Game of Thrones Recap: Hardhome

run away! white walkers

This episode diverged from the book in many aspects but it’s still easily the best episode of Season 5. Usually episode 9 is the climatic battle scene, but it appears they nudged it up to episode 8. I’ve read the books, but I won’t spoil anything by bringing up new material for show watchers, but I will make references to the book. There will be spoilers for this episode though, duh.

Jorah – “Your Grace, I want to say-”
Daenerys – “You will not speak.”
She needs someone to replace Barristan, just forgive Jorah bear already.
“How do I know who you say you are?”
Uh, I don’t want to be offensive here, but 7 Gods just look at him Khaleesi! Of course he’s the Imp!
“If you are Tyrion Lannister why shouldn’t I kill you?”
Because she can sell him to a cock merchant and make a fortune!
Tyrion – “I killed my mother on the day I was born and killed my father with a bolt to the heart.”
Dany killed her mother in labor too and honestly that shouldn’t even count as “murdering” his mother. Also Tyrion 100% shot his dad in the stomach and not the heart.
Tyrion – “I am the greatest Lannister killer of our time.”
He should have taken credit for killing Joffrey too, I mean he was accused and found “guilty” during his trial, he could potentially boast of three kills here.
Dany – “So I should welcome you into my service because you murdered your own family?”
He’d fit right in with her then! She allowed her brother to be killed and technically killed her own mother, baby, and husband.
Tyrion – “Your grace, it’s too soon to know if you deserve my service.”
Jorah’s reaction to Tyrion’s quip is my favorite part of this strong scene.
Jorah – (Hey that’s Khaleesi you’re talking to! You were supposed to be a gift!)
Tyrion – “Killing and politics aren’t always the same thing.”
There’s only a strong correlation.
Daenerys – “So you want to advise me? Very well, what should I do with him?”
Tyrion – (I bet he regrets punching me now!)
“He’s no longer the man that was once spying on you. He’s deeply in love with you and I suspect would do anything for you.”

jorah of the many faces
Jorah – (Is he sticking up for me? Is it working?! I love you Khaleesi! Look at me!)
Tyrion – “He did not trust that you would be wise enough to forgive him.”
And he was right…
Daenerys – “So I should kill him?”
7 Gods she’s insane.
Tyrion recommends banishing Jorah from the city…again. Despite not being the nicest traveling companion, Jorah saved Tyrion from drowning and now with Tyrion saving Jorah here they should be considered even. After being escorted out of the city Jorah checks his greyscale, AGAIN! Yes it’s still there Jorah and it’s probably better you don’t stay around Dany when you’re contaminated with greyscale. I still think he’ll get banished a third time.

cersei crayWith Cersei captive by the Faith all the Lannister siblings have been in prison at some point during the show. I think there’s a bed in that cell, but both Margaery and Cersei insist on sitting on the floor…
Septon – “Confess.”
Cersei – “I want to talk with my son-”
Cersei is introduced to a game of faces, but this septon should be careful, Cersei plays games very seriously. She either wins the game or complains that everyone else is cheating.

Meanwhile Arya has advanced to the intermediate level of a game of faces.
Someone – “When I was eight I begged enough money to buy my first bucket of oysters. And I sold that bucket and made enough money to buy two more.”
Wait, she sold one bucket to buy two more buckets? Just keep selling those buckets for infinite profit girl! Who told her to do this anyway? There’s no one else down by the docks selling oysters?
“Every morning I make my way down to the canals.”
A cat runs by her when she says this line, a cute nod to book readers because she’s called this character Cat of the Canals in the books. Not sure why they changed it to “Lana” here. Arya looks like the cleanest beggar girl in the world, is she spending all her money on showers? Arya offers oysters by the ocean right next to rival Sally selling her seashells by the seashore.
cat of the canals oystersArya – “What will she do there?”
Jaqen – “A girl will see.”
I honestly don’t know how Arya accomplishes anything in the House of Black in White when all she gets are cryptic responses from everyone. Apparently Jaqen wants Arya to kill a corrupt insurance salesman. Lucky she ran into him.
Jaqen – “A girl will return to the docks, she will learn as much about him as she knows about herself. And then give him the gift.”
…Why not just kill him outright? Why learn about him at all? She’s excited for her first homework assassination.
The Waif – “She’s not ready.”
No one is ever ready their first time, but it always works out.
Jaqen – “If she’s not ready then she’s easily replaceable.”
No one could replace Arya’s spunkiness though!
Arya’s future storyline for this season should include killing this corrupt insurance salesman and killing Meryn Trant. I suspect she’ll bump heads with the waif some more too.

