Supergirl Recap: Pilot

she's super hot...and kind of weird looking, like emma stone, but still hot
Kara – “My name is Kara Zor-El. 24 years ago my planet, Krypton, was in serious peril.”
Do they speak English on Krypton?
“My cousin, Kal-El, was sent to a planet called Earth.”
Wait…so is Superman only ~24 years old? Also who is she talking to?
“You may know his story, the story you don’t know is that I was sent to protect him.”
Babysitting, extreme edition. Also are there only 2 escape pods? They couldn’t make bigger escape pods? Is this why they send a 13 year old to take care of a baby?
Her Mom – “Because of the earth’s yellow sun you’ll have great powers, you will do extraordinary things.”
Like protecting your much more important baby cousin! Has sunscreen been holding me back all these years? Why can’t the yellow sun do this for me?
I guess the father doesn’t get to say I love you or goodbye or anything because…
The planet explosion knocked her escape pod off course and sent her into the Phantom Zone. Ironically it’s a great neighborhood, just got a Whole Foods. Time doesn’t pass there and she arrives to earth 24 years later as a kid… Krypton exploded 24 years ago and she slept for 24 years, but her voice is clearly older, so either I’m missing something or the writers can’t do math.

Kara – “My cousin wanted me to have the same safe childhood he did, so he placed me with this adoptive family.”
Wait…who the fuck are these people? What is their relationship with Superman?
“They had a daughter, Alex.”
Wasn’t he an only child? Talk about wanting to raise her in similar childhoods.
“My cousin didn’t need my protection. I didn’t have a mission anymore.”
Well it was a pretty lame mission. Superman is an adult and isn’t even protecting her.
meeting your new mommy
“I decided the best thing I could do was fit in.”
Did Superman tell her to wear the glasses? Does it just run in the family?
“Earth didn’t need another hero.”
Tell that to the Avengers.
She works at CatCo Worldwide Media now, the Daily Planet wasn’t hiring.
Geeky Coworker – “A homeless guy swears the perp had horns, but like, on his head!”
Well yeah, that’s where horns are typically.
“They’re out there, aliens.”
Superman’s a household name right? So obviously aliens are out there.
“Hey I was wondering if you wanted to go see a movie tonight.”
They tell us everything about his character pretty quickly. Nerd/Comic Relief/Virgin
Kara – “I can’t, I’m sorry, I have a date.”
But even if she was free the answer would have been the same. Go to the gym bud.

Kara’s super hearing alerts her of her to Boss coming. She needs her assistance! Lamest use of a super power? Maybe.
Boss – “The only reason I bought this building was because it had a private elevator.”
She does her best Devil wears Prada impression, but still comes off as super lame.
“Cancel my lunch date with my mother, also cancel my therapist, I won’t need it if I’m not having lunch with my mother.”
I bet she has a great relationship with her father then.

New guy has a posed picture of superman flying. It won the Pulitzer.
jimmy's shot
The new guy is Jimmy Olsen. I thought the Daily Planet wasn’t hiring? What is he doing here?
Kara – “I’ve read books, but what’s he like in real life?”
So I’m guessing he didn’t visit his cousin too often.
Jimmy – “He’s everything you want him to be and more.”
Sounds like a super guy.
“Has anyone ever told you you look like him a little?”
And suspiciously like his former coworker Clark Kent. It’s probably just the glasses.
Kara – “No, you’re the first.”
These two flirt hard, too bad she has that date later tonight. Jimmy James seems to have a fetish for aliens.

