Game of Thrones Recap: The Red Woman

not grenn and pyp mourn
Season 6 is no book 6, but it’s good enough. I’ve read the books, but I can’t spoil too much new information because most of the characters’ storylines have progressed further than their book counterparts, but I will try to make references to the book. There will be spoilers for this episode though, duh.

Jon Snow lays in a pool of his own blood in the snow, Ghost howls in the background. There’s a chance he’s only sleeping with his eyes open and Ghost is trying to wake him up.
Davos, not even a member of the Night’s Watch, is the first to find him. They then bring Jon’s dead body inside because they don’t want him to get stabbed again.
Edd – “Thorne did this.”
There’s a chance Jon tripped and fell on a dozen invisible knives.
Davos – “How many brothers do you think you can trust?”
Well there’s Sam, Maester Aemon, Grenn, Pyp…so zero.
Ed – “The men in this room.”
There’s no one else? Maybe a brother who slept in?
“Is the wolf not here?”
Step 1: GET THE WOLF!
Mel – “But I saw Jon fighting in Winterfell…”
Maybe some elaborate Weekend at Winterfell scenario? She still sees Stannis as king, so maybe she should stop looking at the flames, it’s causing her to lose her vision.

Ed departs to rally the wildlings as reinforcements, but why don’t they all leave right now? To stay and defend Jon’s dead body? If Ed is able to leave, couldn’t they all leave? I understand that Jon was their friend, but is there any reason to stay in this room? Just revive Jon already, we all know it’s coming.

thorne trump

Jon is the 2nd Lord Commander in a row to be killed by his own men.
Throne – “Jon Snow is dead.”
Ninth Born Son – “Who killed him?!”
Thorne – “I killed him.”
Backlash.
Thorne – “And there were others too!”
Backtracks.
“We committed treason, I had no love for him, but I never once disobeyed an order.”
In apparently a deadly loophole of Simon Says, Jon never told Alliser to stop stabbing him.
“Loyalty is the foundation on which the Watch is built.”
(Let’s all agree to not stab any more Lord Commanders. Jon didn’t say it before, but I’m saying it now!)
Fool the Lord Commander once, shame on him, fool him twice, well, it’s tradition. Here’s hoping we can get three in a row.
Alliser is going to make the Night’s Watch great again by building a wall by building a bigger wall and making the wildlings pay for it.

ramsay happy

Ramsay mourns over his crazy ex girlfriend Myranda.
Ramsay – “What could I do to her that those hounds couldn’t.”
Just how demented were these hounds?!
“Your pain will be repaid a 1000 times over.”
She died instantly after falling off a tower, pretty painless way to go compared to the norm in this universe. 1000 times nothing is nothing.
Bolton Man – “Should I have a grave dug or set up a pyre?”
(Anything to get away from this psycho.)
Ramsay – “She’s good meat, feed her to the hounds.”
I think we just found the answer to what those hounds could do that Ramsay couldn’t, unless he dines with the hounds tonight.
Roose criticizes Ramsay for driving Sansa and Theon away, a valid point, but did’t Roose remain in Winterfell while Ramsay was on the battlefield? He let them escape right under his nose!
Ramsay has a team of his best men trailing them along with his best hounds, so is he telling me that the second best hounds get the reward of Myranda’s meat then? Unfair!
Roose – “Without an heir, well, let’s hope Lady Walda is carrying a boy.”
I was thinking it wouldn’t matter if Lady Walda had a boy because Ramsay is older, but because Roose betrayed the crown marrying Ramsay to Sansa Stark, he probably also took away the legitimacy of Ramsay’s Bolton name. With that, Roose’s actual son would have a higher claim than Ramsay Snow.

babbling brook of eadth

Theon and Sansa have to transverse the cutest babbling brook of death to escape the hounds. Apparently the water is too cold for the Queen in the North; fire cannot harm the dragon, but cold water can harm the direwolf.
Theon – “I’ve seen what these hounds can do to a person, this way is better.”
First Ramsay and now Theon, just how bad are these hounds?! They haven’t even eaten anyone yet.
Logically speaking it would have been wiser to remove their clothes so they would have something dry to wear after, thanks Man vs Wild!
They hide in the cutest little uprooted tree root cave and cuddle for warmth, all their hypothermia disappears. Now’s as good a time as any to start drinking their own piss. The hounds still find them shorty after this sweet moment though. I have no idea how.
Theon – “Go north, Jon Snow is the commander of Castle Black, he’ll help you.”
sansa coldJon could help her strengthen her cold endurance, he slept outside the entire night and didn’t shiver once!

