbye. The show is becoming a little bit more like the books with that relationship, while drastically changing Jaime’s storyline.
The Iron Bank is asking for a tenth of the crown debt to be repaid, but the crown can only afford half that, so one twentieth. Why didn’t Mace just say that? Can he not do fractions?
Mace – “House Tyrell could front the gold. Pay us back or else I’d have words with my daughter!”
In another life, he would be an amazing mall Santa.
Cersei ships him off to the Iron Bank so he can never utter a corny joke in her presence again. She commands Meryn Trant to protect him, but no one in their right mind would attack Mace Tyrell. Trant on the other hand, well, Arya can kill Cersei last for being so helpful. With Jaime in Dorne are there any Kingsguard members protecting the actual king? I don’t think they cast anyone else.
Cersei – “Safe travels Lord Tyrell!”
Mace – “I’ll give your regards to the Titan of Braavos!”
He’s able to sneak one more corny joke in before leaving.
Pycelle – “The small council grows smaller and smaller.”
Still has more members than the Kingsguard.
Cersei – “Not small enough.”
What a coincidence, girls say this to Podrick all the time.
There needs to be a scene where Cersei is drinking wine once per episode. This High Septon doesn’t drink though.
Cersei – “The old High Septon would have asked the vintage.”
She misses his mutton chops already. They had so much in common.
High Sparrow – “Quite frankly, I don’t like the taste.”
She can’t even comprehend that someone wouldn’t like wine. The taste is the best part!
Cersei – (You don’t drink wine for the taste…7 Hells.)
She suggests reviving the Faith Militant, an interesting deviation from the books where the High Sparrow suggests this to Cersei in favor of forgiving the crown debt owed to the Faith. In the books the High Sparrow seems more ambitious, but in the show he’s getting opportunities from Cersei and running with them. Basically Cersei went one of the most roundabout ways to get revenge on Margaery and armed a crazy fanatic to do so.
The Faith Militant destroy casks of beer because alcohol is a sin. The sewers will run brown
with Burgundy’s blood like they always do. Then they destroy a tacky souvenir shop because…souvenirs are a sin? I actually sort of agree with this one. They destroy a brothel because whoring is a sin. Tyrion would be so upset. They carve the 7 pointed star into their foreheads because tattoos aren’t sins and I’m guessing violence isn’t either. Seriously, these guys are aggressive.
Only Gay Prostitute in Westeros – “This is Lord Petyr Baelish’s establishment!”
All whorehouses in Westeros are Petyr Baelish’s establishment.
Gets punched in the face…again.
That threat just isn’t working anymore.
Gay sex is apparently the worst sin. They capture Loras after he finishes up with his sparring match…maybe he should have held onto his sword and shield a little longer, probably the worst timing ever. Did the Faith Militant time it that way?
Loras -“Who do you think you are?”
Lancel – “Justice.”
Margaery – “Why is my brother in a cell?!”
Tommen – “Breakfast?”
They always ask me questions when I’m eating in restaurants too. Every time.
Margaery – “Arresting my brother is her revenge!”
Tommen – “Wait…you and mother aren’t best buds?”
Oh honey, he’s adorable.
Margaery – “Please, I can’t stand the thought of my brother in a cell.”
I mean she’s the queen, she has power too.
Tommen – “I’ll set him free for you.”
Tommen – (Then maybe we can have sex again!)
I don’t know how he’ll be able to get anything done without eating the most important meal of the day though.
Tommen – “I demand that Ser Loras be freed now.”
Stand strong Simba, take down momma Scar.
Cersei – “Me? What ever could you be talking about?”
Why can’t he summon the High Sparrow to him? Wasn’t he just here meeting with Cersei?
The Faith Militant don’t get out of the way for this adorable king, and here I thought I couldn’t hate them more.
Kingsguard? – “Give the order and we’ll clear out this rabble.”
Channel your inner Joffrey this one time Tommen. It’s okay, give the order.
Tommen – “You mean kill them?…”
Kingsguard – “You’ll be sending them to meet the gods that they love.”
But they have the higher ground! They cannot win! I wrote this on May 4th, Star Wars day, but it takes a while to edit.
Tommen leaves because he’s a good kid.
Tommen – “Sorry honey, I didn’t get Loras free…”
Someone’s sleeping on the couch tonight.
Margaery – “You’re telling me the king couldn’t get something done?”
Margaery – (Who do I have to screw around here to get something done?!)
“I need my grandma.”
I agree, grandma’s can solve most problems.
Selyse – “You like this boy?”