Sister – “I have to be on a plane to Geneva in 3 hours.”
Kara – “And I have a blind date in a half hour, I win.”
Outfit montage!
Kara – “I feel like I’m not living up to my potential.”
She’s using her super powers to appease her boss, what else could she use her powers for?
Sister – “But you always wanted to be normal, this is what normal looks like.”
Kara has a super nice apartment for an assistant. She has a nice apartment for most managers. Is she paying rent in Krypton dollars and the conversion rate is ridiculously in her favor?
“I have the same powers he does, I can fly…I think, I haven’t done it in years.”
She’s like a pigeon, has wings but doesn’t fly. I haven’t seen a pigeon fly longer than 10 seconds.
Sister – “You have a good job, you’re cute, and thanks to your alien DNA, you cant get pimples. “
Her best superpower! Her job isn’t that good and how can she be cute if she has fake glasses?
“If you really want to help someone, pick one of these two so I can get on my plane.”
Did her sister mention she has a PLANE FLIGHT TO GENEVA?

blue is her color...and red. half parts blue and half parts red

The blind date doesn’t seem to be going well.
Bad Date leaves her to make a phone call. Who set her up again?!
“Check please-“
At least he said please! And he’s handling the check, total keeper.
“And make sure your numbers on it.”
Kara’s pretty hot, no idea why he would hit on the waitress instead.
Breaking news goes off in the bar, a plane is going down. I wonder if her sister is on it. The glasses come off and she uses her x-ray super vision to see her sister on the plane. Would she have saved this plane if her sister wasn’t on it?
She runs down an abandoned ally, strips off her coat, and throws it on the ground. Flying can’t be done in coats apparently. That was a nice coat, hopefully a homeless person finds it and puts it to good use. She flies on her second jump and quickly catches the plane.
Pilot – “Brace yourself for impact flight attendants!”
Everyone else you’re free to roam around the cabin.
She saves the plane and the people on the plane clap…I always hated those people on normal flights, this seems appropriate. No one is able to take a clear picture of her, no Pulitzer Prize for them.

She’s eating a plain pizza slice in her apartment, seems appropriate after saving a plane.
TV Reporter – “There are reports of a female flying form rescuing a plane from certain death.”
Form? Was it a bird? A plane? Clearly it was a person.
Reporter – “Guardian angel or human wrecking ball?”
Miley Cyrus’s new hit single will have her ride in on a guardian angel.
Kara – “What?!”
Her sister arrives at the apartment.
Both – “Are you okay?!”
They’re both okay.
Kara compares flying to “like the moment before you kiss someone for the first time.”
I hope flying is better than that.
Sister – “You exposed yourself…to the world.”
I wish, instead we get Miley Cyrus doing that every day.
Kara – “I didn’t travel 2000 light years to be an assistant.”
What happened to having a good job?! Wanting to be normal?
Sister – “It’s not safe, don’t ever do that again.”
But she can’t even get pimples! How much harm could she be in?

cat grant and her newsroom

At work everyone is still enamored with this plane saving “form.”
Geek Coworker – “How am I supposed to take her seriously if she doesn’t even have a suit?”
How am I supposed to take this guy seriously?
“Metropolis gets him and we get some rookie superhero.”
Well they do have all the good sports teams.
Boss – “Do you think there’s any connection between this hero and him?”
Why do they refuse to say Superman in this show?
“She’s exactly what I need to save the tribune, besides fatty foods there is nothing people love more than a hero.”
Hero > fatty foods > literally everything else.
“We are going to blow her up.”
Like fatty foods do to my thighs!
“Now go get me that girl. And Kara, go get me a lettuce wrap.”
All that talk of fatty foods and she gets a lettuce wrap? Strong self control.
Jimmy – “It’s funny, that was the first thing he did. Save a plane I mean.”
And here I thought he was talking about lettuce wraps.

she's checking him out or something

Geek Coworker and Kara talk on the roof. How long has she known this guy?
Kara – “Last night I embraced who I am and I don’t want to stop.”
Geek Coworker – “OMG, you’re a lesbian. That’s why you aren’t into me!”
Yeah…that’s why she isn’t into him. Gay jokes in the pilot, bold move.
Kara – “No, I’m not gay.”
No, she’s super.
She jumps off the building and flies back, he believes her.