Qyburn – “The trial will take place soon.”
Cersei – “The charges?”
Qyburn – “Fornication, treason, incest, the murder of King Robert, and overall bitchiness.”
Cersei – “All lies.”
Her defense could be that she was drunk the entire time…that defense might work in Westeros.
Qyburn – “Of course your Grace, but the Faith doesn’t believe so.”
He doesn’t believe her for a second.
“Pycelle has made Kevan Lannister the Hand of the King.”
That’s probably the smartest thing Pycelle has ever done.
If Tommen hasn’t visit Margaery then he’s probably not going to visit his mom any time soon.
Qyburn – “There is a way to get out…”
Cersei – “Confess? I like invented him, you know? Fuck Shoeless Sparrow Jackson.”
She has no plans on how she’s getting out of this. She’s screwed.

Theon – (Hopefully Sansa’s still asleep and totally forgot about yesterday.)
Walks into the room and Sansa’s glaring at him
Reek forgot that the North always remembers.

theon and sansa...someones in trouble
Sansa – “Why did you tell him Reek?”
Why did she trust Reek? Can she not see what he’s become?
Theon – “I was helping you. You wanted to escape, there is no escape, not ever.”
He’s trying to help her more than Littlefinger ever did.
“He tied me to a cross and cut Theon up piece by piece.”
Sansa – “Good, if it weren’t for you I’d still have a family.”
I mean her dad, mother, and older brother would have still died…and is Rickon even a loss?
Reek – “I turned on Robb, captured Winterfell, and killed those boys.”
His Ironborn family pushed him to do those things and he’s getting all the blame.
Sansa – “They were your brothers and you killed them!”
Reek – “I just killed random boys, it wasn’t Bran and Rickon!”
Everything’s forgiven then, I’m not even kidding, killing two no name boys means nothing in this universe. He’s basically a saint. What can Sansa do with this newfound information? Sleep a little better at night and…she really can’t do anything with this information right now.

“Our scouts tell us he’s got no more than 6,000 men, but half of them are mounted.”
How can their scouts see through this snowstorm? How close could these scouts get?!
Roose – “Our walls are reinforced and high. We have enough food for 6 months.”
That’s not enough food to last through winter. And they call themselves northerners.
my son is a complete moron“All we have to do is wait for them to freeze, starve, and mutiny.”
They pretty much have this battle won. Poor Stannis never stood a chance.
Ramsay – “I say we hit first and hit hard…and leave a feast for the crows.”
We’re on a Dance with Dragons now, but I guess that one was too tough to work in. If Ramsay leaves Winterfell he’s as good as dead. Please leave.
Roose – “The snow is so deep we couldn’t engage them if we wanted to.”
Seriously, how did their scouts do anything…
Ramsay – “I don’t need an army, I just need 20 good men.”
Who does this guy think he is? Bronn? The only unfortunate outcome to Ramsay leaving would be that Sansa or Theon probably wouldn’t be the ones to kill him. If he leaves Winterfell though I say there’s a good chance he burns alive.

