Game of Thrones Recap: The Dance of Dragons

people react differently to the games of meereen

I’ve read the books, but I won’t spoil anything by bringing up new material for show watchers, but I will make references to the book. There will be spoilers for this episode though, duh.

Melisandre’s fire senses are tingling and disappointed she didn’t start the fire. You’d think she’d have a resistance to fire. Before Ramsay attacked she gazed into her fire for visions of the future, but when all she saw was fire she thought nothing of it… Apparently Ramsay was able to sneak up on this entire army in the middle of the night and burn down multiple tents, destroy their food supply, kill hundreds of horses, and cause general mayhem undetected because he’s from the North and knows the land better than them… which is ridiculous. I knew it was too good to be true when Ramsay left Winterfell, he should have died, but this psycho can’t be killed.
Stannis – “Capture last night’s guards, either they fell asleep or they conspired with the enemy.”
Discipline reflects leadership. His army is only good at defeating untrained wildlings.
“Find out the truth and then hang them.”
I didn’t see any trees at this campsite, how will the be hanged without trees? They don’t know the land enough to find trees either because they aren’t from the North.
Davos – “Forgive me your grace, I never claimed to be a military man, but things aren’t looking good and we should retreat to Castle Black.”
Their position doesn’t look good, but at least they can eat the horses; Ramsay was kind enough to cook them well done.
please let me back in babe...i love you

This is a cool shot of Jon and the wildlings beyond the Wall and outside the gates, but why the fuck are they at Castle Black, the exact middle of the wall, when they came from Hardhome, the upper east corner past the wall? Where are the boats? Stannis is going to burn Jon if he lost his boats. From a Cartography standpoint their location doesn’t make any sense. Jon’s command is tested here, but Alliser opens the gates for them. From that distance I’m surprised Alliser could see who was standing out there, but then again that glorious hair is hard to miss.

Jon – “I went to save them, I failed.”
The bigger issue here is the massive undead White Walker army heading this way. Maybe gather the men for a White Walker impending doom awareness meeting? Even if they don’t believe Jon or the wildlings, there had to have been some Night’s Watch members that can vouch for his story. Heck, Edd can vouch for him! The other Night’s Watch brothers seem very angry at Jon right now and I can’t blame them too much if Jon doesn’t update them on the situation.
Alliser – “You have a good heart Jon Snow, it’ll get us all killed.”
Ironically even if his good heart gets them all killed Jon will live a long and healthy life because of it…unless Olly’s stern glances are foreshadowing something sinister.

seriously that chess war board can't be too helpful

Stannis – “I’m sending you back to Castle Black.”
Well at least this means Davos will live through this season.
“I didn’t name you my hand for military matters.”
It’s funny because he’s using Davos’ words against him.
“Deliver this letter to Jon Snow and don’t come back empty handed.”
It’s funny because Davos is already literally short-handed.
Davos – “Perhaps princess Shireen and queen Selyse can accompany me.”
Make them like a pair of onions and smuggle them to safety!
Stannis – “My family stays with me.”
He really doesn’t trust the Night’s Watch…what does he have against 9th-born sons?
Davos – “At least let me take Shireen.”
Hopefully Davos senses Stannis giving off Jack Nicholson vibes from The Shining and smuggles Shireen out against his orders. Please save her Davos.
Stannis’s men already look dead…they’re already part of the White Walker army.

Shireen’s reading a Dance of Dragons. Apparently in this version a knight in the story polished his shield for a week so it would become like a mirror when he fought the dragon, but it didn’t work because that trick only works against Medusa.
Davos gives her a wooden stag as a thank you for teaching him how to read, and I know it seems late because she taught him how to read ages ago, but do you know how hard it is to carve a wooden stag with no finger bones?! His son died in a brutal fire and he sees her as his own daughter…everyone he loves dies in a fire! Smuggle her out now Davos! That’s what he’s famous for! Please… He managed to save Gendry, a random bastard to him, but he’s leaving Shireen to die…he has too much faith in Stannis.

be very afraid, we don't take kindly to black dressers, only yellow folk around here