(Why don’t you like meeeee?!)
Stannis – “He’s the lord commander of the Night’s Watch.”
(And just check out his lustrous hair.)
Selyse – “He’s a bastard.”
Stannis – “That wasn’t Ned Stark’s way.”
Hint #1 tonight. Pay attention show watchers.
Selyse – “I should have given you a son.”
A divorce would have been better.
“I gave you nothing but weakness and deformity.”
She looks over at their daughter Shireen, but Stannis just stares at Selyse in disappointment.
Melisandre – “Those scars mean nothing to the Lord of Light.”
(All that matters is what’s on the inside and how big a fire their body’s produce when I burn them.)
Stannis – “We must march on Winterfell soon to beat the snows of winter.”
Are we sure winter is coming? Jon does know nothing after all.
Jon signs letters to recruit men into the
army Night’s Watch.
Those suspiciously look like typed letters…but if someone in the studio wrote those, good job.
Not cool Sam, asking for help from the Boltons when Roose slaughtered Jon’s brother. Maybe just forge his signature on that one.
Stannis should have started with sending this hot read head to seduce Jon.
Mel – “Come with us to Winterfell.”
Jon – “I swore a vow. I can’t partake in wars.”
4 episodes in and no mention of White Walkers…that’s a good reason to stay at the wall too.
Mel – “Come, let me show you what you’re fighting for.”
A girl worth fighting for?
Jon – “You’re going to show me some vision in the fire?”
Oh she’ll show you something. A shout to this actress, thank you for continuing to show boobs.
“Do you feel my heart beating?”
Watch out Jon, Olly might shoot this redhead in the heart too!
“You always say winter is coming, why not let me help you do the same?”
That’s what she should have said.
“Sex has the power to make light… to cast shadows.”
Shadow baby part 2?! Do it!
Jon – “What would Stannis think?”
Mel – “Who do you think sent me here?”
Jon – “I can’t. I swore a vow.”
Mel – (Oh honey, I’m not buying that lie at all.)
Jon – “I still love Ygritte.”
He may be the first person to resist Mel’s boobs.
Mel – “You know nothing Jon Snow.”
Jon – (Why do hot redheads keep telling me that?! I know things!)
Daddy has to rule the 7 Kingdoms, now run along Shireen.
Stannis – “My father used to tell me that boredom indicates a lack of inner resources.”
Shireen – “Were you bored a lot too?”
Unintentional burn! Good one Shireen.
Stannis – “I know Castle Black isn’t a place for a child.”
It’s no live burning that’s for sure.
Shireen – “I like it here. I know mother didn’t want to bring me though.”
Stannis – “Why would you think that?”
Because her mother has never wanted to bring her anywhere ever.
Shireen – “She told me I don’t want to bring you.”
Why am I not surprised?
“Are you ashamed of me father?”
10 second pause
Not off to a good start.
In a touching backstory that wasn’t in the books, a Dornish trader sold a doll to Stannis that infected his daughter with greyscale. People advised Stannis to send his infant daughter to live with the stonemen and die. Hopefully those people were the first to get burned when Mel came.
Stannis – “They told me you should’ve died, but it was my rightful duty to have you as my heir… You were the princess of House Baratheon, and you are my daughter.”
Shireen – “Dad… you are my father!”
I wrote this on May 4th I swear!
Stannis – (Hug? What is hug?)
So there is a heart in this iron man…these are good additions to the show and it didn’t feel like forced exposition either.
Sansa explores the crypts underneath Winterfell and picks up a feather Robert placed on Lyanna’s statue in the pilot, a cute callback. Lyanna Stark…now there’s a name I haven’t heard in a very long time. Star Wars day!
Littlefinger – “Did I mention I was friend’s with your mother when I was a kid? Because we were best friends and she loved me more than your father. Trust me!!!”
He goes on to explain the great tourney at Harrenhal. Basically it was a grand tournament before Robert’s Rebellion. Rhaegar, the prince and heir to the Mad King, beat Barristan the Bold in the finals and instead of declaring his wife the Queen of Love and Beauty he honored Lyanna…this pissed off Robert, all the Starks, and the Martells. He basically hit on someone’s fiancee in front of his wife and the kingdom. This may not have triggered the war, but it planted the seeds for it.
Littlefinger – “How many tens of thousands had to die because Rhaegar chose your aunt?”
Sansa – “He chose her, and then he kidnapped her, and raped her.”
Littlefinger thinks otherwise…hint #2.
Littlefinger – “Let’s speak somewhere the dead can’t hear us.”
