Game of Thrones Recap: Mother’s Mercy're going to have a rough time

Season 5 Finale Show vs. Book Storyline Parallels
Arya – Has more material left in the books.
Jon – Caught up with the books.
Sam – He has tons of material left. Maybe they’ll shorten his never ending boat ride to Oldtown.
Tyrion – New territory for him, he’s progressed passed the books.
Dany – Caught up with the books.
Jaime – His entire storyline is different.
Bronn – He shouldn’t even be in the story.
Sand Snakes – I wish they weren’t in the story.
Brienne – Her entire storyline is different.
Stannis – Still alive in the books. Hasn’t engaged Boltons yet.
Sansa – Her entire storyline is different.
Theon – There’s a little more material left, especially if you read the pre-released chapter.
Melisandre – Caught up with the books.
Davos – His entire storyline was thrown out when other characters weren’t cast.
Cersei – Basically where we left off in the books, one more chapter of material.
Littlefinger – Where did he go?
All the Tyrells – Thought I spotted the Queen of Thornes during Cersei’s walk of shame, but it was just a tart.

I’ve read the books, but I won’t spoil anything by bringing up new material for show watchers, but I will make references to the book. There will be spoilers for this episode though, duh.
that look knowing you've chosen the wrong azor azai...that look knowing you probably shouldn't have went all in on a crazy fire priestess

The snow is melting, a fair exchange for burning Shireen alive. Looks like winter isn’t coming, suck it Starks. Mel goes to Stannis like an eager daughter in need of attention, but unlike the sudden warm weather, Stannis remains cold.
Melisandre – “The Lord has shown me Bolton banners burning.”
Maybe she just saw a frustrated Lord of Light losing in a game of Tic Tac Toe? Think about it.
Soldier – “Your Grace…many men have deserted.”
Who could have predicted burning his daughter alive didn’t inspire morale in his soldiers? How deep of a sleeper must Stannis be to not hear thousands of his men leaving during the middle of the night? 20 good men is one thing, but half his men leaving with ALL the horses should be loud.
Soldier 2 – “Your Grace…”
Stannis – “Speak up, it can’t be worse than mutiny.”
And it wasn’t.
Selyse hanged herself; I understand why she didn’t choose death by fire, but it’s pretty hypocritical of her not to. Besides her daughter she’s been pro burning the entire show.
Soldier – “Your Grace, Lady Melisandre was just seen riding out of camp.”
I thought they were out of horses?! The bad news keeps piling up, wait till they tell him bring your daughter to work day was cancelled. Even worse news, it’s burnt horse meat for breakfast, again.

Jon – “And when he raised his hands they all stood up. The biggest army in the world.”
Please tell me he’s telling this story to everyone in the Night’s Watch and not just Sam.
Sam – “So what are you going to do?”
No Sam, what are WE going to do. This is why he isn’t a good boyfriend…or Night’s Watch brother.
Jon – “I’m going to hope they don’t learn how to climb the Wall.”
I’d just be impressed at that point.
Sam – “But the dragonglass?”
Jon’s lucky to be alive Sam! Show him some love.
Jon – “No one’s ever getting that back now. It wouldn’t have mattered anyway, unless we had a mountain of it”
Dragonglass kills White Walkers, but not the undead guys. It’s a loss, but not the end of the world…I mean the end of the world is still coming, but it’s not because of lost dragonglass.
two brothers, two lovers, two friends
Jon – “Longclaw killed a White Walker. If only we had more Valyrian steel swords.”
Why didn’t you mention that earlier? We got a whole storage of Valyrian steel swords in the basement. Right next to the cache of dragon eggs. Sam eats one of those for breakfast every morning, how else can you explain his physique?
Jon – “How does it feel to be friends with the most hated man in Castle Black?”
Now seems as good a time as any to tell Jon he wants to leave! Sam wants to go to Oldtown with Gilly and the baby. He says it’s for their safety, but he’s royally fucking over his best friend. Don’t worry Jon, that Olly kid seems really trustworthy.
Sam – “If Gilly stays here she’ll die. And I’ll end up dying trying to protect her.”
Ghost can’t save him every time. Ghost doesn’t save Jon later because he can only save one character per season.
Jon – “The Citadel will make you swear off women too.”
Looks who’s calling the Crow black.
Sam – “Oh they’ll bloody try.”
(Even though I didn’t know where to put it, she put it in for me!)
Jon – “Glad the end of the world is working out for someone.”
Sam – “I’ll come back.”
That’s what Balon Greyjoy said before a rogue leech on a bridge erased him from existence.