Jaime walks through a beautiful palace, the color of the day seems to be yellow.
Jaime – “How’s your jaw?”
A Lannister always pays his debts…and makes funny quips in enemy territory.
Trystane – “A fleabite.”
Add fleas to the list of animals in Dorne that doesn’t include sharks.
Doran – “What are you doing in Dorne?”
Jaime – “We received a threatening necklace in a viper’s mouth.”
Are snakes only native to Dorne? Anyone could have sent that threat…
Jaime – “Is this my last meal before the beheading?”
No, smugglers only get their hands chopped off.
Doran – “No I can’t behead you, I don’t want to start a war.”
Ellaria – (Bullshit, you promised me heads would roll!)
She pours out her wine during the toast, somewhere in a cell Cersei weeps…in the state she’s in now she’d probably drink that wine off the floor.
Cersei King Tommen insists on taking his sister back to the capital, so Doran proposes his son and heir accompany her and sit on the seat previously held by Oberyn. It comes off as a smart plan, but this just gives the Lannisters a hostage of their own. Also does no one know about the Faith Militant and how King’s Landing is a dangerous place right now?
Ellaria – “No wonder you can’t stand, you have no spine.”
Doran – “I hope you live a long and happy life, speak to me that way again and you won’t.”
(You are only alive because of my mercy and much like my legs you keep making fun of, I’m starting to lose that feeling.)
Doran – “How do they punish a commoner that punches a prince?”
Jaime – “He said it was just a fleabite.”
This episode seems to have a running theme of throwing their own words back at a person.
Doran – “I’ll let prince Trystane decide.”
Yeah let’s give the brat who got punched in the face the decision here.

fleabite his face some more!

More Sand Snake scenes! I’m surprised they didn’t have the one Sand Snake playing the game whip out her whip, her only defining character trait. Just don’t play this game against Khal Drogo. Tyene Sand upgrades the hand slapping game to the game of faces and before we can waste any more time here Areo Hotah comes to pick up Bronn.
Bronn – “Am I going to be happy at the end of this walk?”
It’s not the green mile, it’s the yellow mile.

Bronn – “Sorry about the other day.”
Who could stay mad at that face?
Jaime – “He’s agreed to grant you your freedom…”
Bronn – “I’m glad to hear it. Pie looks good.”
This is just classic Darnell, “Oh I’m not being executed? Cool, what’s for dinner?”
He gets punched in the face by Hotah, an advanced level game of faces.
Doran – “Perhaps some soup instead.”
And maybe that ice for that fleabite.

Arya goes to kill the corrupt insurance salesman already, but it’s not like she learned “everything” about this guy like Jaqen told her to.  Before she can finish him off she goes kill trant stareinto a Kill Bill murder stare, Meryn Trant finally arrives in Braavos.
Mace tries bribing the Iron Bank employee with wine, but only the gold price can repay the iron bank… ironically the iron price isn’t accepted there. Trant spots Arya spying on him numerous times, this is where having another face would really come in handy.
While waiting for them to finish their negotiations she eats her own product instead of going back and killing the insurance salesman! Mace emerges from the Iron Bank and he starts to sing, but I have no idea if they made a deal or not.

Trant – “I thought that old shit wouldn’t stop singing.”
Background Guard – “Wasn’t bad though.”
I heard you background guy, and I agree, Mace does have a good voice.
Trant – “Traitorous cunts were going to make that boy fucker Renley king.”
Said the pedophile…
Arya is still pushing around that oyster car while trailing him?! Those can’t be fresh anymore. She follows him into the brothel.
“Sell your fish somewhere else girl.”
Actually those are OYSTERS, CLAMS, AND COCKLES! Her only speaking line so far this episode.