Tyrion finally gets wine! His journey is complete. He poured Dany a glass first, what a gentleman.
Daenerys – “I know the Mad King earned his name.”
She learned that from Barristan 4 episodes ago.
Tyrion – “So, here we sit.”
He’s using Jorah’s house words despite banishing him last scene.
“Reopening the fighting pits and marrying someone you loathe for the greater good, impressive.”
Someone’s trying to brown-nose a certain Khaleesi. And he shouldn’t even have a nose.
“My sister also married someone for the “greater good”, but she ended up having him killed.”
Daenerys – “I could do that with Hizdahr? This is good advice.”
Quickly Tyrion, tell her that marrying her hot sellsword is a good idea too and you’ll live!
Tyrion name drops Varys, but it’s not the smartest idea because she hates Varys. I don’t know when or if he’s going to arrive in Meereen, but I can’t see him going back to his book route now.
Daenerys – “For 20 years the Spider oversaw the campaign to find and kill me.”
Tyrion – “And mysteriously here you stand…I suspect he’s the main reason you didn’t die.”
I wouldn’t trust a man who was the Master of Whisperers, but maybe that’s just me.
“Him and my brother are the only two people in the world I trust.”
Tyrion still has a positive relationship with his brother, but Jaime recently said that the next time he saw Tyrion he’d kill him. Interesting…I know in my heart the two brothers will meet again, the only question is how and who will have the upper hand. Probably not Jaime.
Daenerys – “The brother who killed my father.”
tyrion and dany drinking wine
Another terrible name to drop…honestly I’m not sure why’d she trust him considering his background and family. These two haven’t met in the books, but I feel Tyrion would have to bring more to the table than good advice if book Daenerys were to trust him. She wants him to advise her, and here I thought he bombed the interview section.
Tyrion advises her not to go to Westeros! In the books he wants to meet Dany and use her to return to Westeros as a conquerer, here he’s more of the aloof councillor.
Daenerys – “This is not my home.”
She’s never set foot in Westeros…
Tyrion – “Who will have your back when you arrive home?”
Daenerys – “The common people…”
Tyrion – “Okay, let’s be generous. Here at Slavers Bay you had the support of the common people and only the common people. How did that work out?”
I know the answer! Not good.
“All the great houses won’t back you.”
He conveniently doesn’t mention the Martells or the Ironborn or even the Arryns.
Daenerys – “I’m not going to stop the wheel, I’m going to break the wheel.”
She gives her wheel speech from the season trailer and it’s not as corny as it sounded.

j bear's back...back againJorah – “I’m back.”
What the hell is Bear Terminator doing?
“You said whomever wins will fight in the great pit in front of the queen. I won.”
Does he really think the masked hero ploy is going to work again?!
Slave Master – “You’re a free man, you could have gone anywhere, why did you come back?”
I know right!
Jorah – “Let me fight for her and I belong to you.”
Because his heart belongs to her.

Cersei – “Does bribery work on you?”
Cersei – “Does seduction work on you?”
It couldn’t hurt to at least try.
Cersei – “I assure you your death shall be horrible.”
Her water gets dumped on the ground, and after the septon leaves Cersei drinks the water off the ground…how long has she been in prison? I still don’t feel bad for her.

Gilly – “Does it hurt?”
What are things she said last night for 400 Trebek!
Someone knocks on the door.
Sam – “…Who’s there?”
Because revengeful bullies are really going to be knocking on the door before they attack.
Olly – “Olly.”
Sam – (Oh thank the Old Gods, I could totally take Olly in a fight!) “Come in!”

sam the scardy cat vs olly
Olly – “I heard what happened.”
Sam – “Men brawl from time to time, it’s only natural. And I don’t know what you heard, but I totally won the melee.”
Olly – “Figured you were hungry.”
Subtly calling Sam fat.
“Wildlings killed my village, they slaughtered my family.”
I wonder what Sam’s opinion on wildlings are going to be when he loves Gilly and her son is named after Sam…
Sam – “Not all wildlings are bad. We’ve been fighting them for years.”
Olly – “The one with the red beard led the raid!”
He does make a point…
Sam – “We need all the help we can get against the army of the White Walkers.”
Olly – “What if the wildlings cut our throats as we sleep?”
Just never sleep, problem solved.
Sam – “Sometimes a man has to make hard choices, choices that may look wrong to others, but you know are right in the long run.”
I feel like this advice will be interpreted the wrong way…

and they were the 3 weirdest friends that anyone could have

Only a few wildlings are at Hardhome? Because it looks like everyone is here. Did all of these wildlings escape Stannis? Did Stannis only take Mance as his prisoner?
Tormund – “We should gather the elders.”
Lord of Bones – “Fuck you, traitor.”
Tormund proceeds to beat the living shit out of him and nobody helps the Lord of Bones… I guess he had no friends. I think I’m more disappointed that the bone armor didn’t help him at all. Fun fact, they recast the same actor who played him in Season 2 only to kill him off right away in this scene. If he’s not dead then he at least has a few broken bones…

