Game of Thrones Recap: Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken

a game of guess who

Unbowed, unbent, unbroken are the words of House Martell and it seems appropriate that this season’s lamest story in the show emulates the title of the weakest episode in the season. It took me too long to realize that the introduction animation of Sunspear is labeled as Dorne, the equivalent of labeling Winterfell as the North. They’ve made changes with the Winterfell animation every season to reflect the damage its undergone, but the harpy atop of the Meereen pyramid is still sitting there… I’ve read the books, but I won’t spoil anything by bringing up new material for show watchers, but I will make references to the book. There will be spoilers for this episode though, duh.

Every episode Arya has appeared in this season has also lead off with her story. Arya has moved on from Philosophy 101 and is now taking Physical Therapy 101. Both courses are prerequisites for her bachelors in assassination. Some faceless men who’s faces aren’t shown take the cleaned corpse to the beyond section after it’s been bedded and bathed. After spending weeks sweeping the floors, she then spends a few more weeks cleaning corpses before asking her next question…
Arya – “When do I get to play the game?”
The game of thrones?! But she’s left the playing field…or has she?
The Waif – “You tried already, you failed.”
When you play a game of faces you either win or you don’t play again. There is no middle ground.
The Waif starts a game of faces exposition monologue. I believe what she says here is pretty much the truth in the books, with a few variations that could be her lying or the show going off book again because why not change everything. Basically she offered a life of servitude in exchange for the life of her step mom. Next time she should ask her fairy godmother for help, instead of a lifetime of servitude she would have only been held accountable till midnight.
The Waif – “Was that true or a lie?”
Arya – “…Wut?”
game of faces round 2
(I thought we were bonding, are you telling me I could have slapped you and I missed out on it?!)
The loser of the game has to clean dead bodies while the winner gets to sweep the floors in the dimly lit room with the death water fountain…no one wins.

I’m actually sort of surprised assassins in training get blankets and a bed, I thought they slept on swords or something badass like that. Jaqen surprises Arya in her room with a game of faces, far from the worst consequence when a super assassin visits your room in the middle of the night. She left the Hound to die in the mountains…I’m just realizing the irony in that, his brother was the Mountain and he hated his brother.
Arya – “I wanted him to suffer, I hated him.”
Jaqen slaps her three times for that lie. She liked him all along, I knew it!
Jaqen H’ghar – “Does a girl truly want to be no one?”
Arya – “Yes.”
She gets slapped again! I want her to remain Arya Stark, but steal the abilities of the faceless men and head back to Westeros and get revenge on everyone. Leaving the faceless men probably isn’t the wisest decision though, but I don’t want her absorbed into this cult.
Arya – “I’m not playing this stupid game anymore!”
Jaqen – “We never stop playing.”
And I’ll never stop watching…the game of faces, also known as Guess Who on crack.

jorah, also unsatisfied

Jorah constantly checks his greyscale like someone who keeps checking the refrigerator for food when they’re hungry, the situation hasn’t changed, but maybe your expectations are lower. I should really cut off my hand = I could eat bread with ketchup. Just cut off your hand J-Bear!
Tyrion – “We can’t live on berries and roots forever.”
Jorah can survive off berries and roots because he’s a bear. If Tyrion was truly desperate he’d smash some berries and let it ferment a couple weeks to get wine. He should boil some up and cure Jorah’s greyscale while he’s at it. Tyrion complains that Jorah is the worst traveling companion he’s ever had, but I’d debate Caitlin Stark was much worse. He didn’t get along with Varys earlier either. If you meet one asshole on your way to Meereen then they’re an asshole, if you meet two assholes on your journey then maybe you’re the asshole.
Jorah – “Do you ever shut up?”
Tyrion has a small frame, but a big mouth.
Tyrion – “You never wondered why Tyrion Lannister was at a brothel in Volantis?”
I’m just realizing now that George RR Martin named Volantis after Atlantis…
Jorah – (Uh, you really like prostitutes?)
They talk about Tyrion’s daddy issues.
Tyrion – “I killed my father…He was fucking the woman I loved.”
Jorah – (I should have done that to Daario.)
Then they talk about Jorah’s daddy issues. Jorah didn’t know about his father’s death, but at least now he inherits the family Valyrian steel sword Longclaw, it’s not like his dad would give it away to some bastard after a couple weeks of knowing him. Surely.
Tyrion – “Your father was a good man. His men loved and respected him.”
Jorah – “How did he die?”
Tyrion – “Uh…now these are only rumors, but he was murdered by his own men.”
Maybe talk about his other qualities next time instead of the most ironic ones.

