Pan: Panful to Sit Through

pan movie cast

Pan is a live action prequel to a Disney classic. I’m not sure why this movie needed to be made, but after the “success” of other films with similar premises like Maleficent and Snow White and the Huntsman I can understand why movie execs would give this movie the green light. They’re making a 2nd installment of Snow White and the Huntsman?! Didn’t realize the movie was that successful. Hook was the last Peter Pan inspired movie that was relatively successful, but even that movie had it’s flaws. This movie is worse than Hook. An ancient prophecy foretelling Blackbeard’s downfall to a boy who can fly? Who could it possibly be talking about?!

Pan grossed 15.5 million domestically in it’s opening weekend, and with a 155 million budget it’s likely to lose money. It’s easy to understand why the movie bombed having lukewarm reviews and a trailer that revealed too much of the “plot.” It’s not quite a kids movie, but it also has no aspects that would really appeal to an older audience either. The plot is aimless and doesn’t really connect to the Disney classic, I admit I haven’t seen that movie in over a decade, but I’m pretty sure Captain Hook and Peter Pan aren’t best friends. This movie uses character names from Peter Pan, but then the director takes them in a totally different direction, and unfortunately for the viewers it’s pretty cliche and boring. I know I’m being pretty harsh on a PG rated family movie, so let me put my kid goggles on and judge the movie if I were a kid…and I’m still not a fan of the movie. Pirates steal children in the middle of the night, that would give me nightmares.

smells like teen boxoffice flopBlackbeard – “So you’re telling me we lost the boy?”
Pirate- “Yes, he is a lost boy.”
There’s nothing wrong when movies give a nod to past installments by indicating something we know will happen in the future, but this exchange is just lazy.

Hugh Jackman stars as Blackbeard in this film because he loves the story of Peter Pan! He also loves big fat checks, but it was mostly because of his love for Neverland that he took this role I’m sure. His character is evil, no surprise with a name like Blackbeard, and he captures orphan boys to mine fairy dust for him, which he inhales to remain relatively youthful forever. Jackman plays the role like a sober imitation of Captain Jack Sparrow, so essentially a weirdo dressed as pirate but with non of the lovable charm. I can’t say he’s worse than the Blackbeard in the 4th Pirates of the Caribbean movie, but I can say the soundtrack was reminiscent of the Pirates of the Caribbean soundtrack. Jackman’s other big movie this year was Chappie… so it’s safe to say 2015 hasn’t been his best year, and it could possibly be the worst of his career. They blew their one song opportunity with Jackman too! The “Smells Like Teen Spirit” variation in the movie is sort of catchy, but Jackman mumbles his verses and that’s it! Give him a full song!

Spoiler! James “Captain” Hook never loses his hand! It’s teased at for a moment before being dismissed, but it could have been an interesting storyline. I never realized that Captain Hook’s actual name was Hook…it’s almost like it was destiny for him for him to get a hook hand, can’t really blame the guy here. The actor that plays Hook talked like he has a wasp in his throat the entire movie, like when he sampled his Hook voice to the director it sounded good, but throughout the entire movie it’s pretty annoying. There’s a love subplot between Tiger Lily and Hook because…why not. It reminded me of my middle school romances, long glances and giggle fits, but it further distances the characters from their origins. There was controversy over white actress Rooney Mara being cast as Tiger Lily, but it’s not like anyone cares after the movie bombed. Rooney Mara plays the role similar to the 3rd best female 5th grader in your child’s school play because Peter Pan is played by the best female 5th grader. I mean I understand why Peter Pan is played by a female on Broadway, but they’re all kids in 5th grade so visually it doesn’t really make sense to me. I guess they needed more leading roles for girls? There are like 6 named characters, maybe pick a better children’s play Mrs. Johnson?! My son’s the 12th lost boy, but okay, he’s having fun! Damn it why couldn’t my kid have played soccer or something…

jolly rancher pirates

The kid that played Pan wasn’t good either, but it’s tough to blame poor child acting for this mess of a movie. Peter’s mom is Amanda Seyfried…she’s 29 years old. She’s too young to be cast as a mother! Reminds me of this sketch on Inside Amy Schumer.

I wouldn’t recommend this movie, but then again, I don’t know too many children and that’s 100% the target audience.

  • Glad we got to spend a good chunk of the movie in this terrible orphanage!
  • Has there ever been a fun and pleasant orphanage in a movie ever?
  • The animation and visuals rely too much on CGI and their budget ran out of money when it came to making the Neverland Birds, wow those were poorly animated and blatantly standout compared to overall pretty visual effects.
  • The natives get slaughtered by pirates, but it’s okay because they turn into bright colored dust when they die…
  • The mermaids and the crocodile barely get any more screen time than they do in the trailer.
  • The giant crocodile doesn’t just eat the little boat they’re sailing on…and somehow grabs Peter’s clothes and drags him down instead of simply eating him…
  • The mermaids don’t speak at all and they’re all copies of the same face…it’s a little unnerving.
  • It’s sort of funny how the movie ends on a note that makes it seem there will be more movies because that will never happen.

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