I’m disappointed in this whore showcase, this is HBO, show some skin.
Trant – “Too old.”
Background solider disagrees and I agree with him. We learn Trant is a pedophile in case we needed more reasons to not like this guy, I’m too old for this shit, just kill him already.
Head Whore – “Who let this girl in? Shoo shoo.”
She treats Arya like some common cat, perhaps no different from the cats of the canals.  Arya hasn’t been too good at spying, what has the House of Black and White taught her again? How to clean a dead body and how to lie better? I don’t see some Karate Kid revelation coming and cleaning bodies somehow makes her a better assassin.
Arya – “A thin man wasn’t hungry today.”
Jaqen – “Perhaps that’s why a man is thin.”
It makes sense… He knew she was lying, but he didn’t slap her. I’m sure she’ll kill Trant next episode and I’m sure Jaqen will reprimand her.
sand snakes, more like sand losers

Remember when their war cry was unbowed, unbent, unbroken. Well she’s bowing now.
Doran – (Kiss my ring…kiiiiiiiss it.)
“I believe in 2nd chances, I don’t believe in 3rd chances.”
Too bad the Mountain didn’t believe in 2nd chances…I miss Oberyn.

Jaime has been writing to Cersei, but she hasn’t written back to him and he hasn’t realized anything is wrong because she usually never writes back to him. What a great relationship.
“I know your daughter had no part in the terrible thing that happened to the man I love.”
This is a huge turn around and I am not buying it at all. Didn’t she want to kill her literally a couple hours ago? She also wanted to kill Jaime.

yeah, fuck you stannis

Shireen is playing with her toy stag…please don’t die.
Stannis – (Shireen…how do you feel about burning?)
“A Dance of Dragons? What’s it about?”
It’s a great story, but the fat writer is taking forever to finish it up.
“Sometimes a person has to choose; sometimes the world forces his hand.”
But why here? I doubt book Stannis would burn his daughter even if George RR apparently gave the idea to the show runners here. Shireen is his only heir, without her his line ends with him.
Shireen – “I want to help you! Is there any way I can help?”
No! Tell him to fuck off! Where’s Davos?! I’d take Jon Snow and his arrow at this point.
Stannis – “Yes…there is.”
Shireen – “I’m the princess Shireen of House Baratheon and I am your daughter.”
Throwing his words right back at him…
I mean Stannis just said he loved her a few episodes ago and so far burning people alive has not shown tangible improvements in his army or his chances for the Iron Throne. If the leeches worked so well before, they erased Balon Greyjoy from existence, why can’t he just use leeches again?! Unless the Lord of Light smites all the Boltons as soon as he sacrifices his daughter then this shouldn’t be worth it, even through his crazy eyes.
Stannis – “Forgive me.”
Nope, he’s just as bad as the Boltons now.

selyse...good guy here

No! Fuck you Melisandre. Shireen’s still holding her toy stag…
Shireen – “Where’s my father?”
Stannis doesn’t even let her see him, he’s a coward. The man who burns his own daughter should be the one to do it himself…and then burn himself as well.
Melisandre – “It will all be over soon princess.”
Burning his daughter alive should really boost army morale right?! It didn’t work when he burned Mance, and he was “king” beyond the wall, certainly his king’s blood should have done something.
Selyse – “If we don’t act we’ll all starve here. We need to make this sacrifice.”
Eat the fucking horses, what’s the problem here? This is the same group of people that survived in Storm’s End eating rats and books. How are they starving now?! How far away is Winterfell?
Shireen – “Mother! Mother please!”
Selyse – “…I can’t.”
(Oh my God I’ve been a terrible mother, what am I doing?! I need to stop this!)
Well I never thought I would like Selyse more than Stannis…but yet here I stand. Selyse wanted to burn her daughter ever since her introduction, and now she thinks this is a bad idea. Good.
Stannis is done, there’s no way Davos remains loyal to him after this, there’s no way his army remains loyal to him after this, there’s no way fans remain loyal to him after this. This is worse than Ramsay raping Sansa. Shireen got screwed over harder here than the little girl carried off by Meryn Trant. Roose Bolton is a better father than Stannis. Selyse is a better parent than Stannis!