sorry j bear, your pa bear dead

Arya is scrubbing the floors when a man and his daughter enter, she scrubs harder.
This little girl suffers every day of her life and after exhausting all other options her father wants to give her the gift of mercy.
Arya – (You want someone to kill your daughter?)
Checks over her shoulder to make sure she has the authority to do this.
Now’s not the time to ask for a manager, girl!, go after your first faceless man confession!
Dying Girl – “I’m dying.”
Arya – “I used to be like you, I was sick, I was dying, but my father loved me and saved me.”
But she’s going to die, her father didn’t love her enough.
“The water healed me. Drink.”
Looks like she can win the game of faces when it’s a dying little girl, Jaqen is impressed.
The mystery door leading to the beyond section remains open this time. It leads to more fireplaces and dark hallways… why am I not surprised? Eventually she arrives in a giant room full of faces. It would be eerie if the lighting was actually helpful and I could see all the faces. Donating your body to the House of Black and White is equivalent to donating your body to science in this universe.
Jaqen – “Is a girl ready to change faces?”
I’m just glad the face she’s touching didn’t suddenly open its eyes.
“A girl is not ready to become no one, but she’s ready to become someone.”
No one > someone…somehow.
faces, lots of faces

Tyrion – “Why do you like Daenerys so much? Didn’t your family fight for Robert?”
Jorah – “I saw her naked in a fire. Super hot, and I’m not talking about the fire.”
He claims dragons singing made him less of a cynic, but those were babies, they were crying…
Tyrion – “Doesn’t mean she’s going to be a great queen.”
She hasn’t been so far.
“Let’s assume your dreams come true, she’s ecstatic when you bring her this enemy dwarf…”
Saying it out loud does make this plan sound farfetched.
“She sits on the iron throne, hooray, long live the queen, then what?”
Jorah – (Uh, she’ll finally be in love with me.)
Tyrion – “A woman that hasn’t spent a single day in Westeros becomes queen, that’s justice?”
He’s making good points.
Slavers came ashore for water and stumble upon Tyrion and Jorah… on this hill in the middle of nowhere with no water in sight very far from where they anchored… but I don’t know enough about water excursions to claim if this is bogus or not. They jorah, look into my eyes!want to kill Tyrion.
Mr. Slaver – “Cut his throat, then his cock.”
Well it could have been worse buddy; the order could have been reversed.
Mr Slaver – “A dwarf’s cock has magic powers.”
I heard that it was only magic if one sucks it.
Tyrion – “How would he know it’s a dwarf cock?!”
Slaver – “It would be a dwarf-sized cock.”
Is this their first time selling dwarf cock? Amateurs.
Tyrion – “Guess again!”
Is he playing the game of faces version of Guess Who too?
Mr Slaver – “The dwarf lives until we find a cock merchant.”
Are they trying to tell me there’s more than one cock merchant? Do cock merchants have a room similar to the faceless men’s wall of faces, except with cocks? Just endless pillars of different cocks… the faceless men could get into the cock selling business and make a killing.
I bet Jorah’s glad Tyrion has a big mouth now because Tyrion convinces the slavers to take them to Meereen instead of Volantis. Jorah is old, not as old as 60 though, and he was a good fighter, but Barristan was a better fighter and he lost to some men with knives. Not bitter about his death at all. How impressed with Jorah can they be if he just lost to them in a fight?
Mr Slaver – “Jousting? A silly game for silly people.”
Not as silly as the game of faces, and that’s played by super assassins.
Jorah – “Take me to Slavers Bay, put a sword in my hand, and I’ll prove my worth.”
Big guy like him? He should be fine, maybe slap some armor on him because that’s how he beat the Dothraki screamer. I would have lied and said I killed Khal Drogo.