But they still stay down in the crypts…
Littlefinger – “Oh, by the way, I’m leaving you. Good luck with Ramsay. Don’t worry, Stannis will save you. Probably. I’d bet my money on Stannis and I’m literally betting your life and happiness on it too. If Stannis is defeated then you marry Ramsay, a fine lad. Probably.”
This is seriously his plan? He’s leaving so much up to chance. Show Littlefinger is a dumbass.
“You learned to maneuver from the very best.”
Who? Cersei? Certainly not him.
Sansa – “I expect I’ll be a married woman by the time you return…”
She’s already married to Tyrion…
Littlefinger wouldn’t give two shits about what Cersei thinks about him or his plans in the books and would never leave Sansa, his jewel and secret love, in such a vulnerable position.
Jaime can’t row because his metal hand is just for show…add it to the list of things he can’t do. They sleep on the beach and Jaime nearly gets bitten by snake… they cannot stress enough that Dorne has snakes.
Bronn – “That would have been a shit way to die.”
It’s funny cause Jaime’s dad died on the shitter!
Jaime doesn’t eat his burnt snake breakfast, but Bronn digs right in.
Jaime – “How would you like to die?”
Bronn – “In my own keep watching my sons grovel over my fortune.”
Pretty much what Tywin wanted.
Bronn – “How would you want to go?”
Jaime – “In the arms of the woman that I love.”
Hey, we got another gay guy here Faith Militant! Gaaaaay.
Bronn – “She want the same thing?”
Tyrion answered this question perfectly with, “In my own bed, at the age of 80, with a belly full of wine and a girl’s mouth around my cock.” All other answers are inadequate in comparison. Sadly most of the characters in A Game of Thrones likely won’t make it to 80, but a dark horse contender with an outside chance is Hot Pie. He’s still alive and well cooking somewhere in the Riverlands. Hopefully he’ll to 80 and pass down his widely prosperous hot pie empire to his successor ,Hot Muffin, and gracefully die in his own bed with a belly full of hot pie and a hot pie wrapped around his cock…like a Westerosi version of American Pie.
Bronn – “The ship captain is totally gonna rat you out.”
Jaime – “But I gave him a bag of gold.”
A bag of gold buys a mans silence for a time, but a quiver to the throat holds it forever.
Bronn – “I’m not sure you understand just how much people hate your family.”
Ironically, I like most of the Lannister characters and I think many fans do too.
A group of Dornish scouts find their trail and the duo hide in the most visible hiding spot ever… maybe ask that Son of the Harpy who hid in a wall for some tips.
Bronn – “Morning lads, glad we found you.”
Classic Bronn trying the old switcheroo.
Dornish Guy – “Who are you?”
Bronn – “I’m Cooper and this is Darnell.”
Those don’t even sound like Game of Throne names! And I will quote this line in my lifetime and no one will understand it.
Jaime – “Yeah, I thought the sharks would get us.”
Oh this is just classic Darnell.
Dornish Guy – “There are no sharks in Dorne.”
Yeah not literally obviously, he meant in the ocean… Are there only snakes in Dorne? Things that can kill you in Dorne, not sharks. I’m taking them off the list of dangerous animals in Dorne.
Cooper – “Dolphins maybe.”
This conversation is why I’m okay with the deviation from the books. It’s pure gold, excuse me, pure Tywin Lannister shit.
They start fighting and Bronn takes out two of them in an instant. He should carry more knives, he’d be able to kill everyone if he brought 4 knives. He knocks the 3rd rider off his horse.
Cooper – “That one should be slow enough.”
Finding humor at every chance he can get, this is why I love him.
I’m glad Jaime isn’t a good fighter, he just barely manages to win over his opponent with his “useless” hand saving him at the last second. Eww, he wipes his butt with that hand. I’m adding catching a sword to his list of positive things he can do with that hand, it may be the only thing on that list.
Cooper – “You had a wonderful teacher.”
The bar has been set, this is the best line of the season.
“Always wanted a Dornish stallion, they can ride day and night without tiring.”
Just like Dornish women then.
Darnell – “We have to bury the bodies, but I can’t dig so you’ll have to dig all four graves.”
Why’d he have to kick his opponent down that hill then? Not cool Darnell.
Add shovel digging to the list of things he can’t do.
Alright they got the fighting out of the way, when does the fucking part begin?
So I guess Ellaria is the mother of Tyene now…okay. I’m assuming it’s because they didn’t cast any other Sand Snakes, there are 8 in the books, but are we really supposed to believe that Oberyn “Fuck Everything that Moves” Martell only has three children?