Theon sacrifices himself to take their pursuers off Sansa, but he fails instantly. They find Sansa faster than it takes for an unprompted Melisandre to expose herself. Somehow Brienne finds them all in the middle of nowhere, she didn’t even have the best hounds! She defeats three of Ramsay’s best knights, Pod defeats one, and missing fingers Theon saves Pod and does one in too. Ramsay’s best knights… Everywhere Brienne goes, Hounds seem to disappear.
Brienne offers her sword to Sansa again, and this time the young Stark accepts. Now start cuddling for warmth and start drinking your own piss!

After Myrcella died a couple meters off the shores of Dorne in last season’s finale, they kept sailing all the way back to King’s Landing. It’s rare to see a happy Cersei, but that lasts for only a few seconds. Jaime and Cersei grieve over another dead family member for what feels like the 10th time in the show.
cersei, always coldCersei – “It’s not right that she has to suffer alone.”
Her brother and grandpa are there to comfort her! And her boyfriend will join her soon!
“I knew this would happen, the witch told me years ago.”
Maybe have a 4th child then? Try and beat the prediction instead of accepting fate.
Jaime – “Fuck everyone that isn’t us.”
Figuratively yes, but literally the exact opposite.
“We’re going to take back everything they took from us and more.”
What was taken: 2 children, a father, a hand, some hair, and a whole bunch of dignity. They’re one mother away from having the Addams Family in the afterlife.

Septa Unella keeps mentioning the seven hells, but is there a seven(th) heaven? Margaery wants to see her brother, but the septa won’t allow it. I honestly think they only paid the Loras actor for about 5 days, which explains his lack of screen time. The High Sparrow comes in.
Margaery – “I have nothing to confess.”
Why is she in prison again? She lied under oath? How long can they hold her?
High Sparrow – “So you believe that you are pure? Holy without sin?”
Cast the first stone Margaery! Knock him off his roost.
“You have started down the path, but you have many miles to go.”
That walk back to the Red Keep wasn’t miles for Cersei. I can’t wait to see her walk naked like Cersei did! No CGI please.

a lot of useless guards out there

The man wheelchair bound returns from his walk.
Doran – “He truly lived and laid with the some of the most beautiful women alive.”
And Ellaria.
“Oberyn was born to be a adventurer. And I was born to rule.”
And sit. And occasionally walk.
A messenger decides to deliver Jaime’s warning letter at possibly the most inopportune time. Sand Snake #1 stabs Areo in the back with a small dagger, instant death. He didn’t even get to use his axespear! I know they use poison, but I’m calling BS that’s the reason he dies so quickly. The poison they used during their last “battle” didn’t affect Bronn until days later. Doran is stabbed through the heart, and slowly dies. The messenger also dies instantly. I guess the phrase don’t shoot the messenger hasn’t been invented yet.
Ellaria – “When was the last time you left this palace?”
I’m assuming that walk previously just went around the pond then?
The guards don’t help their prince and let Oberyn’s widowed paramour take control of Dorne because… everyone in Dorne wants to go to war? Everyone in Dorne is angry enough to go to war because Oberyn volunteered to fight in a death match and lost?! Ellaria wasn’t even related to Elia, not even by law, yet she’s somehow the most upset about her death?! She’s against the killing of children, but she sends her daughters to kill her nephew. I hiss with me sistersguess he hit that age where it’s okay to kill.
Ellaria – “Weak men will never rule Dorne again.”
The men must be able to at least jog.
This seems very spur of the moment, but they already sent the other two sand snakes to kill his son so I guess this is all according to plan?

Trystane is painting those googly eyes for Myrcella, that’s sweet of him. But they may have to use them for himself. How long has he been on that boat?
Sand Snake – “We’re here to kill you, do you want her to do it? Or me?”
How did you get on this boat? Did the hounds lead them here?!!
Trystane – “You’re family, I don’t want to hurt you.”
That’s how a Martell should act and feel. Or any normal person.
He gets stabbed in the head, making for some ironic sigil imagery, but I don’t think whip snake stood a chance. I don’t care about any of these character’s deaths at all. In the books, this whole Dorne subplot is wildly different. All of these characters are still alive and the Sand Snakes aren’t absolute garbage characters that no viewer could sympathize with.