Littlefinger walks through the city with two guards…where are his Knights of the Vale?
Lancel – “Lord Baelish, you’re being arrested for being a creepy pedophile.”
My opinion would turn 180° if the Faith Militant arrested him. They also ransacked his brothel last episode, but they just intimidate him here.
Lancel – “The Faith Militant don’t take kindly to flesh peddlers.”
Littlefinger – “We both pedal fantasies brother, mine just happen to be entertaining.”
I think HBO agrees with him too. Lancel isn’t the leader of the Faith Militant in the books and this interaction never happens. Lancel had sex with Cersei, incest is frowned upon, and you can be sure the High Sparrow knows or will know.

Littlefinger – “Do you think it’s wise arresting the heir of High Garden?”
Cersei – “It wasn’t me, the Faith did that.”
Littlefinger – (Girl, everyone knows it was you. Just stop.)
“I’m the insulted party, Loras was promised to me and instead chooses the company of boys.”
Littelfinger – “One’s choice of companion is a curious thing.”
He “incests” he’s on her side, but maybe he just came back to King’s Landing to make fun of her.

cerei and littlefinger in love

Cersei – “Lysa Arryn for instance, repellant woman…forgive me, I know your still in mourning.”
He hated her too so this isn’t really an insult.
Littelfinger – “Lysa was…a good woman. Kind.”
Don’t sell her short, she had a killer personality.
Cersei – “She was neither of those things, we both know it.”
She was a woman…
“Will the knights of the Vale fight for their king?”
Is this all she had to ask? This is face-to-face talk?! It’s pretty much just Stannis now right? She’s hurting her alliance with the Tyrells, but forging an alliance with the more trustworthy Littlefinger, a man that has double-crossed the person of every alliance he’s formed.
Littlefinger – “I have something so urgent to tell you I couldn’t trust the words to a raven.”
More like he knew Roose would read the letter.
“Sansa is at Winterfell.”
His sources are well placed because he’s the source! If her note found Littlefinger in Winterfell surely she knows about him being in Winterfell too?! He’ll send his Knights of the Vale to take over a weakened Winterfell in exchange for Cersei naming him Warden of the North.
Cersei – “Kill Sansa too.”
There’s no way he’d kill Sansa, but he’s okay with leaving her in the hands of a psychopath. Littlefinger never leaves the Vale in the books because on top of that kingdom he has the Riverlands and Sansa, so basically the North. He has 3 of the 7 kingdoms and the Tyrells owe him a favor with the whole killing Joffrey fiasco, he’s in a great situation. He doesn’t need to be given the title Warden of the North from Cersei, a person in power he doesn’t respect or believe in.

trystane and myrcella in love

Trystane Martell’s outfit looks girlier than Myrcella’s dress. Don’t drink the water from the water gardens! After the death fountain in the House of Black and White I wouldn’t trust any fountain. The gardens in King’s Landing have more paramount conversations than Romeo and Juliet flirting.
Doran – “A Lannister and a Martell…do you have any idea how dangerous that is?”
Does he just watch these kids make out all day?…
“You haven’t had to use that axe for a long time, I hope you remember how.”
Stop calling his spear an axe! I always pictured him with a giant executioner style axe and I don’t mind his spear, but that’s not an axe.
Hotah – “I remember how.”
I can’t wait until he starts twirling his spear while the camera cuts on him 10 different times…

The Dornishman’s Wife! We officially have three songs in Westeros and I believe Bronn has sang all of them at one point.
Bronn – “What’s next after we rescue her?”
Jaime – “I like to improvise.”
What are things said by the writers of this show?
Bronn – “That explains the golden hand.”
Sneaking into Sunspear is very easy…They just join a random caravan and enter the capital of Dorne and the Water Gardens no problem.

