Bottom of the MLB: 2016

30: Milwaukee Brewers– They’re a rebuilding team in a tough division, outside of their “Watch the Game with Your Dog and Eat a Free Dog” promotion and their mascot Hank,  they don’t have much to look forward to in the immediate future. They have two established stars in Ryan Braun and Jonathan Lucroy, one with a tarnished reputation and one already packing his bags, and basically no one else. This team looks like the discarded extras of the Astros, when they were bottom of the league. It worked out for Detroit, but for every JD Martinez there’s Nameless Player A we don’t hear of ever again. The pitching staff is lead by Matt Garza, not a good thing to say about a rotation in 2016. Wily Peralta clocks in as one of the hardest throwing hurlers in baseball, but he’s still pretty terrible. It’s not all bad, Scooter Gennet is still one of the coolest names in baseball and their logo is still the best as well; but Miller is a bad beer and so is this team.

ryan braun

The lovable Hank juxtaposed with the hatable Braun. Cuteness > Brains> Braun

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Best of the MLB 2015

9. Toronto Blue Jays

I’m sorry. I want to rate them as the best team in the AL, but they’re the Blue Jays. As sure as Canadian maple syrup will be deliciously sticky this team will disappoint. Last year the Red Sox and Rays were neutered, the Yankee pitchers were dropping like flies, the Orioles lost “star” players Wieters and Machado, and this Jays team still blew it. I’ll give them one more chance though. Edwin Encarnacion is capable of hitting 16 HRs in a month and he’s reliably productive even through injuries. I could almost say the exact same thing about Bautista except his defense is better, he never earned a lovable error based nickname. Dickey isn’t the Cy Young guy he was in Queens, but him and Buehrle are reliable innings eaters. Shorty Marcus Stroman impressed last year, apparently Doc Halladay taught him a sinker and he was unhittable after that. Drew Hutcherson looks like a promising young flamethrower in the icy city of Toronto. This offense is nasty, they were in the top 5 in most offensive categories last year and now they added Josh Donaldson and Russell Martin, if everyone stays relatively healthy, they should be the best offense in the league. How did the Blue Jays not win the Donaldson trade again? “So you’re telling me you guys only want Brett Lawrie and a handful of our midlevel prospects?” Moneyball failed here. Jose Reyes is still toiling around as one of the best SS in the league, offensively at least, but 2B and the OF outside of Bautista are weaknesses. Good thing they signed oft injured Michael Saunders… Yeah this team is good, please don’t blow this Canada.

Screen shot 2015-02-16 at 12.19.54 PMInstead of doing the more traditional rain dance, Bautista does the HR dance to help teammates.
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Wildcards of the MLB

17. Kansas City Royals

And they’ll never be royal (royal). It only runs in their blood…and is their actual team name. Apparently the Royals inspired Lorde to write her hit song Royals.  I guess we’ve just witnessed Billy Butler’s peak performance over the past two years, it doesn’t look like he’s going to overcome his personal mountain of 2 stolen bases a season. We’re all rooting for ya Billy…I’m still in disbelief he managed any. It must be bittersweet for Royals fans to see Wil Myers play so well for the Rays when they only got a short-term rental on James Shields…and I guess Wade Davis too. Honestly if the Rays were interested in any of my teams prospects, that prospect would become a whole lot more interesting for me. I’d just have the Rays come look at my organization and see who they wanted, then that’s how I’ll figure out whose good on my team. I have a lot of respect for Royals fans, this team has been bad for longer than I can remember. And as much as ESPN and Cardinals fans want you to believe that they have the best fans, a notion that’s ridiculous to begin with, but if I’m going to believe this facade I would nominate Royal fans being the best. There are no bandwagon fans here…and I don’t think there ever will be. Like it’s really tough to be a Cardinals fan when they always make the right decision. Royals fans just saw a future star traded away and attendance went way up because the organization was desperately trying to get wins. And it worked. This is the true underdog and I hope they do their best.

Screen shot 2014-02-20 at 11.54.06 PM Lorde does not look 17, she looks older than Beyonce…#nothingtodowiththeroyals

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