Tyrion – “We’re never going to fix this city by sitting atop a 800 foot pyramid.”
Good thinking Tyrion, let’s make it a 1000 foot pyramid!
No one will recognize him by his size. Those merchant clothes practically make them invisible.
Varys – “You walk like a rich person.”
Tyrion – “You have no cock.”
What a beautiful friendship.

no cock and shorty
Tyrion tries to give money to a homeless woman and she mistakenly thinks he wants to eat her baby…is this a common occurrence for her?
Varys – “Mhysa means mother in Valyrian.”
I bet Fhysa means father in Valyrian. I can practically speak the language.
A red priest is preaching to the former slaves and Tyrion notes how “that’s not good” but it sounded like the red priest was pro Dany and trying to rally the former slaves to rebel against the Harpy. So I’m confused.
Varys – “The Sons of the Harpy must take orders from someone.”
So the next introduced character?
“My little birds are already in the city finding secrets.”
Hey, slaves were outlawed!
A fire has started and it turns out it was Dany’s fleet she never uses.
Tyrion – “Well it looks like we won’t be sailing to Westeros any time soon.”
He’s talking directly to us here…another season of this? Really?

burning boats part 2

Bromance adventures for Dragon Girl Part I
Daario – “You keep coming back? Why?”
Jorah – “You know why.”
Because she’s pretty. It has nothing to do with dragons.
Jorah checks his Greyscale, surprise, he still has it.
So when the horde circled around Dany, I assumed that meant they recognized her, but next scene we learned they have no idea who she is. They practically made an arrow inviting people to investigate it. They find her ring and know exactly who kidnapped her.

Dany gets whipped for tripping, but she didn’t slow her pace at all, it seemed unnecessary to me. I already like this whip character better than whip sand snake.
Throughout the entire scene it’s blatantly obvious Dany can understand what they’re saying, but apparently these Dothraki can read her face as well as they can read a book.
Dothraki Whip – “You ever been with a girl with white pussy hair?”
No, but he has been with a horse that had white hair. That counts.
Other Dothraki “Only when I was fucking your grandma.”
Admitting to fucking his grandma, just as bad.

guys I'm khal, just nod and listen

Khal Dothraki – “Even if I was blind, I’d hear my wives say, “cut off her head,” and I’d know this woman is beautiful.”
Do his wives have a soft spot for ugly girls?
“Seeing a beautiful woman naked for the first time, what is better than that?”
The 6th book.
Another Dothraki – “Killing another Khal?”
Do these guys know what rhetorical means?
Steve Dothraki – “Conquering a city, breaking in a wild horse…”
Oberyn would probably say seeing another man naked for the first time is just as good. The Sand Snakes would probably ignore the question and start killing everyone.
Khal Dothraki – “Seeing a beautiful woman naked for the first time is among the five best things in life!”
He tries to take off her dress, but she stops him. Time to start breaking in that new horse!
She lists off all of her titles, but it’s only Khal Drogo’s widow that actually matters.
“Forgive me, I did not know.”
Yeah, he thought Dany was just a random grandma.
Instead of escorting her back to Meereen, he is going to take her to Vaes Dothraki and the temple of the Dosh Khaleen. These subtitles are helping my spelling immensely. The two jealous wives make it sound like a terrible fate, but it sounds like she won’t be murdered? I consider that a win.

blind no one

Arya the blind girl is begging by the stone alley steps. Is she daredevil yet? Someone gives her some money, then no one kicks her ass with a stick.
Arya – “I can’t see.”
She definitely can’t she see why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch!
She continues to get her ass beat, worse than the Dorne plotline.
The Waif – “She you tomorrow.”
It’s funny because she can’t see!

All those men with crossbows aimed at the door probably doesn’t bode well for team Davos, but then again, it looks like they have no angle on that room…
Alliser – “We have no cause to fight, we are both anointed knights.”
Seriously though, they don’t have a reason to fight.
he's seen thingsDavos – “Hear that lads, nothing to fear.”
Half the guys in there are like, who’s this guy again?
Alliser tries persuading them to leave the room.
Davos – “I’d like some mutton.”
With a side of onions?
Davos – “Boys, I’ve been running from men like that all my life, in my learned opinion, if we open that door-”
Night’s Watchman – “We’ll die.”
Jon leads by example. A leader through and through.
Davos – “There’s always the red woman.”
Night’s Watchman – “What’s one redhead going to do against 40 armed men?”
Don’t tell that to Tormund. Heck, Ygritte could take out half these guys.
Davos – “You haven’t seen her do what I’ve seen her do.”
Shadow baby part 2? More sex magic?!

The scene starts promising, can’t wait to see some of her boobies for no reason! Then it takes a turn for the worse, sweet Lord of Light turn off the lights! This revelation means that Mel was using a glamor necklace to make herself look beautiful to obviously gain more influence with men. It makes all those previous sex scenes a little weirder though…could they like…feel the difference? Does it count as sleeping with a redhead or does it count as sleeping with someone with white pubes? It certainly made her sex magic more effective. It could also explain why her visions are always wrong, she just has really terrible old eyesight. Would I have sex with hot Melisandre knowing that what I saw was an illusion and I was actually having sex with this old bag? I don’t know, maybe if she lets me choose who the shadow baby kills.

not showing her old picture, she's still pretty to me

 

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