Sand Snakes – “Unbowed, unbent, unbroken. For Oberyn.”
Now let’s go steal an innocent girl! The exact opposite thing Oberyn would want…
They leave this dark hallway and walk right into the Water Gardens…the security shouldn’t be this bad. Elleria stays there because…she’s useless? She can’t help with this kidnapping? The Sand Snakes wear masks for about 5 seconds before taking them off…

sand snakes...give them more scenes! they don't stink at all

Both groups thought kidnapping Myrcella during broad daylight was the best way to go? Really?!
Team Jaime and Bronn arrive first. Trystane notices blood on Bronn’s clothes, they had time to bury four bodies, but not enough time to wash the clothes in the ocean behind them?
Bronn – “Let’s not do something stupid.”
He’s talking directly to the writers here.
He punches this kid in the face and Myrcella freaks out. The Sand Snakes arrive and we get perhaps the worst choreographed and cinematic fight scene yet. Quick cuts and spear twirling! That’s exactly what I wanted more of, confusing and non exciting fight scenes! Whip Sand Snake uses a whip, one twirls her spear a bunch of times, and the last one has two weird daggers. Bronn was able to take out 3 Dornish scouts on horseback in an instant, but isn’t able to take out any of these girls now because…where’s that knife Bronn? That’s your best weapon!
Why are their boob breastplates so emphasized? Bronn gets cut by the weird dagger, but who brings poisoned weapons to a rescue mission? Probably these idiots…
The battle is interrupted by Hotah, was this a trap? Was this why security was so bad?…They sure took their sweet time stopping this fight though.
Obara Sand – “I am Obara Sand, daughter of Oberyn Martell!”
WE KNOW! EVERYONE KNOWS!

hey is that obara sand? maybe if she introduced herself more I'd know what her name was
“I fight for Dorne, who do you fight for?”
He fights for Dorne, she fights for “Oberyn.”
Hotah – “Drop your weapons.”
Just one snake…kill whip girl, no one will miss her.
Bronn – “You fight pretty good for a little girl.”
“Well.” – Stannis.
Elleria gets captured shortly after…she waited in that hallway the whole time…
(Yeah, my plan totally sucked didn’t it…)

The Queen of Thornes can smell the shit from King’s Landing 5 miles away. They stop here so she can make this funny line.
Queen of Thornes – “If they arrested all the pillow biters in King’s Landing there’d be no more room in the dungeons for anyone else.”
Would there be any pillows to bite in the dungeons though?
She goes off to deal with Cersei.

Cersei does her best Tywin impression.
Queen of Thornes – “Put the pen down dear, we both know you aren’t writing anything.”
Yeah, but it looks cool.
Cersei – “Ah yes, the famously tart tongued Queen of Thornes.”
I thought this show was rated M for mature, not E for everyone. Tart. Really?!
Queen of Thornes – “And the famous tart, Queen Cersei.”
Cersei’s actually offended by this.

will the real queen please stand up, please stand up
Queen of Thornes – “Give me Loras back you bitch.”
Basically what she says.
Cersei – “The Lannister/Tyrell alliance brought peace to this country, do you really want to see this country slide back into warfare?”
This is a paper-thin defense. House Tyrell has the largest army in Westeros and they’re the main food supplier to King’s Landing. House Lannister has a smaller army and a dried up gold mine. Smart move Cersei. Why wouldn’t Olenna just wreck everything with all the power she has when the heir of High Garden is taken? She could easily wipe out the Faith Militant, but I guess it’s not the best PR move.
Olenna- “I respected your father, even though he was a cunt. He understood teamwork.”
Cersei – “House Lannister has no rival.”
Just a bunch of enemies.
“I’m sure Loras will be fine; it’s only a small hearing. Excuse me, I have more fake letters to write.”
The Queen of Thornes regrets not poisoning all the Lannisters.