Trucker Hat – “More coffee.”
Clearly a villain, only villains drink coffee.
Worker – “Can you believe it?! A female hero!”
I only heard it was a form. Could be anything, even a lettuce wrap. I felt like this line of dialogue was CBS figuratively patting itself on the back here.
Trucker Hat turns out to be a villain, who could have guessed it?! And he has an alien mohawk.  He’s behind the airplane malfunction. He’s part of an alien organization that were forced to hide in the shadows for 12 years…meaning Krypton was in serious peril 36 years ago by my math.
Alien Mohawk picks up an axe, Alien technology has advanced so much further than human technology, and he’s going after Kara.

Trying out new outfits montage!
She wouldn’t wear this outfit to the beach because it’s too revealing, but I saw sluttier outfit versions of her in real life the other night on Halloween. Come on Kara.
Kara – “Where’s my cape?”
Geeky Coworker – “Capes are lame, tell your cousin I said that. Actually never ever do that.”
It’s not like she ever talks to him.
Her 2nd outfit, which seems to have taken all night to put on, covers her bellybutton and has a skirt, but is basically the same outfit.
Geek Coworker – “Wow, you look really pretty without your glasses.”
I actually like her with her glasses. And she didn’t have glasses on last night buddy!
“To be a superhero you need a crime.”
Slippery slope buddy, they called him Mr. Glass!
He hacks into the NCPD mainframe and finds a crime…put a computer in the hands of a nerd on any TV show, I guarantee they can hack into any mainframe.
Crime saving montage!
Kara believes a cape aids with aero dynamics, but tell that to Syndrome… it would have made her kara L costumeplane rescue a lot more awkward.
Geek Coworker – “You sure you’re bullet proof?”
I mean she’s pimple proof, by the transitive property she should be.
Kara – “I hope so.”
Her clothes are bulletproof, but not her cape.
Geek Coworker – “You put the ‘S’ on your costume, for super, just like your cousin.”
I feel like that’s a big reason why people call him super man. L man? There’s no ‘L’ adjectives that really work.
Kara – “It’s not an ‘S’, it’s my familiar coat of arms… the house of El.”
Seriously why is their house coat of arms an ‘S’ and not a ‘L’?

While flying at night she gets shot down with Kryptonite darts and gets captured. Which felt like going in for a first kiss and getting shot down.
Her sister is a secret agent for the DEO…sort of like the MiB, but with less humor.
When she escaped the Death Zone, she brought with her alien convicts. The worst beings from the galaxy. They’re making their moves now…12 years after escaping.
Kara – “I can help you stop them.”
Army Boss – “How? You couldn’t even stop us.”
Who turns down help from a superhero?
“Nothing says covert operations like a flying woman in a red skirt.”
Is she already sold on the red skirt after 3 days? Just change costumes.
“You want to help, go back to getting someone’s coffee.”
Actually it was a lettuce wrap.
Sister Agent – “I know you’re hurt, I wanted to tell you every single day.”
That she’s a lesbian too?!
Kara – “No, instead you told me every day not to be who I really am.”
A lesbian?! This joke is still funny! Thanks for giving it to me CBS!
Chris Evans & Chyler LeighKara – “I can’t help but think you were recruited because of me.”
Well yeah, her sister is like 25? Of course she needed something else to get this job. Wow the actress is 33?! She looks great, but I didn’t even recognize her as the main actress from Not Another Teen Movie. That’s her and Chris Evans, he starred in that movie too weirdly enough.
Sister Agent – “They recruited me because of my background. And yeah it helped I shared a bathroom with one.”
Are they asking her bathroom themed questions about Kara?
So did they capture Kara to…to just tell her how vulnerable she was? To make her feel bad? They just let her go? Does she even know where she is right now?