it's like watching a pot boil, take it away for 1 second and that's when it goes off

Sansa sneaks out of her room with a key she produces out of nowhere and walks straight through the middle of Winterfell…no one recognizes her. This is the same girl that walked out of King’s Landing right after Joffrey’s death, this kind of thing is easy for her. Pod notices Stannis’ army during his biweekly rabbit and pile of sticks hunt. He drops them when he scurries back to Brienne…this is why he’ll never become a knight. Has Brienne even been teaching him how to fight? I have a hard time believing she’s taken her eyes off that tower to teach him. Also why was he even walking in this direction to see Stannis? His hands were full, shouldn’t he have been heading back to base camp with the goods? What could he possibly do next? Find more sticks?
Brienne – (Oh candle-o, oh candle-o, where art though candle-o?)
Pod – “M’lady, Stannis is coming!”
Brienne – “How do you know it’s Stannis?”
Pod – (Oh my Gods can you just believe me?! Once! Please! Just once, Bree!)
Brienne – “I know the chances are basically zero that the ONE time I avert my eyes from the broken tower the candle will be lit, but surely you can stay and keep a lookout Pod.”
Of course two seconds after they both leave it’s lit…it’s no Beacons of Gondor, but it’s surprisingly visible from this distance.

Stannis – “We’ll prepare to siege from here. Surely they won’t attack us now.”
Soldier – “They’re attacking us now.”
Poor guy hasn’t reported one shred of good news to Stannis, the true victim here.
Suddenly an army out of nowhere…there seems to be more than 20 good men. Stannis is about as done with his storyline in the show as devoted book readers. He gives one of his famous inspirational speeches before they engage the enemy, but two seconds later the battle is over. I have no idea how the battle ended up in a forest or how Stannis, the man leading the charge and the one person the enemy would be looking for, is the last man standing. Brienne somehow finds him alone in the forest because this is what the showrunners wanted all along.
stannis...his worst day
I’m surprised Brienne can even see Stannis from her high horse, but she’s wrong about Renly, he was never the rightful king. Just because Renly was nice to her doesn’t make him the rightful heir.
Brienne – “Do you have any last words?”
Stannis – “Fuck the Lord of Light Go on do your duty.”
It’s not entirely clear if she killed him or not, but there’s a 94% chance he’s dead. He should be dead. There are reasons she’d keep him alive, it’s not honorable to kill him like this or keeping him alive backs up her story about the shadow killing Renly, but story-wise, his character seems done. In the books this battle was built up and hyped so much that the on (Greyjoy) screen translation was a let down, a huge letdown. I still believe that Stannis has a chance to win this battle in the books and here’s someone’s more detailed take on why.  

Ramsay kills a straggler instead of flaying him…I’m only a little surprised. Ramsay doesn’t check for Stannis’ body, he just leaves.
Sansa’s surprised that her candle light rescue beacon didn’t work in 5 minutes…what was she expecting?! She tries to escape Winterfell by climbing to higher ground…is she going back to her room? Where is she going?! She runs into Myranda and Reek…why were they waiting up here?
Sansa – “If I’m going to die, let it happen while there’s still some of me left.”
She’s not a bystander to tragedy anymore!
Myranda – “Who said anything about dying? Ramsay needs you.”
He sure sounds like a swell guy.
Before Myranda can “torture” Sansa, Theon grows a pair of balls and pushes her off the balcony… His character turn around seems abrupt, Sansa didn’t even look into his eyes for help or anything, but I’m not complaining. Their escape plan is to jump off from a balcony even higher than the one that just killed Myranda…
oh wow...yeah, we're still really high up
Theon – “Aim for the bushes snow.”
She takes his hand…cute because earlier this season she said she’d never take his hand. Brienne needs to find them soon because if they’re not dead they at least have broken legs.