Loras actually seems skinnier. How long has he been in jail?
High Sparrow – “So…are you gay?”
Loras – “No. I was just Renly’s good friend, but I’m loyal to House Lannister now, I fought for them during the Battle of Blackwater.”
High Sparrow – “Wearing Renley’s armor.”
That was a tactical move, not a gay one. Stannis’ men thought it was Renly’s ghost, remember most of his men switched sides from Renly’s camp after the shadow baby incident, and wearing his armor inspired some men to switch sides and some men to flee in fear.
Loras – “I’m not gay! My nickname is only the Knight of the Flowers because my House sigil is a flower, but that’s not my choice. That’s something I was born with.”
The Faith calls Margaery forward so they can arrest her later after she lies under oath.
Olyvar, the only gay prostitute in Westeros, testifies against Loras.
“I squired for him and I’m a prostitute, so I’m trustworthy.”
This guy doesn’t die for admitting he’s gay too?
Cersei – “This testimony is a great insult to a great house.”
Smooth Cersei. No way they suspect you now.

literally they're all thinking we hate cersei
“Why take the word of a squire over the heir of High Garden?”
Good point, maybe because Loras gets angry?
Apparently because Olyvar knows of Loras’ birthmark on his upper thigh it confirms his testimony… they don’t even confirm if he actually has this birthmark because… they would seem gay if they did so? Squires literally dress their knights and there are numerous other explanations for seeing that birthmark, this isn’t enough evidence. Margaery is also taken because a squire’s word is more important than the Queen’s… If I were Loras I’d demand a trial by combat, the Faith Militant don’t seem scary to me. Tommen doesn’t do anything…this is another moment he should have channeled his inner Joffrey.The Queen of Thornes is pissed.

Sansa – “You’re not the old lady that usually comes.”
Myranda washes the dye out of Sansa’s hair.
Myranda – “I shouldn’t gossip, but I wouldn’t be surprised if you got hunted by Ramsay.”
How did Littlefinger not know about Ramsay?…Maybe he just didn’t care.
Sansa – “And how long have you loved him? Did I ruin your happily ever after?”
She’s not a bystander to tragedy anymore! Sweet burn Sansa.
Sansa – “Do you know who I am? I’m Sansa Stark. This is my home and you can’t frighten me.”
Loving this Sansa. Let’s end the episode with this scene.

Sansa looks beautiful in her wedding gown and… dire wolf pelt? Was that her former dire wolf?!
Reek – “Please take my arm…he’ll punish me if you don’t.”
Sansa – “Do you think I care what he does to you?”
Her revenge train is gaining steam!
This is her wedding night, now’s the time to light the candle in the broken tower and get the old lady to rally the people of Winterfell and kill the Boltons at this wedding, for that sweet irony!
Theon almost forgets his name when he gives Sansa away, but otherwise the marriage in the godswood went off without a hitch.
Roose – “Are there any objections to this wedding?”
I object!

the worst ending ever

And now I’m really starting to get nervous here…
Ramsay – “My father said you’re still a virgin.”
Sansa – “Yes.”
Tyrion was kind to her.
Ramsay – “Why?”
Is he hitting on her? He’s not used to this kind of hitting on women.
“Afraid of dwarves?”
She’s afraid of cock merchants.
“Don’t lie to me, that would be a bad way to start a marriage.”
Rape on the other hand, great way to start a marriage.
“Take off your clothes. No no no, you stay here Reek, you watch.”
Besides more poor fight scenes I really wanted more rape scenes! Thanks Benioff and Weiss!
“Do I need to ask a second time? I hate asking a second time.”
Kill him Sansa! Do you have a dagger up your sleeve?! Stop being a bystander to tragedy! Theon, kill him! One of you do something!
“You’ve known Sansa since she was a girl…now watch her become a woman.”
Yeah, let’s make this rape even more awkward.
Ripping her dire wolf pelt has some cool angel wing symbolism. Theon has to watch… I felt like this scene was unnecessary. We already know Ramsay is a psychopath and they had to consummate the wedding…do it behind a closed door. This was done for shock value and the bath scene would have been a better final ending because Sansa would have left off on a strong note instead of coming off as a victim again.

no one enjoyed this scene

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