She doesn’t use her superpowers to get coffee faster? She’s not living up to her potential!
Her media boss coins the name Supergirl.
Kara – “Supergirl?! We can’t name her that!”
Media Boss – “We didn’t.”
I wouldn’t be too proud of coining Supergirl, there’s Superman already. Pretty easy jump.
Kara – “I don’t want to minimize the importance of this. Shouldn’t she be called Superwoman?”
Media Boss – “Sorry, I can’t hear you over the color of your cheap pants.”
For an acclaimed writer her insults sure seem pretty lame.
Kara – “If we call her Supergirl, something less than what she is, aren’t we anti-feminist?”
This show seems to be far from anti-feminist.
“What’s so bad about girl? I’m a girl, and your boss, and powerful, and rich, and hot, and smart.”
Being a girl, it’s better than being a woman.
“So isn’t the real problem you. If you’re so smart, give me one reason why I shouldn’t fire you?”
Jimmy Olson covers for Kara. Why does she still want this assistant job again?
Alien Mohawk calls her our via telepath walkie talkie…I guess alien technology is okay.
She runs outside, removes her glasses, finds a phone both, and rips open her shirt to tease her cleavage coat of arms. She flies to fight him.

super bust

Kara – “You can’t hide, I can still hear your heartbeat.”
Still gets surprise attacked.
Alien Mohawk – “On my planet, women bow before males.”
I mean women still have to wear a Hijab at all times in parts of the world. I thought he was from Krypton? Were women treated poorly on Krypton?
Kara – “This is not your planet.”
It’s not her planet either…
They fight and for most of the battle she gets her ass handed to her.
Alien Mohawk – “Fighting him would be an honor, fighting you, that’s just exercise.”
This guy has a mancrush on Superman…everyone has so far.
“Do you actually think you can stop me? That you can stop any of us?”
Hey, if this girl can get lettuce wraps no problem I think she can handle this guy.
“Now you know what it’s like to bleed.”
Does she not get her period then? Also nobody makes her bleed her own blood.
Sister Agent and the DEO bail her out.

Kara – “I’ve never felt pain like that before. I’ve never felt pain.”
Yeah, but how does her skin feel? Does she have any pimples?!
Kara’s mom was the judge that put all those alien villains in the Phantom Zone, so they have extra incentive to hurt her now.

sista sista bonding

It’s Me – “Kara it’s me.”
She still needs to use her x-ray vision to make sure it’s her sister…
Sister Agent – “I know you’re thinking it’s all your fault.”
What’s her fault? That the alien convicts escaped and haven’t done anything in 12 years? Wow, she should feel terrible. You’re skin looks great gurl, you should feel great!
“Before you came to live with us, I was the star. How could I compete with you? I was happy when you decided not to use your powers because you feeling like less somehow made me feel like more.”
Sister bonding is pretty sweet, but I feel like this conversation should have happened years ago.
Kara – “I can’t…”
Sister Agent – “You can.”
And they do.
“Your mom believes in you.”
Only in Kara’s dreams though.
Kara – “That’s Kryptonese writing!”
Kryptons have their own writing, but they were speaking English earlier! And Kara didn’t seem to have any problem understanding her new family after arriving on earth.
This prerecorded hologram message of her mother helps her. Again, her dad is nowhere to be seen. Ironically Man of Steel had this same exact problem but in reverse.
Mom Hologram – “Although your mission was to protect your cousin, your destinies aren’t linked.”
I mean Kara wants to be a hero like her cousin…so their destinies are totally linked, but what she’s really saying is we’ll never see someone cast as Superman, she’ll always be the main character.
Kara – “So what do we do now?”
Sister Agent – “First things first, you need to change.”
Clothing montage!

mother holgram

They return to the secret DEO base…we still have no idea where this place is.
Army Boss – “I told you I don’t trust aliens.”
Sister Agent – “There’s no one I trust more.”
This is why they don’t let you list family members under personal references.
“And if you want anymore of my help, you’re going to use her.”
In real life she’d probably be fired.
They locate Alien Mohawk because he apparently waited the perfect amount of time before attacking the city…with his axe.
Army Boss – “My men can stop him.”
Boo men! Let’s go women! That seems to be the theme of this pilot.
Kara – “The people of this city will die because of something I did…Let me stop it.”
Let me reiterate, the villain is attacking the city with an axe. Anyone can stop him.
Army Boss – “Make sure you win.”
Well he was won over pretty easily.
fire truck in background