Obviously they couldn’t show Trant performing sexual acts with little girls, but hitting them with a stick just seems so random. He beats three little girls with a stick, but there’s one girl with hair covering her entire face that doesn’t wince out in pain. Did he watch an evil videotape 7 days ago?
This “random” girl gets punched in the stomach from an knight, but brushes it off and kills him. I don’t know when Arya learned how to be immune to pain, but I’m impressed. I think the face Arya used was from the same girl she killed previously. Neat. After stabbing both his eyes she then shoves something in his mouth before stabbing him a dozen more times in the chest…I guess they made him such a scumbag so this assassination could be as brutal as possible.
Arya – “You killed Syrio Forel, remember him?”
Trant – (But I never killed him!)
A man can dream can’t he? Syrio Forel is alive!
Arya – “Do you know who I am?”
Moans in agony
I don’t think he can hear her and I’m surprised he hasn’t passed out from the pain.
Arya – “Do you know who you are? You’re no one.”
What a coincidence, this is what my ex-girlfriend says to me all the time!
Isn’t she supposed to be no one and not the other way around?

jaqen a waifI wonder if this face library enforces late fees for returning faces late…
Jaqen – “A girl has taken a life…the wrong life.”
The Waif – “I was right about her.”
Not really a fan of this girl.
“You stole from the many-faced gods, now a debt is owed.”
Someone call up a Lannister, they always repay their debts.
He kills himself because they are very serious about this whole killing thing. Arya is upset, but then it turns out Jaqen isn’t dead…his personality and face can be put on anyone… Jaqen’s face and arms on the waif’s body is totally creeping me out. Arya starts pulling away faces on no one’s body and in a funnier show they would have put George RR Martin’s face in there. Instead Arya goes blind…because apparently there are late fees in this library, no more reading for her, that’ll teach her. How was he captured again all the way back in Season 2? What was it his first day on the job?!

Doran’s wheelchair looks fancy, but it doesn’t look comfortable, I don’t see cushions on that thing.
Ellaria – “I wish you all the happiness in the world.”
She gives Myrcella a full on kiss to the mouth…Myrcella isn’t even in college yet, this is too early for her experimental years, but Dorne does that to people. I wouldn’t be too surprised if that wasn’t her first girl kiss either seeing as she’s been in Dorne for so long.
Bronn – “Maybe I’ll come visit you sometime.”
Please don’t.
Tyene – “You want a good girl, but you need bad pussy.”
What a coincidence, my ex-girlfriend says this to me all the time! Honestly Bronn probably wants all pussy, but he should change his title to Bronn of the Bad Pussy instead of Blackwater.

bronn wants that bad pussy
Jaime has a heart to heart with his daughter.
Jaime – “What I’m trying to say is…”
Myrcella – “I know about you and mother. I think a part of me always knew and I’m glad.”
The fact that she’s happy her uncle is actually her father shows how terrible a parent Robert was… or how weird the Lannisters are in general.
She has a bloody nose and was poisoned by Ellaria’s kiss earlier. This can’t be the same poison that killed Bronn because her death wasn’t triggered by boobies. The boat is literally right there, Jaime could just turn around and kill Ellaria. A smarter assassin would have poisoned her with something that took longer to take effect. How far can she get with a five minute head start? Jaime even has Trystane as a hostage, it’s almost like she didn’t think this through at all. Does every necklace secretly hold an antidote? Quick Myrcella, break open your necklace, chances are good there’s an antidote in there! What was the point of Jaime coming down to Dorne, this entire storyline was a waste.

I don’t know how they got out of there alive, but okay.
Tyrion – “You love her, don’t you?”
They both look…how cute.
Grey Worm’s finally awake, it’s true what they say in Meereen, the early grey worm gets the bird…