Ellaria – “We must avenge Oberyn ourselves.”
Obara – “We don’t have an army.”
But you guys have snakes! That’s good enough.
Ellaria – “We don’t need an army to start a war.”
Stark contrast with how Jaime doesn’t want to start a war.
Nymeria uses a whip to reveal Jaime’s former ship captain buried in sand. That’s all of her character development, she can use a whip. These three girls are better at digging than Jaime Lannister. They were torturing this ship captain because…he told them about Jaime? Seems like they should have rewarded him…
Ellaria – “He’s coming for Myrcella, if he gets to her before us we lose our only chance for revenge.”
They could probably just kill Jaime to start a war too. They don’t have to kill Myrcella now.
“Doran’s way and peace, or my way and war.”
My way or the highway… a highway littered with snakes.
I felt like the introduction of the Sand Snakes was very underwhelming.
Obara tells a story that her family has probably heard a hundred times already. I liked this minor backstory in the books, but this felt so forced. And may the force be with you. May 4th! Get it now?
Obara – “I made my choice long ago.”
Me too, I choose not to run!
Sweet javelin toss girl.
Tyrion sings through his mouth gag and Jorah decides to take it out to shut him up…logical.
Tyrion – “So is there wine provided during this kidnapping?”
You’d think him and Cersei would be better friends when they have much so in common.
“Westeros is west, but we’re going wEast.”
Jorah – “I’m taking you to queen Daenerys.”
It’s ironic because he was already going there with Varys!
He figures out who Jorah is and his entire situation…a clever way for exposition and for those who need a refresher on what Jorah’s been doing.
Tyrion – “I was drunk during most of the small council meetings, but it’s all coming back.”
He wasn’t there during Season 1 when that went down though…
Jorah – (Maybe that humming wasn’t so annoying after all.)
Tyrion – “You think Daenerys will execute me and pardon you? I’d say the reverse is just as likely.”
He’s Reverse Flash?!
Jorah punches Tyrion in the face…but doesn’t even tip him the 2 courtesy coins afterwards. Jorah plays the game of faces at an advanced level.
Barristan – “You’re brother loved to sing to the people.”
Did he also love giving people fair trials?
“I made sure no one killed him.”
Well uh, this is awkward cause he got killed…while Barristan was with him later.
“And I collected the money after he sang.”
Dany – “He was good? Viserys told me he was good at killing people.”
He was better at winning tournaments.
Barristan – “He preferred singing to killing.”
So we learn a little more about Rhageal and he seems like a pretty decent dude according to Barry. This is hint #3 for you savvy show watchers.
Daenerys – “What’d you do with the money?”
He either gave it back to the people like classic Robin Hood or used it on booze like realistic Robin Hood. This is why I don’t give money to singers on the street, I know they’re all royalty in disguise.
Daario – “I think I can protect her from Hizdahr zo Loraq. I can do it alone.”
But he said there were 50 others besides him… can he protect her from all of them? Also I thought Hizadahr was on her small council? He still has to ask requests from her during public forums? Harsh Dany.
Daenerys – “Go Ser Barristan, sing a song for me.”
It was her brother that sang, was she not paying attention at all?
Hizdahr – “All men must die, but not all can die in glory.”
Valar Morghulis, but non Glorus Morghulis.
He wants her to reopen the fighting pits, the people are not entertained and the Sons of the Harpy take to killing in the streets in protest.
Brothels are dangerous this episode and the Second Sons get killed very easily. It’s that same whore from earlier that helped killed almost grey worm in episode one. Fuck her, I mean no one has literally despite her being a prostitute, but I hope her character gets her comeuppance. As much as this is an ambush on the Unsullied, can’t they leave out the door they just came in? I still think the Unsullied should win against these guys easy. They are the best soldiers in the world and they’re facing untrained soldiers in robes armed with knives, but no, they don’t go into formation and the Harpy slit necks like no one’s business. Grey Worm gets stabbed after taking out 10 guys, impressive, but the other Unsullied don’t really do anything.
Barristan hasn’t worn armor since taking it off in King’s Landing Season 1. Maybe he’s still embarrassed. One of if not the strongest swordsman in Westeros goes down to these guys? Guys with t-shirts and knives… I’m a little disappointed he died to the Sons of the Harpy. Cakes don’t bite back, he couldn’t carve through them. I’m guessing Grey Worm is still alive next episode, but Barristan is probably dead despite still being alive in books!