She stops the truck Alien Mohawk is driving with a punch and he launches out the front window, dude didn’t have his seatbelt on.  It explodes, probably lucky he didn’t have his seatbelt on, and no one else is injured on this deserted highway leading into the city…
Alien Mohawk – “You should have never come back for more.”
What are things I tell myself after refilling my plate for a 4th time at the buffet.
Army Boss – “She’s not strong enough.”
Sister Agent – “Why? Because she’s a girl?”
Boo men! Girl power! There was almost no reason to make this a gender issue.
Sister Agent – “It’s exactly what we were counting on.”
Her being a girl? What?! How does that make any sense?!
“I analyzed his axe, if it gets hotter than 2500 degrees it’ll explode.”
Oh okay, so her being a girl will make the axe explode. The axe’s only weakness, superhuman heat.
Alien Mohawk fights better barehanded than with an axe as Kara seems to be fighting evenly this time. She catches his axe right before it smashes her head in.
Kara – “Stop, I give up, I don’t want to die.”
All part of her plan…
Sister Agent – “Kara do it now!”
Heat vision.
The axe explodes, the explosion from the axe less than a foot from her face somehow hurts him more than it does her. He then kills himself…he brings dishonor to the mohawk.

heat vision beats axe

Sister Agent – “She followed your orders, she won.”
Army Boss – “Yeah, this time.”
I don’t think this guy will ever be satisfied.
Sister Agent – “…I wasn’t only recruited because of my sister…right?”
Army Boss – “She was why you got in, you are why you get to stay.”
Wish my hot alien sister could get me a job…

Kara asks James out to lunch, but he has a blind date He knows her secret identity already.
Kara – “You knew?! This whole time…He told you!”
Superman told James to hang out with Kara…did he also tell him to hit on her?
Jimmy – “He wanted you to choose this for yourself.”
Being a lesbian? It’s not a choice!
“Here’s a gift from him.”
Kara – “It’s his blanket from when he was a baby.”
Then what’s Superman’s cape made out of?
Jimmy – “This cape won’t shred.”
It must be a bitch to wash then. Hopefully it’s perfect cape length then? You can’t customize it.
“He’s really proud of you. Me too.”
Even though he talks to this guy more than he does to his own cousin.
“Now don’t you have a city to protect, you know, up up and away.”
She has to get that lettuce wrap first.
Supergirl – “Earth doesn’t just have one hero anymore, now it has me, now it has Supergirl!”
Hey that’s the name of the show!

up up and up some more

Evil Sidekick – “General, Alien Mohawk chose death over capture.”
For a villain disrespecting Kara because of her gender it’s pretty weird that he was following orders from a female general…
Evil General – “She is her mother’s daughter…My dear little niece…If she’s anything like her mother she will be just as formidable.”
Hey, maybe this woman is related to Kara?!


4 thoughts on “Supergirl Recap: Pilot

      • I wrote my own review about the pilot because it was insultingly bad. So, I made it a parody.
        It is actually mind-boggling how much the writers riped-off themself. It’s like the Flash show just with reveresed genders. Opening narrative – check; quick visual montage – check; bumbling sidekick with inexplicatble secondary skills – check; sterotype boss – check; constant absence from work – check; half-assed love triangle – check; costume montage – check; getting used to powers – check; villain of the week – check; pep-talk by friend/brother/sister/lover/mother/father – check; power-puns – check; deus-ex-machina/McGuffin/plot device – check….this list has no end, so I better stop here.
        What makes me barf is the fact that this show is praised so high despite it’s obvious flaws and misconception. I mean, the Flash show started with “lightning gave me abs”. It can’t be more retarded aye? But guess what? There is always a bigger fish.

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