Jon Snow – “This isn’t about friendship, this is about survival. Together we can beat the White Walkers and as a sign of good faith I brought with me all of our dragon glass weapons. Don’t lose these because without these weapons we can’t beat the White Walkers.”
These are the wildling elders? A Thenn with a scars across his head, an absolute babe wildling, and a giant muttering to himself in the corner. And a bunch of random people, but no one looks too old here. Counting last season there have been three giants shown on screen and now two are idea what her name wasdead…please don’t die giant.
Thenn Elder – “Where is Mance?”
Jon – “He died…”
Thenn Elder – “How?”
Tormund – (Okay, don’t fuck this up crow, just explain the situation and they’ll understand.)
Jon – “I put an arrow through his heart…”
Honesty Stupidity, the Ned Stark way. Like father like son.
Tormund – (Gods damn it Jon Snow, you really know nothing.)
“The arrow was mercy, Mance was being burned alive and what the crow did took mercy.”
Jon – “I’m not asking you to forget your dead. I’m asking you to think about your children now.
Really? The think about the children argument?!
“Only together can we hope to stop them, but if we can’t, we’ll at least give the fuckers a fight.”
Wildling Elders – (Hmm, I like him because he uses foul language, like me.)
Tormund – “He’s prettier than both my daughters.”
He has daughters? I bet he’s hiding his red headed daughters far away from Jon Snow.
Tormund – “But he knows how to fight.”
I thought he knew nothing!
tormund cloneThenn Elder – “My ancestors would spit on me if I broke bread with a crow.”
Thenns eat bread? I thought they only ate man flesh.
Babe Wildling – “So would mine, but fuck them they’re dead.”
That guy looks just like Tormund…is he one of Tormund’s daughters? He’s at least a stunt double. The giant joins them, but the Thenn walks out in disgust.
Babe Wildling – “I fucking hate Thenns.”
Everyone does. And now I like her even more.

Jon – “How many are here? 5,000?”
Tormund – “More than I can count using my fingers and toes.”
He can’t read so I didn’t have high expectations for his prowess in math.
“The free folk are stubborn, it took Mance 20 fucking years to band everyone together.”
Mance banded everyone together in 5 years, but it took an extra 15 years to get the Thenns.
Babe Wildling puts her two kids on a boat.
“I’m right behind you I promise.”
She guaranteed her death now…damn, and I liked her too.
Wun Wun – “The fuck you looking at?”
Edd – (Yeah, they don’t pay me enough for this shit.)
The dogs start howling, the White Walkers are about to attack.
All the Wildlings – (I’ve changed my mind, I’m getting the fuck out of here!)

Why are there so many wildlings outside of the gates? Why wouldn’t they be inside of Hardhome…
They close the gates, leaving many Wildlings to die and eventually become wights. Going off last season, watch it be an army of Craster’s babies knocking on the gates…that would be adorable. Skeleton warriors attack the wooden gate, fuck you Benioff and Weiss, give me giant ice spiders.

go after the other boat, for gods sakes guys
Jon – “Keep a calm and orderly fashion to the boats!”
Yeah this isn’t a fire drill Jon Snow, everyone is panicking.
Many wildlings are jumping into the waters and swimming after the boats. The scene reminds me of the movie Titanic, the successful movie and the unsuccessful boat.
Wildling Babe – “Are you sure my daughters will be okay without you there at the Night’s Watch?”
Jon – “You have my word, I’ve given orders.”
Yeah there’s no chance.
Wildling Babe – “And what happened to the last lord commander again?”
Jon – “…the men mutinied when they didn’t like his orders.”
Jon needs to live if the wildlings want to work together with the Night’s Watch.
Jon – “Night’s Watch with me!”
What are there like a dozen brothers?! How about teaming up with the wildlings now?
I can’t really tell what’s happening, but it seems like the zombies have gotten through and are eating people. It’s still a great fight scene, but it could have benefited from a little less cuts and shaky footage.
shot through the head and he's okay, wights give zombies...a bad nameJon and Tormund team up to patch one hole in the wooden fence…problem solved. A wight had an arrow shot straight through his head and was still moving… I’m not sure what their weakness is besides giant foot smashes, and we see some named characters take out wights with some slashes, but honestly I’m not sure if these wights can die again and I don’t understand what kills these guys besides total destruction. Fire should work, but only after their undead bodies turn to ash.