this is the sexiest statue I've ever seen

Again, Dany seems very close to the fighting pits. Seriously, shouldn’t her seats be at the top?
Hizdahr suspiciously shows up late to the fighting pits. I’m 94% sure he’s the head of the Harpy.
Who will win the first battle? The strong fighter or the quick fighter?
Daario – “The smaller man, that’s where you put your money.”
Tyrion – “The smaller man it is.”
He would have a bias for smaller men.
Hizdahr – “Kings and queens don’t bet on the games, perhaps you should go find someone who does.”
Nice burn Hizdahr, or should I say head of the Harpy?
“In my experience larger men triumph over quicker men.”
Well the Mountain did triumph over Oberyn…so it’s true for my experience as well.
Daenerys – “Has your experience ever involved any actual fighting?”
Daario – (Nice burn Dany!)
“I always beat the big beast of a man when I fought.”
Cue big beast of a man beheading the other guy. Cue Dany losing her lady boner for Daario.
Hizdahr – “What great thing has ever been accomplished without killing or cruelty?”
Like a whole bunch of stuff. Macaroni art is no Great Wall of China, but it’s pretty neat.
dany sexy lookTyrion -“It’s easy to confuse what is with what aught to be.”
He’s much smarter than the other advisors, I think it helps that he doesn’t want to bang Daenerys.
Tyrion – “My father would have liked you.”
Tyrion probably doesn’t like Hizdahr.
Is there no other sport to watch in this city? Maybe Daenerys could invent soccer, I bet they’d love soccer. Hizdahr – “So your reasons are true and theirs are false. They don’t know their own minds, but you do?”
Tyrion – “Well said, you’re an eloquent man, but in my experience eloquent men are right every bit as often as imbeciles.”
I’m an eloquent man!
Love Dany’s necklace.

A Meereenese champion, a Dothraki screamer, a water dancer, a Norvosi bearded priest, a shirtless dude, and a bear walk into a coliseum…who wins and who dies? Shirtless dude must have went to the Ramsay Bolton school of fighting, but my money’s on the bear.
Jorah holds that stereo above his head, he’s totally going to win her back.
Hizdahr – “Your grace-”
Daario – “Shut your mouth.”
Is Daario on Jorah’s side now? Or does he just hate anything said by Hizdahr?
I wonder if Jorah is going to lose here… Jorah barely beats the Norvosi “spear” fighter and then proceeds to get his ass kicked by the water dancer of Braavos, however, the water dancer gets stabbed in the back before finishing off Jorah. Water dancers are now 2/2 losing the fight but being the better fighter. Jorah wins the last battle by literally doing a barrel roll and stabbing the Meereenise guy in the chest…how did that work?!

Jorah throws a spear at Dany; only to be revealed that he saved her from a harpy assassination.
How did all of these guys sneak in here? Was there no security? Why isn’t she better protected?! Especially after the last assassin attempts? Especially because those assassin attempts were so successful?! Daario is a terrible body guard…where are all his Second Sons? Why do the Unsullied suck at fighting now? Are there no more coliseum fighters to help out? Was that supposed to be the last fight? Two fights? That’s it? The Harpy slaughter everyone, there’s no pattern or reason in who they are killing…it’s just chaos. In the books the Harpy aren’t the best of people, but they aren’t pure evil like this group. They don’t want Dany and they don’t like former slaves. Here it seems like they don’t like anyone not wearing a mask and they’re all super strong…this scene is actually pretty terrible. This whole episode has been pretty terrible.
Hizdahr – “Come with me your grace! I know a way out.”
He then gets stabbed; at least I can’t spell his name wrong anymore, but it looks like he wasn’t a son of the Harpy. I was so sure though…

surrounded by men in masks

Tyrion saves Missandei, proving again how good of a fighter he is, but the main characters get surrounded in the middle of the coliseum. The Harpy don’t use their overwhelming advantage in numbers, which is weird because  Daenerys always mentions having a very large army but they never seem to be around. The Harpy don’t all attack at once and decide to go one at a time…

Daenerys – (Oh yeah, I had dragons.)
The CGI actually looks poorly done in this episode. Yeah if these goons in the mask beat a dragon… I’d be pretty upset. I don’t think she has a strong enough army and dragons to take over Westeros if she’s being overwhelmed here. Drogon is rescuing the day and can decipher good guys from bad guys…why did she lock up her other dragons again?  Are dragon’s scales made of 1-ply toilet paper?! How are those lobbed spears piercing him no problem?! Why aren’t they throwing spears at Dany?! She slowly mounts Drogon and they fly away. Yeah, she just leaves her friends behind, they should be dead now!

hey...uh, we're still here...


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