smells like teen spirit of thrones
Missandei supports Tyrion.
Tyrion – “My valyrian is a bit nostril.”
It’s funny because he shouldn’t have a nose!
Daario – “We need to search for her.”
I mean she is on a dragon and can just fly back. It’s not like she’s going to run into a mongrel horde or anything dangerous. Why did she need to escape on Drogon again? They look unscathed.
Jorah – “You’ve been here how many days now? I’ve fought for her for years. Since she was little more than a child.”
Making his crush on her breeching Littlefinger levels of creepiness.
Daario – “Forgive me, but why would we ever bring you?”
Why does Tyrion want to go? Hasn’t he been on enough road trips already?
“Have you ever tracked animals in the wilderness?”
Is he calling Dany an animal? I think finding a giant dragon would be pretty easy.
Tyrion – “Not exactly, but I have other skills that would be very useful.”
He’s a funny guy, that should count for something.
Daario – “Can you fight?”
Tyrion – “I have fought. I don’t claim to be a great warrior.”
He sold himself as a great warrior during the slave auction, don’t sell yourself short buddy!
Daario – “So you mainly talk.”
Tyrion – “And drink. I’ve survived so far!”
A character’s life span is directly correlated to drinking. Fact, Stannis didn’t drink and he died.
Tyrion will stay here and rule…He got back into power really fast, he was a slave 2 episodes ago!
Jorah – “He’s a foreign dwarf who barely speaks the language, why would they listen to him?”
All good points, but they weren’t exactly listening to Dany either.
Daario – “They wouldn’t, but they will listen to Grey Worm.”
Wait…what! Why?! He barely talks. He gave them weapons to free themselves that one time…
Missandei – “It’s true, only the Unsullied can keep the peace in Meereen.”
Because they’ve been doing a great job so far. What about the Second Sons?! The dragons?!
Daario – “Good fortune in ruling my friends.”
Quick! Everyone rub and or suck Tyrion’s head!
best buds reunited...the half man and the not man

Varys – “Hello old friend.”
How did Varys just waltz up there? Did he show the Unsullied his no balls and they were like “Oh you’re one of us? Okay, go right through.” This is why I have no faith in the Unsullied’s guarding ability. Varys knows the city of King’s Landing so it makes sense there, but he hasn’t been to Meereen…is he magic?
Tyrion – “I suppose there’s no point in asking how you found me.”
I mean you knew he was heading to Meereen…and he’s magic.
Varys – “They tell me you already found favor with the mother of dragons.”
I mean he is the pseudo ruler of Meereen now. So yeah.
These two are going to whip this city into shape.
Tyrion – “If only I knew someone with a vast network of spies.”
Varys – “Who could possibly have any experience managing such a massive ungainly beast.”
It’s preferred to be called the Meereenese Knot.
Tyrion – “I did miss you.”
Wilbur has his spider back!
Varys – “Oh I know.”
Okay Han.

Dany stands atop a big hill plateau. Drogon made a nest of goat bones…I didn’t know dragons made nests.
Daenerys – “We have to go home.
Just keep flying to Westeros baby!
To her surprise Drogon doesn’t listen to her urges, but it’s not like he can understand her. Chains and a time out in the dungeon is all that awaits him in Meereen, screw going back there!
“We need to return, my people need me!”
I half expected her to jump off the plateau and fly back.
“Well there’s no food…at the very least you can hunt us some supper.”
Drogon – (Maybe carry your weight mom. Sheesh. Me go sleepy times now.)
I still see some meat on those charred bones…seriously though, how does a dragon his size pick the meat off the bones so cleanly? I don’t even eat my buffalo wings that cleanly and I love buffalo wings. I want to see him eat just once, for bettering my eating technique.

dany and the hungry dragon
She walks down the hill because… she could literally see in every direction for miles and clearly there was no food down there… Are they trying to tell me this horde of Dothraki came out of nowhere?! Who do they think they are? The Bolton army?! She had the higher ground and didn’t see them coming?! She drops her ring in the ground so Daario and Jorah can find it later like Pippin did for Aragorn in Lord of the Rings. I don’t know why the Dothraki circle around her, I don’t think they recognized her as Khal Drogo’s former sun and stars so this excitement seems a little over the top. I guess finding a gorgeous white haired girl in the wild is pretty rare for them.
The scene portrays it like she’s being captured, but in the books she’s not so much the victim as an intimidating figure. While riding Drogon they scare a bunch of riders and Drogon hunts a spooked horse and roasts him on the spot. Dany and Drogon immediately start devouring the horse and a bigger group of Dothraki cautiously approach her while she’s covered in horse blood, with Drogon still eating behind her. Here it sets up Jorah and Daario saving her next season.