The fire in the house holding all the dragon glass is extinguished by a White Walker joining the battle. Fire cannot harm the dragon…or the White Walker. Is he really needed down here? The wights seem to be doing a fine job.
Thenn Elder – “Get the glass.”
I like how this guy isn’t an asshole at this moment and teams up with Jon. Of course as soon as I start to like him he dies though. His axe turns to ice and shatters after touching the White Walker’s ice spear. Jon finds the dragon glass, but the White Walker yanks him away from the chest instead of, I don’t know, stabbing him from behind! Jon loses his sword and tries to fight the White Walker fucking barehanded…just one of the worst decisions I’ve ever witnessed. Jon then  tries using a random sword he picked up off the ground after losing Longclaw… of course that sword didn’t work. By my count Jon should have died three times by now.
Jon – (Forget the dragon glass, I need to get the fuck out of here.)
the night king watchethHe grabs his Valyrian steel sword and is able to stop the White Walker’s attack at the last second, to his and the White Walker’s surprise. Jon slashes the White Walker with his Valyrian steel sword and the Walker shatters. I’m not sure if it’s a one touch and they’re dead sort of scenario or if it was a killing slice and that’s just how White Walkers die, but this is new and interesting information. This whole battle sort of happens in the books, but Jon and Tormund aren’t there and we only get one cryptic letter from one of the Night’s Watchmen. On the other hand, did Jon seriously just lose all of their dragon glass? The only other supplies of dragon glass I can think of are at Dragon Stone… and I don’t think Stannis wants to lend out more things.

Night King – (That dashing man killed one of us. I should kill him…after showing off how cool I am.)
If the Night King was a redhead Jon would be able to convince him to come to the good side.
They send in zombie children to kill the cool wildling woman, who didn’t fight back because she has kids and clearly fighting these zombie children would be morally wrong. Honestly, these children wights should be easier to kill than the adult ones, come on girl.
Edd – “Fuck the dragon glass, we’re going to die here!”
I agree with Edd, get the hell out of there!
A bunch of wights jump off the cliff and into Hardhome…why wasn’t this Plan A?
Edd and Jon – (Maybe they all died jumping off the cliff? )

are they dead? again
Wights – (Nah, we’re just fucking with you guys.)
Edd – “Oh fuck, run!”
Wun Wun uses a massive flaming log to swat away the wights, with the way he swings the bat he should be called “Home Wun…” Stop ruining the integrity of the game of killing wights! Check him for steroids after this game, he’s cheating.
With all those people diving into the sea earlier desperate to leave I’m surprised there’s still one boat docked and waiting for the main characters to leave. The boat should have been swarmed.
Live Wun Wun! We need more giants! Jump into the sea!
Wun Wun – (I can’t swim, but Wun Wun keep walking in water anyway.)
White Walker King – (Are you not entertained?)

white walker russel crowe
He’s able to bring back to life all the dead wildlings…except for the Lord of Bones, fuck that guy. I think he’s the only White Walker with this ability because he’s the king and it’s not a universal talent. Back in Season 1 there were two brothers that came back alive and attacked Mormont… how far away does the Night King have to be to bring people back to life?
Jon – (Fuck, this is exactly what I didn’t want to happen.)
They could have really used a dragon glass arrow right now, heck I’d throw a dagger at the Night King right now if they had one, this is probably the best chance they’re going to get… They stop rowing because they are really close to shore… they are not at a safe distance at all. I half expected when the Night King raised his arms for the bay to freeze over and the zombies to chase after the boat. Also if Wun Wun was able to walk in that depth, then these zombies could probably do the same too right?

I love the silence at the end, everyone on that boat knows they’re fucked against this army.
Now the White Walkers will spend an entire season making an art design of dead bodies before finally attacking the Wall.

maybe row row row your boat the fuck out of there


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