Cersei caves and “confesses” to the High Sparrow. The lion had less conviction than two roses.
She admits to having sex with Lancel and I understand why it was so tough for her to admit it, the dude’s a total weirdo. Embarrassing stuff, I wouldn’t brag about it either. She’ll still be put on trial, but she’ll be allowed to walk home and see her son.
As punishment she gets bathed and a haircut, so far not so bad. Do they not have scissors? Does anyone in Westeros own a pair of scissors? Maybe they just cut her hair with a razor to be dicks? I want to say that Cersei has a great body, but apparently they used a body double. I’m pretty impressed with the team that shopped her face onto the body double, that must have taken forever. I don’t know why her hair looks so orange though.

furiosa cersei
High Sparrow – “To demonstrate her repentance, she will cast aside all pride, all artifice, and present herself as the Gods made her. To you…the good people.”
There are some of the worst cunts in King’s Landing among these “good” people. Was the Red Keep always that far away? There should have been more guards during the walk, it would have been very easy to assassinate the queen.
I think “confess” and “shame” have been this actress’s only two lines. Was the bell really necessary?! It bugged me enough on the first watch through. Whoever Cersei’s body double was has nothing to be ashamed about, her body is Casterly Rocking.
Things Yelled at Cersei
Whore, Cunt, Bitch, Sinner
Motherfucker…this one doesn’t make sense to me. Yes she’s a mother that fucks, but usually this term doesn’t address mothers, it represents people that have sex with people’s moms.
My personal favorite was “All hail her royal tits!”
Why is everyone throwing lettuce at her? Aren’t they starving? Have the Tyrells not withheld the food supply? They seem to take a path consisting exclusively of narrow alleyways. Her feet are bloody by the end because stepping on all that lettuce hurts. This was a brutally long scene and towards the end even boobs didn’t help. Her own guards don’t help her immediately when she gets back to the Red Keep?! In the books I didn’t feel too bad for Cersei during the walk, but in the show I pitied her. Apparently I like bad girls, but need that good pussy.

zombie qyburn cersei

Qyburn helps her and Robert Strong, totally not a zombie, sweeps her off her feet. How can anyone that sees those eyes not realize he’s a zombie?! I don’t know how he was named to the Kingsgurad without her approval unless Tommen okayed him…which I find pretty unlikely. They decided to replace the recently deceased Trant with  the recently deceased Mountain. Kevan Lannister doesn’t say anything…I really wish they gave this actor more speaking lines.
Qyburn – “He’s taken a vow of silence until all the evil has been driven from the realm.”
Weird, because I could have sworn I heard a muffled “brains!” coming from his direction.

Davos is still fighting for Stannis…bless his heart. Stannis’ army was defeated, but on the bright side Jon gets to keep all of his boats! Poor Davos, I’m just glad he’s alive, but I don’t know what they’ll do with his character. Melisandre returns to the Wall, she had nowhere else to go. I wonder if Davos will ever learn how Shireen was murdered by her and if he’ll be able to avenge her. I’m rooting for him.

omg she's back...why do they always come back?! redheads and dead people!

They gave us those Benjen promos for this shit?! Why do the good commanders always get mutinied by their own men? I thought for sure Alliser wouldn’t participate, what happened to his character development? Why even let Jon back through the gates if he was going to murder him anyway after all the wildlings are on this side of the Wall? What changed from last episode? Alliser went from “I hate you, but I respect your position” to “I need to kill this guy right now.” Where are the wildlings? The giant?! Tormund?! You think the wildlings would be invested in keeping Jon alive seeing as he’s the only reason they’re allowed to be past the Wall. Where’s Ghost?! Is he with Sam still?! Who carved the “traitor” sign?! Or was it in storage from a previous use?
At least they didn’t stab him in the back…
Alliser – “For the watch.”
Gets stabed…gets stabbed 5 more times.
Jon – “Olly…”
His last words are Olly! So lame, they should have been “Sam…or Winter is Coming.”
I can practically hear Sam’s advice going off in Olly’s head before he stabs Jon.
Now Jon only got stabbed 6 times in the chest, heck Meryn Trant got stabbed a dozen times by Arya and survived longer than Jon… Just saying, people have recovered from worse…okay, maybe not. If you look carefully at the end his eyes turn blue at the last second, but even if he’s dead now I don’t think he’s done. Here’s a very interesting theory on what the next step for a dead Jon could be.

jon snow wait for itmy baby blue eyes


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